Tuesday, December 23, 2014

What is true- o God

O God not again
I gave away my heart
I can't go back
I can't go back

I love smiling
Ive accepted death
I just love life more
Theirs this feeling down in my soul

Why could they ever question
What's true
These beautiful mistakes
My heart beats within
Isn't that my hearts response

I've felt love
I can't look back
I can't look back
I'm addicted to this feeling
Now I'm in control
It's pulsating deep in my soul

O God I gave her my heart
What is real and true
We're making beautiful mistakes
I can't look back
I can't look back

I'm strong as a lion of Judah
She makes me melt like ice cream
Her mind is sharper then a razor
I'm thinking of places I could take her
Eiffel tower in gay parie
shopping in London

She don't want diamonds
she don't need attention
She ain't for all the emotions
She smiles like the sun
So I call her my sunshine chick

O Lord catch me as I'm falling so fast
It's so deep in my soul
I gave away my heart o God
I'm praying that she loves me to

We're making beautiful mistakes
I felt love and can't look back
These beautiful mistakes
Turning disasters into a masterpiece
O God I gave away my heart
I won't look back
I won't look back

I just love life v2

It was always in my face
I was just to blind to see
Wait no I knew it from jump
That's what attracted me to you

You don't need me
You don't need we
You didn't need my hugs or drugs
You just love your life

Son you got me
Figured out my switch
Saw the changes
Coming out to late
Your bold with your words
I should of listened costly
Analyzed the words
Like I do my favorite radio songs

That honesty is so hot
You touched me in more ways then one
You wanted it
More nights then not
Now you've walked away
Kept your word true
Is it to late to look back

I'm not your world
But can I be in it
Enjoy life with you
My smiles still as nice
Not as common as before

You don't love me
So why say it late nights
Why kiss me with
Your morning breath
Letting those lies roll off your tongue

Tell me son
I know your not like every one else
I can't give my heart to just anyone
Let's live for all it is
I've found my new love of life

Nights to remember

Remember our first kiss
You took me to your private spot
Snuck out to meet a stranger
You flew across the country
To make me smile

You must remember
Waking up with me next to you
Looking out your job
For me in the ride

Remember our first night
We fit perfect
Like a puzzle piece
All night just loving

Your so thoughtful
You made me a promise
I stopped the jokes
Started to take things serious

You must remember
Looking into my eyes
Seeing right to my soul
Feeling my heart beat within

Maybe I was rushing to fast
Shouldn't of jumped the line
All we had was time
I should of been more patient
Should of been stronger

We can't live with regrets
We can live with memories
We can start a new
We can remember the good night's
Turned into even better mornings

You o you

Your honesty is refreshing
It reminds me
Why I loved you
It keeps the heat to my fire

Your honesty give me hope
When you say there is none
Two broken lovers
Being fixed by the light

Your honesty brings me back to life
Just when I started over the edge
I've never been more focused before
I lost sight once
On what was right

I've got a new plan
A new smile and a new ride
Love for myself and love for you

Your honesty touches me
Deep down on the inside
It use to hurt
But now it's found respect
It's found my Admiration

Your honesty drives me crazy
It drives me wild with passion
It would deter another
But it strengthens me

Your honesty should make me turn my back
Revert back to the old me
Run to the hills
Or cuddle up with another

Yet it compels me to pray more
Not only for you but for myself
Not in vain but
For the sake of staying

Your honesty drives my creativity
It gives me the inspiration
To write and create
To love more and live right

Your honesty is honest
Your words are so true
Yet is our hearts any less
Do they deceive us with beats
Or did it make us run
With our feet

Your honesty is sincere
My words are dear
My promise is true
I will see you
I've come to far too back down

Your honesty is true
Your honesty is love filled
Your honesty is pain
your honesty wasn't spoken in vain
Your honesty brings me
Closer to fame

Drinking for numbness

Ain't no drink or drug
That can numb my soul now
I just want to be free
My vices stick to me
Like gum under your shoe
I was once blue
Now I'm black
Comfy in my skin
I found a new love
That's called self
Filling my mind with drugs
Believing I could only
Sleep with liquor
Self realizations come from growing
Trapped in my mind
Trying to find
a piece of mine
Deep down in my mind
Truths turned to false
Self loathing turned to hatred
Broken mirrors still reflecting
The me I was running from
Now don't haunt me
Fighting my demons
Like Constantine
Growing bolder but wiser
As the days pass
The bottle hold no control
The weed doesn't soothe
My insecurities
Can't block my conscience
Won't take me places
I've never been
My vices just blow
Money in the wind
A vision of a better me
Perseveres my will to
Push harder and farther
Attain a new level
Of me with me

Monday, December 22, 2014

Lost lines

Hot lines circle my mind
Never have the time
To write them down
They fade my mind Over time
Words of love and patience
Reflections of my soul
I choose to pour into words
Gone before they're grown
The seedlings of my brain
Under nourished and starving
Screaming for the sunlight
To stretch out and grow like oaks
Lost in the dirt of life
No pen and pad to water 'em
Just gambles of getting it back
Like a paramedic who won't quit
Poems of my soul
Lost in the deep pockets of my mind
Hot lines for the time
That will never see the light

Friday, December 19, 2014

The mermaid V.2 the short story

The year was 1847 August 3.the night before the Merriam was about to set sail to china. Jameson walked into the town's pub and took a seat in the corner.he was accustomed to sitting by himself.Jameson preferred to be alone on his journeys. His family was miles away back in England.his ship mates were no more then just that ship mates.it was a life he has become use to over the years.

Jameson was in Spain waiting for his ship to set sail.he wasnt a normal sailor by any means.Jameson hopped from ship to ship usually getting off before the ship made it to its final destination. He picked up what ever job they offered on the ship he chose.there wasn't a position on a ship that he couldn't work.so many captains gladly accepted his hand for their ships.

This was his tenth year on his journey of ship hopping. He sat and watched all the other patrons.they spoke Spanish and other languages he was familiar with. A waitress came over and asked him in Spanish what he wanted.Jameson answered her in her native tongue.the same thing he order at every pub. Three pints and half a chicken with rice. The waitress nodded and left to place his order.

She came back shortly with one of his pints. Jameson stated to drink as he continued to people watch.he started to pay attention to a group of sailors across the bar.they were talking almost over every one.he took they were from America from their accents. The sailors had obviously had enough to drink.they were almost belligerent and teasing one of their mates.
"Youve been at sea to long Johnny 'ol boy, your becoming delirious you salty dog" one sailor said as he drank from his mug
"I've been sailing these seas for over twenty years I've seen all there is to sea of this world.you must take me as a fool to believe in old sailor tales" said another older sailor who seem to be the senior of the group.
"You say what you want enjoy your laugh but I know what I saw and I know what happened.you can't convince me of anything else"the sailor on trial proclaimed "I've seen a mermaid and she saved my life"

With those words Jameson almost choked on his drink. He listened more closely to the group.The victim of ridicule was trying to convince them that he had his life saved by a mermaid. His ship mates continued to joke on him and dismiss the idea of such a thing.
" you must of hit your head when you went over board or swallowed to much water"one sailor said laughing
"You may laugh at him but that man tells you salty sea dogs no tale.I've seen one for myself and lived with her for a year" Jameson said standing up.

The whole pub got quiet as Jameson spoke.all the attention was on him now. The group with the sailor in question bust out laughing.
"You old sea dog you must be as crazy as him.you've been at sea for to long"one sailor said laughing

The pub joined in with the laughter.most of them continued with what they were doing. Others whispered to their friends while watching him.
"Come tell me your tale chap...waitress bring me two more pints"Jameson said sitting back down in his chair.

He was not concerned with the steers or laughter.It was something he had become use to.Jameson had heard his own share of ridicule and accusations of insanity over the years of his journey.along the way though he met others who believed him or had seen what he saw.
Every new encounter with a believer sent him on another chase to find that mermaid he met so many years ago.

The woman that saved his life when all was forsaken.was out there in the sea so wemewhere.he knew it and didn't care what anyone else had to say. Jameson stroked v his thick beard as the young sailor made his way over.over the years white hairs had begun to fill his black beard. He pulled a pipe out his jacket and began filling it with tobacco.

When the young sailor finally came over and sat down.Jameson had lit the pipe and was puffing thick clouds of smoke into the air. They shook hands and Jameson took note of his strong grip.he held his hand for a second longer looking the sailor in the eyes. For a moment they just looked at each other.Jameson saw the look of seriousness in his eyes.he recognized the look after having this talk so many times.this young man had seen it.he just knew it. The look of relief in his eyes screamed finally someone believes me to Jameson.

"I'm John Phipps from Albany"
"Charles Jameson from London"
"Thee Charles Jameson... the mermaid Hunter?"
"I'm no mermaid Hunter just a man trying to find the truth.....So tell me your tale mate"
The waitress came over and placed the two pints on the table.She looked at Jameson with a look of pity he had seen many times from bar maidens.many people couldn't accept things outside the norm.most just considered him an old fool who had some old drunk tales.nothing more then a next drunkard in the pub looking for attention.once the waitress walked away the sailor began his tale

Two years ago I rode the iron maiden on a voyage to the strait of Gibraltar. I was just a deck hand nothing more then a fresh fish at sea.still green behind the ears wanting to sea the world. Just another drop off and pick up for a merchant ship. Nothing to fancy. Half way through the voyage we ran into a bad storm.

The ship took a good beating.the winds broke down the mass and killed a few of my ship mates.I was thrown over board by the white waves.as I fought the tide I kept getting pulled under by the current. as I finally lost track of the ship.my strength began to leave me. I fought the current as best as I could but I finally found myself floating deeper down then I could help.

As I swallowed water and accepted my fate in Davey Jones locker.I saw something swim past in the pitch darkness. I thought it was a shark and I was really about to meet my end. Then I felt two hands grab me and pull me. Last thing I remember before I passed out was seeing long shiny yellow hair.

Then I awoke on a beach with her starring down at me. She was the prettiest women I've ever seen. Green eyes with long flowing golden hair. Her body was created by God himself. She was without a blemish or fault.the perfect woman and every man's dream. She Fed me dance and sang to me many nights.She had the voice off an Angel.her name was parinth and she treated me like a king.

When parinth took to the sea her legs turned to fins. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. We swam together many times.She was so graceful in the water.I've been swimming for years but parinth made me feel like a klutz compared to her.

after a month or two I spotted a ship that was passing a few leagues out. She begged me to stay with her but I flashed the ship down.while we waited I thought I had convinced her to come with me back to the new world. She agreed and kissed me.once the ship docked parinth ran into the woods. I chased her but by the time I cleared through it she was jumping into the water.

I screamed and pleaded with her not to leave but she looked back and then submerged. The deck hands that came to land.claimed they didn't see her with me.They treated me as if I was a madman or cast away.who had been stuck on the island to long. By the time I made it back to Albany. I had visited that island three times and never found her again.ship to ship they hear my tales but look at it as a delirious dream.

I read about you in a paper in port in Cuba a year ago.They said you've traveled the seven seas hunting mermaids. It said you were missing for a year.thought to be dead in Davey Jones locker. It was like 8 years you had already put into your search.the papers said you were insane.

your the reason I'm here now in this journey. After reading about you I set back out in search of my parinth. She has to be out here somewhere. One day returning to the island I know she will be there. This time I still stay with her I won't come back to this wretched world of yellow belly's.

"Were you with safrin the whole time....Have you seen my parinth in your travels?"
"I haven't even found my safarin and it's been a decade to this date"

Jameson took a huge sip of his beer.They both sat in silence for a moment. Jameson took a few more pulls of his pipe.the food the waitress had brought was in front of him still untouched. He had listened so intensely that the food had gone cold and his beer warm. Jameson signaled the waitress to bring him another. The cold food was no issue to him, that wouldn't be his first cold meal and probably not his last.

"Have you found any others since safarin....since she left?"
"Nope I've visited my island three times a year and some years more. I've even lived on that island for another year waiting and hoping....."

Jameson took a big swig of his beer. John did the same.They sat in silence for a minute just finishing their beers. John signaled the waitress for another round.

"You should put your attention into something better.your still young and have so much more to give the world...don't waste your time chasing phantoms....many nights I still hear her songs.when I'm alone on the deck by my self. I wake up in cold sweats at night thinking about her.....don't let this hunt take control of you"
"She is out there and one day I'll find her again..when I do I already know what I need to do this time...thanks you for the drinks...it was nice meeting you captain Jameson...I will find parinth and the world may or may not ever know but I'll know and that's all that matters."

John got up and dropped a few gold pieces on the table. he shook Jameson hand and they nodded at each other. It always ended like this Jameson thought. another man will be searching the seas for a dream. A woman that he lost that will never be found.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

My thanks to the fans

I want to thank everyone who has supported this blog.my fans in France you guys are amazing.I really appreciate the support.my close friends who have checked the page everyday even when I don't post anything.I don't want you to think your views go unnoticed. To my other fans around the world I want to thank you guys as well.all the love and support is really heart warming.

I've got all your emails and comments.i try to respond to them all as best as I could. I want to let you guys know I'll keep it up.I'll try my best to be more consistent with my post. These short stories have really become a new passion.I've found a new spark in my writing life.I've become so engrossed in them it's been hard to end them.they will keep coming though as I push to promote the new book.

I would also like to give a special thanks to everyone who has bought a copy of the book so far.weather it's been an ebook or the actually hard copy.I can't explain in words what it means to me to see people enjoy my work. I really appreciate the support and love that you have shown me.

Today marked the two month anniversary of me publishing it.I just want all of you to know how amazing I feel to of accomplished a dream of mines.I want all of you to know and keep in mind.if I can chase a dream and catch it you can do the same.we all can rise like eagles to our goals in life.

As far as the path this blog will continue on.I'll continue to find new angles to entertain you guys with.all advice and request will always be considered.just guys remember I'm only one person and real life sometimes collides with your passion. I will try to rise above the obstacles though.

Last but not least I want to shout out my biggest fan who has been watching the blog everyday since day one.you know who you are I won't embarrass you in front of the internet.just know your loyalty and support of the blog and me doesn't go unnoticed.It will come back ten fold someday in a villa in corfu.

A million thanks to all you guys again for your support and diligence with views.I really can't tell you what it means to me.

acts of glutony the short story

andrew sat at his chair clicking buttons on his keyboard like a madman. all his attention was on the computer screen in front of him. he was playing the world of warcraft.it had been four hours now since he stood up. his room was dark with the only light coming from the screen and keyboard. finally  he defeated the last raid boss. with a clap andrew pushed his chair back from his desktop and stretched.

a 2 liter bottle of mountain dew sat next to his keyboard. andrew pulled his chair back to the computer. he grabbed up the bottle and took two big gulps. he smacked his lips once the dew quenched his thirst. a pack of chips ahoy was on the side of his mouse pad. he grabbed a cookie out of it and ate it. after a few more cookies he took another gulp of the mountain dew.

andrew switched up his character and began leveling it up. it was already ten at night. in a few hours he would have to log off and get ready for bed. the school bus would be at his stop at 7:30 sharp. he knew if he missed it again his mother would never let him hear the end of it.

andrew dreaded going to school. it wasnt his grades or that he found learning hard. in all classes andrew was a straight a student. even in gym he tried his hardest to keep up with his peers. which was one of his biggest problems. the other students teased him about his weight. weather the jocks teased him on the track or people gawked at him in the lunchroom. andrew couldnt get away from their persecution.

alone in his room with a game was the only place he felt at home. no one could judge him in WOW. no one watched how many cookies he ate or what he drank. they only cared about his level or skill and gear rating. his guild members welcomed him and accepted the bright personality and knowldge of the game he had. some even depended on him to lead them in dungeons and raids.

andrew looked over at his clock.
"fuck" he said out loud

it was already two in the morning. where did the time go he asked himself. andrew finished up what he was doing and logged out. he shut down his computer and went to the bathroom. once he finished andrew got ready for bed. before he knew it he was sound asleep. the sound of his alarm abruptly woke him up.

andrew jumped up and slammed his hand on the buzzer. he went to the bathroom took a shit and showered. by the time he got changed. andrew smelt eggs toast and bacon. with his mouth watering from thinking about the meal he made his way downstairs.
"morning hun"
"morning mom"

andrew sat down and looked at the clock on the wall.it read 7:00 his dad came down and kissed his mother. mrs. clarke was 5'5 slim with brown hair. her green eyes shimmered as she kissed mr.clarke back with a smile. andrew dad was about an inch taller then her. watching his dad andrew could see where he got his wieght from.

as he ate his toast he wondered to himself how his dad ever got his mother. it wasnt that his dad was ugly but his mom was far from it. she was in her mid forty's and could pass for a women in her early thirty's. mrs. clarke giggled from something his dad whispered in her ear. that made andrew remeber his dad had the charisma he lacked. everyone loved his dad. he always left peole smiling or laughing.

"hun you bettter hurry up or you'll miss the bus" mrs clarke said

andrew looked down and realized he was halfway through his breakfast. he looked at the clock again. it was only 7:10 now. it didnt take andrew more then a couple of moments to finish scarfing down what was on his plate, washing it down with orange juice andrew got up from the table. he thanked his mom and headed to the door.

by 7:20 andrew was walking down the block to the bus stop. wendy was already standing there. she was skinny with freeckles and red hair. wendy was his crush but he could never muster up the will to tell her. everytime he tried something stupid always came out.
"morning andrew"
"morning wendy"

they stood in silence with andrew just looking at the floor. he kicked some rocks in front of him. racking his brain on what to say to her. she broke the silence
"did you do the extra credit for mrs.jones class?"
"o shit no i totally forgot about it"
"well you could copy mines if you want"
"thanks that would be great"

andrew looked up at her smiling face. then quickly looked away and back at the floor. he felt himself getting red in the face and about to say something stupid. the sound of the school bus coming up the block made him look up. andrew breathed a breath of relief.

"well you could copy it at lunch if you want.... ill find us a table just find me in the lunch room."
"you want me to sit next to you at lunch." andrew said more naive the he wanted to come off.
"ugh... yeah if you want" wendy said now with a weird smile
"yeah sure i would like that"

the bus driver pulled up and opened the doors. they got on and went to their normal seats. wendy sat next to nancy and he went to the back of the bus. as they drove to the next stop he kept catching glances of nancy looking back at him. the two of them were whispering and giggling. once again he felt his face getting red.

the bus stopped and picked up a few more kids. it made it's way to the final stop before school. the one stop andrew hated. kirk copeland was at that stop. it seemed to andrew like kirks life mission was to torment him. every chance kirk got he bullied or teased him.

one day though andrew would punch him irght in the face. hopefully breaking his big nose and shutting him up for good. that fantasy came to a complete halt once the bus stopped. kirk and his pack of hyena's got on. as the bus started to move from the stop they made their normal B-line straight to him.

everyday andrew wondered why he sat int he back. kirk always came to the back. somedays andrew convinced himself that he wanted to be bullied. that he enjoyed being picked on. then he snapped out his pity party. the real reason he sat at the back was because, he was to big to sit next to anyone else comfortably.
"look who it is boy's andy the pansy" kirk said
"hahhahahaha andy the pansy, andy the pansy!" kirk's hyena's said in unison

the hyena pack was brandon cobble and zeph ranger. kirks lackey's and bully's in training. they followed him around and did everything he said and laughed at every joke. everyone on the bus watched on at the normal moring bullying. on one said anyhting they all just snickered and watched. some days andrew even noticed the bus driver watching from his rear view mirror at them. everyone watched everyday except wendy she never turned around. she never laughed or joined in with everyone encouraging kirk.

the bus finally came to a stop in front of their school. everyone shuffled off the bus and into the school. the hallways were packed as andrew headed to his locker. he finally found it and got out his textbooks for his first class. as he slammed his locker door, a feeling of being watched came over him. looking aorund andrews eyes caught wendy's. she was standing at her locker with nancy looking at him. she quickly looked away and closed her locker walking away with nancy.

andrew let out a huge sigh and thought to himself its gonna be a long day. the bell rang for first period. he quickly made his way to his classroom. as he turned the corner. kirk was walking his way witht he hyena's right behind him. andrew tried to pretend he was invisible and got as close to the lockers out of kirks path as best as he could. before he kept it kirks shoulder was slamming into his. all andrews books and notebooks went flying everywhere.

"watch where your going pansy" kirk said
"he!... dont you have class to get it!" wendy yelled
"what's it to you?" kirk asked turning to her
"you want detention today?" wendy asked tuggin on her hall monitor sash
"i'm heading their anyway tell the klutz to watch out next time"
"yeah tell him watch out"

kirk and the hyena's made a left and disappeared. wendy bent down to help andrew pick up his scattered papers. of all the days anyone could of been hall monitor. why did wendy have to be it today. andrew thought tto himself.
"you didnt have to do that... i  had it under control."
"i'm the hall monitor that's my job"

a picture of a lone wolf howling at the moon caught her attention. wendy picked it up and admired it for a second.
"i didnt know you knew how to draw!"
"i....i... it's nothing just a doodle i was working on"

andrew pulled the drawing out her hand. he felt his face getting red again. for a moment in time they looked into each other eye's. wendy was about to say something but andrew cut her off.
"thanks i have to get to class"

andrew quickly rushed down the hallways. once he turned the corner he took a deep breath and face palmed himself. continuing to shake his head he hurried to class. through out the day andrew couldnt concentrate. all he could focus on was wendy. she called him andy. no one had ever gave him a nickname before. he watched the clock move and it seemed as if it froze.

every class seemed to last forever. all he could think about was lunch time. sitting with wendy, what he would say to her. what funny jokes he knew to make her laugh. by fourth period he already had a repertoire made up. along with half a black and white drawing of her almost done.

finally sixth period came and andrew excitedly got out his seat and headed to the lunchroom. before he knew it he had to slow down and catch his breath, andrew almost broke into a sprint there. he apused at the water fountain. while he drank his dad's advice flashed through his head. "be cool, just stay calm and be cool" sweat had already started dropping down his forehead from the sprint.

andrew drank some more water and pulled his composure together. he wiped his brow and took a breath. moments later he was standing in line trying to calmly scan the lunchroom. finally he spotted her sitting by herself. wendy looked his way and waved. andrew waved back as coolly as he could.

within no time andrew got his food and was off the lunchline. his mind was so focused on wendy. he didnt notice he was passing kirks table. before he knew it he was laying on top of his lunch. the whole lunch room broke out laughin. kirk had put his leg out right in front of him.

andrew got up and looked around at all the laughing faces. the room started to spin as he looked down at his wet and stained clothes. then he looked up to see wendy starring with her mouth open. before he could think andrew was running as fast as he ever did. out the lunch room and right into the bathroom.

he found an empty stale at the end and went inside, slamming the stall door behind him. in a rage andrew punched and kicked the door. then clutched his hand feeling like he broke a knuckle or two. tears streamed down his face. they werent from joy they were from anger. the door should of been kirks face. he should of stood up for himself. why did he run like a coward.

andrew pulled himself togeher and walked out the stall. he washed his shirt as best as he could. the spaghetti sauce stain just smeared. he was to embarassed to go back to class and look like a fat slob. as if on auto-pilot andrew just headed to his normal hide out. which was under the bleachers on the field. at least two or three times a month. andrew found himself sitting their alone with his notepad in hand. once again he was escaping reality. trying to figure out an excuse to give his mom about today.

"are you ok andy?" wendy asked

andrew almost sharded himself in shock. he was so focused on his drawing and thoughts. he didnt realize wendy had walked over all the way under the bleachers.
"is that me?"she asked looking at the picture
"uhmm...its nothing"

he closed the notepad quickly and scooted over and inch from her.

"i dint mean to be nosey....maybe i should of not came here....i saved you my muffin and apple i figured you were hungry."

as she said that andrews stomach growled. he held his stomach and accepted the food. wendy started to get up and leave.
"wait please im sorry im being a jerk... thank and hear check it out"

andrew handed her his notepad. wendy took it and looked through all his drawings. they sat for a few moments talking about them. he even managed to make her laugh. for the time andrew forgot all about what happened. all that mattered was they were having fun.
"isnt this cute andy the pansy got himself a girlfriend"
"yeah cute real cute kirk"

they were so enthralled in their conversation they didnt even notice kirk and the hyena's making their way to them.
"leave us alone get out of here" andrew said loudly
"what was that.. did you hear that guys the pansy is trying to have back bone" "why dont you come out from under their and say it to my face."

before andrew knew what came over him he was standing face to face with kirk. andrew had to look up at kirk but he was bigger then him. before kirk could say another word andrew punched him right in the nose with all his might. blood began to trickle down kirks nose. once he saw it a look of rage came over him. he punched andrew in the stomach and slumped him over. a left hook hit him right in the face knocking him over. next thing andrew knew was he was being stomped out by kirk and the hyena's. wendy was screaming for them to leave him alone.

the coach mr ryback came running over blowing his whistle and broke it up. he sent wendy to class and made the boys stay on the field and do push ups. he didnt need to ask who started it or what happened. he had saw it from across the field. he was proud that andrew finally stood up for himself but that didnt mean he could get off the hook for breaking the rules. mr.ryback knew kirk had it coming for a long time and he was kinda happy to see him get his just desserts deep down inside.

when the final bell rang for the end of the day he let andrew go home and kept kirk and the hyena's. as andrew walked away bruised and soar kirk and the hyena's started their laps. wendy was standing at the bus stop when he got their. before he could say anthing she gave him a kiss on his cheek.
"what was that for?" Andrew asked
"for standing up for me and yourself that was so brave... are you ok"
"yeah ill be fine nothing i cant deal with"
the bus door opened and they got on the bus everyone watched Andrew's face and whispered as he walked down the isles. he made his way to his normal seat but his time wendy slide in right next to him. Andrew gave her a smile as the bus started up and they rode away from the school.


Friday, December 5, 2014

Strange dreams


Every night I wake up in a cold sweat
I turn over to see you
I reach to touch you
But there's nothing there
Then I realize it's not real
You never needed me
You learned to fly already
I don't need anybody
But I would like somebody
We've spent too much time
Acting like it's that first summer
Lonely night guide us over the waterfall
We're falling victims to the thirst
For what it's worth theirs an angel
Underneath your surface
I've said once
I'll say it twice
Maybe even thrice
Your perfect to me
A tragedy can still be
A masterpiece
You were a fantasy
Now your televised
They post few months I've rationalized
25 starting not to feel so old to me
Most days I'm feeling 52
Where ever your going
My friend can I come

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

For the time being

Frank and Sarah sat on the train in silence once again.every few days it was always something they argued or disagreed about.one thing they could agree which started as an inside joke between them.over the years had become more true and less funny they weren't friends. They were good co workers. Using the term good lightly. Now they just listened to music from their headphones and watched the other riders.

Thirteen more stops Frank thought to himself looking at the digital display. The six train was more packed then usual today he noticed. With a sigh he leaned back and tried to get comfy. The man sitting next to him had a huge winter coat on that didn't make it easy.Sarah put her bag right next to him and odds and ends poked him out of it.

Most days he ignored her bag and it's contents.today  however it annoyed him more then he liked. With a big breath Frank stretched and made a little of breathing room for himself between the two. The man sitting next to him turned his dark face and gave him a look.Frank didn't care he was ready to explode.all he needed was a reason.it didn't have to be a good one either. The man didn't say anything, he just went back to looking ahead at the lady standing in front of him. Sarah didn't even bother to look she just continued tapping her fingers to the beat on her leg.

Frank hated how they were always just friends for the time being. Every few days after they left work it was always something.either he didn't hold a door for her or his answers to her questions weren't sufficient. Her being one of his bosses didn't help much either. It felt like they were back in elementary school.He chuckled wondering what she would do if he put a bugger on her. Probably freak out and get loud , causing a small scene on the packed train. It was an endless cycle that they restarted every morning they clocked in.

Frank considered that Sarah liked him. Yet he didn't feel the same for her.which sometimes led to them being in the situation they were in now. Her nit picking was a major reason why he didn't return her affections. People who held others to standards they couldn't reach always upset Frank. To him it was simple like accept people for who they were and take their short comings as they came.

Frank thought to himself not all writers were deep and descriptive. Judges didn't always give justice where it was deserved. Teachers didn't give more attention to the kid in the back of the class who needed it. That was just the world we lived in. Change and revolutions were easy to speak of.They were harder to put into practice.

Sarah looked at Frank and just wanted to roll her eyes at him.Yet she controlled herself and just let out a breath. He had so much potential that he just wasted she thought. Sarah got frustrated most days trying to push him toward things that would better him. More then enough promotion chances came his way. So many girls at their job wanted him.Yet Frank always went after the new hires that would never last.

she had tried to hook him up with other co-workers that could of propelled him further up in the company.Frank always denied it or showed no interest. There was always some excuse or reason he wasn't interested. At 32 she found it funny he could call other women in their age group old. He could of been a supervisor or area manager by now, if he thought with the head on his shoulders more then the one between his legs.

He had two degrees and worked on his master's in business.Sarah couldn't understand why he would let all that knowledge go to waste. Sitting in a cubicle pushing papers. If it wasn't for her saving his ass a couple times they would of been fired him. They started in the company together.she got three promotions and her own office. While Frank chose to lounge by the cooler flirting and making small talk.

It surprised her everyday that they were still friends.then she remembered they were only friends for the time being. A position for site manager in the Philly office opened.if she got she wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. He would be left to his own vices and free to do as he wanted. For such a grown man Sarah wished Frank would grow up.

"42nd st" the train conductor said through the speaker.

Only three more stops and their silent ride world be over. Today was just another ending to a day.tomorrow would be a new one that they could start fresh with.They looked at each other and for a moment in time.it seemed like they were reading each other's mind. Frank opened his mouth and said something. It looked like I'm sorry.Sarah took off her headphones.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing never mind!"
Sarah lip curled up and with a huff she put her headphones back on. Moments like that were the exact reason she was happy they were only friends for the time being.
"14th st" the train conductor said

They both got up and said bye then parted ways.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Heat of the moment the short story

James walked over to his closet and opened it. All his clothes were on one side of it.neatly organized color coordinated just how he left it. With a sigh he closed it. Dreading the fact that he even continued to punish himself. It had been five years since johanna had passed and he still missed her. It seemed like just yesterday her half of the closet was over flowing to his side.  

Now nothing stood there it was empty just like his heart. It took everything he had to pack up all her stuff and give it to charity. A year ago when they came James didn't even want to open the door for them. Even though he had called them five times prior.his conscience finally kicked in.

James sat in his lazy boy with a cup of cognac  in his hand. Watching all the boxes that cluttered his living room for almost a year slowly disappear. Clothes Johanna loved Just going with strangers. Channel sweaters, prada and Jimmy choo shoes. Armani exchange and other designers filled the boxes.

James took a swig and convinced himself it was for the best. That was what she would want him to do.not just allow them to collect dust or feed the moths. Johanna was always helping those less fortunate then her.he loved her for that and so the salvation army seemed the only reasonable thing to do with her clothes.He could no longer dwell on that lose. It was time to part with her things just as he did the day he turned off her life support.

It seemed like only last week he finally gave the doctors the order to let her rest in peace.  James could still hear the support machine flat lining and see her face as she exhaled her final breath.

Twice now James had killed her.his heart broke a piece at a time.for every fleeing breath she had took before her death. Five years ago they were in love enjoying their new bmw coup. The day had been filled with shopping and drinks. Johanna asked him to let her drive but he refused.if he could take that moment in time back he would of. Never in a million years would he of put her in any danger.

James felt fine in his mind. As they kissed on the car she asked him again. Once again he refused. With a snug look he had seen from her before Johanna got in the car. James started the engine and marveled once more at the purr of the engine. It was only a half an hour ride home one they took every other Friday night.Once they left forchina which was Johanna's favorite restaurant.

James picked up speed as they got on the west side highway all alone.before he knew it he was doing 80.the coupe handled like a dream in his hands.he couldn't of been more satisfied with his purchase. Johanna's hand started to creep up his leg.she loved the car just as much as him he knew.

James phone rang he ignored it. It rang again and he looked over to Johanna. They both knew who it was. There was always something going on at his job. It wasn't always they got to enjoy a day like this uninterrupted. Johanna smiled which warmed his heart.she was always so understanding when it came to him having to take a call and ran off to work. James went to click the Bluetooth button. Being a new car his eyes fumbled around looking for it. As he looked down to the dashboard.

Johanna screamed
"James watch out!"

A homeless man was crossing the street with his cart in front of them.James swerved in the nic of time to avoid him.johanna screamed as The passenger side tire popped and the car flipped three times. Knocking a fire hydrant over and stopping at the corner of a building.

Water rushed in the roof of the upside down car from the hydrant. James took out his swish army knife and popped his air bag then popped hers.
"Are you ok"
Johanna laid motionless next to him. Blood slowly crept down her forehead. he shouted her name as he tried to move.James realized his left arm was dislocated he could hardly move it.With all his strength he got out his side of the car. He ran over to her side and tried to pull the door open.it was jammed and wasn't budging.
"Help someone help us" James yelled to the empty street.

The homeless man he almost hit ran over. Together they pulled the door open. James took off Johanna's seat belt as fast as he could. Then pulled her out of the flooding car. She still wasn't moving her eyes lids flickered as if in R.E.M sleep. With the help of the homeless man. James moved her away from the crash as gently as he could.

The doctor in him quickly took over. He checked her pulse and realised it was rapid and irregular. The sounds of sirens snapped him back to reality. Within moments the ems workers were putting her on a stretcher and into the ambulance. James refused service for his arm and sat holding her hand. He was never much of a religious man but found himself praying. Tears dropped down his face as the ambulance zoomed to the hospital.

Once they arrived James stood helpless as his peers evaluated her situation. He didn't need them to tell him what was going on. He already knew James had seen this scene play out more then enough times. Just normally he was giving the news. Now he sat in the waiting room with a broken arm waiting.in another situation he might of found it ironic but now all he wanted was to hear was , Mr freeman it was just a concussion she is awake and fine. Do you want to see her. Those words never came and the news wasn't even close to good.

James took a huge gulp of his drink and snapped out of it as the workers,Took the last box and told him they were leaving. Shaking his head he awoke back in the present sitting on the edge of his bed. His flashbacks had started to merge. He felt as if he was in a dream. Walking around his empty house never really sure what day it was. everyday he hoped he would wake up and see her smiling face.

His .45 magnum was in his hand. James gripped it tighter. Now with all johanna's  things gone he actually felt alone. They never had time to have kids.which he now regretted always pushing the topic off when she brought it up. James thought they would of had more time more stability to enjoy with their kids.

James chuckled a little thinking about it now. With the gun in his hand though the smile quickly left his face. The heat of the moment had caught up to him. Sweat dropped down his forehead and onto his shaking hand. Slowly he put the gun to his temple and took a breath.

"James“ he heard someone yell. James turned around to see none there. Once again his mind was playing tricks on him. He looked up and saw his reflection in the mirror.
"Is this the man she fell in love with?" James's asked himself
A feeling of disgust started to creep up into him. He threw the gun on the bed next to him and stood up.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The mermaid

I tell stories of you
I have dreams of you
No-one believes you exist
A fantasy girl I've made up
Like characters in my book
I reminisce on the nights
When you got wetter then water for me
I have your songs in my phone
Your voice warms my heart
On the coldest new York nights
Have you found your Persian yet?
Am I the only one holding on
With hopes of our purity in track
I needed to be isolated to grow
You needed to let me go
To triple my worth

Am I crazy or are you for me?
I've never lied
I'm still sitting under the sycamore tree
While girls past and go
I've got no interest in their show
I'm standing stronger then a statue
My finances are looking like my confidence
My soul feels alive burning
With a fire
My heart is storming with love

If my commitment to return
Worst then a Sith Lord
Well there be a chance for me
In your new republic
Will you feel confident getting in my car
Letting me show you a new world
Driving into the darkness
You call an abyss
I've never been so committed
To such a challenge
Love isn't a fairy tale
It's a journey into a lost world
Will you take it with me

Are the tales I've told
Only pipe dreams
Of a fantasy woman
Or are they true tales
A slide down the rabbit hole
From science fiction
Addicted to hunting a myth
I'll proclaim to everyone exist

Hold on

If life was a track race
I'd be Jackie Joyner
I've always ran when
The pressure was on
Cracking like an egg under the weight
My grandmother always told me
Pressure busts pipes
My house must be flooded
There is a light at the end of the tunnel
Build up the stamina to finish the race
Stand face to face with the demons
Your vices might kick your ass
Even Tyson went down in a fight

Hold on hold firm
I'll be the hand that reaches into the abyss
I'm far from perfect
Yet working on it
Step by step and we'll soon be running
No pun intended
I use to think I didn't have it like that
Like I was average like that
Now I see the future is brighter
Then the Rockefeller Christmas tree
Get in the car and let my drive
Jesus got the wheel
Our destinations already mapped out

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Dependability

From the shadows I arise
You spoke your heart
I spoke my mind
I'm on my grind
Your fighting demons
Will you be
Where you said you would
When the year ends
Or will I be standing
At the alter looking dumb
Can I trust you to stand firm
Will you believe I've never been touched
Will you treat me like a person
Show me your face
Speak out your mind
Or will I get a letter in Gmail
Telling me I failed
Too Pick another sail
You bailed ship and swam to shore
As serious as I
Took it and waited
It wasn't enough
You desired more
To catch a date
To give me a last chance
I'll believe you will be different
I believe you will be better
You will do what you say
Said what you did

I'll see your face in September
Till that time my heart is yours
My patience and restraint
Grows stronger and more firm
My faith secure and solid
The mustard seed turned into a mountain
The boy grows hair
As he turns to a man
Doesn't bite his nails
Brushes his hair
Sees the world a little more clear
Planning ahead instead of
Accepting the next bend
Coffers full on Friday and
still there by Sunday
Filling my stomach
Instead of doping my mind
Caring about myself
Instead of friends
Not being selfish but not
Of the world just
In the world

Whispers

Little taunts in my ears
The devil teases me
With pleasures I can bear
Plays tricks with my mind
You can do it just one time
I'll do everything but bite it
Scratch the itches you can't touch
Scrub the spots you can't reach
Touch all the places
You need to be pleased

Come home with me
Come home with me
I wouldn't dare
It sounds good
But I really don't care
This is a mission I can't fail
A lose I can't bear
A challenge I'll accomplish
A feat that not to deep

A girl worth waiting for
Stands at the finish line
A lifetime of pleasure
Stands over a night of fetishes
A morning full of despair
A reflection in the mirror
I can't look back at
To me she is worth
her weight in gold
Thats a truth I'll hold

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Him ain't we

I got his looks
I got his ego
I got his temper
I got his blood in me
Only difference is
I got the drugs in me
My daddy loved me
I'm not perfect
You can't just change
A lifestyle over night
I'm fighting my demons
Like Tyson in Vegas
Can God save this
Poor soul before
It gets to old
Before the devil
Fully takes hold
My Destiny unfolds
My life takes a toll
My soul can't be sold
My mind can be a mold
It's never too late
for him to take hold

Credibility

I've never lied since our eyes met
After so long will you believe
I've never let another
Touch my lips
Will you believe you were my last
Will you believe my words
As you did once too

How will I stand in your eyes now
Will you see my hunger for your hands
Time has past but your still in my heart
Can you hold me accountable
Like I hold you
Can trust be stronger then distance or time
Will the advice from the shadows of the world
Cover our eyes to the truth before then
Can we trust our hearts and minds
To guide
Do you know you got good insurance on me
Paid it when you packed a bag and flew to me

Have you ever trusted my words
Was there ever a reason to doubt me
I know you were tired of the dramatics
I'm a thespian can we make it work
Turn into pure lovers
Trusting each other with
Darker fantasy's and realities

Funeral

I'll float away into a gritty city
My sins were more then shitty
Ive had a few abortions
I sit and drink alone
Trapped with my own mind
Trying to get a piece of mind
Scratching for another bit of time
I'm getting hotter but I still feel cold
Pause one sec
Trade minds with me
God took seven days to make the world
But nine months to make you
Kitty your beautiful know it's true
I'm trapped in a giant matrix
It's a sticky web of lies
I tell  myself
To make sure reality
Doesn't Sep through
I drank tequila with c boy swagger
Told him a joke that he'll never remember
I'm so deep in this world now
Lifes like a females orgasm
I'm never really sure if it's really there
If Matt linart faking
Or is Chris really making it

The old lady swallowed a cow and die
I sadly know why she swallowed a cow
Running the same race as me
Trying to fix every problem
Life throws at you
When we should just be happy
To be alive with a funny story
This was suppose to be my year
I kicked some habits
Got kicked by love one's
Learned life lessons
And saw a dream come true
Why should I feel blue
Question what's true
Go to sleep alone feeling
Like I'm through
Wear a disguise
When I'm handsome as fuck

Sunday, October 26, 2014

A goal reached

From the time I started this blog.I had one goal in mind.which was to publish my first book.yesterday marked the first day of that dream turning into a reality. My book came in the mail.I can't explain my level of happiness.finally after all these years I've become a published author.

The road isn't over now though.honestly it has just begun.this is the beginning of a whole new journey for me.a new step into my future. Although there are still a few technicalities it's all a learning process. I'm ready to take on this journey and publish another one.

I want to grow more patient with my writing.grow a deeper connection with the characters. Learn how to fix and spot more of my grammatical errors. Just making myself a better author in general. Not just for myself but to also give my fans better quality material.

I can't take all the credit.without God's guidance and patience with me. None of this would of ever come true. I am nothing without him and everything with him. I hope guys that you continue to support me and give me your feed back.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Truth

I thought I had the world
On my shoulders
I had the world on top of me
Lord forever
I got the alcohol in me
I'm in love with drink and women
I'm having a heart attack
Add long as we got each other
You could blow anything
Please Lord forgive me
I've made it so far
Can I not make a toast
I'm living good
But it don't make dollars
So it don't make cents

Thursday, October 23, 2014

A million heirs

I could have a million heirs
By a million different tales
I could choose any race in any place
Your pale face is filled with grace
I'm Filled with insecurities
Driven with passion and rage
Mistakes where made
You are the ten percent
That I treated like the ninety
You are the morning dew
That blooms my flowers
Gives fuel to my love
The spore that broke the bold
Can we not love once more
Understand the other
Break the codes and release our souls
Make amends to the last year
I've only ever needed to be told
With swift actions I can mold
Transform into a force once known
By the bold and lovers of old
Take hold of my hand
Let go of your fear
I'll grasp my control
Stand strong like
A bouncers hold
Wielding a heart of pure gold
Quiz you on random bible trivia
While you cook us a meal
Who wants another
When I've found you
Why continue to search the trees
When God has prepared a feast
No more hunger or thirst
I understand it now with
Monogamy and lives to be

You could have a million guys
Give them all a million tries
Yet you choose me
No need to speak of
what we did in the past
These are lessons in equality
Your wise ways and commitment
Should of been listened to
It took some time but you knew
I would still be right here
Sitting under the sycamore tree
Learning patience and discipline
Savings and maturity
The difference between the
Ninety and the ten out of a hundred
That special one to the million
The right family to the modern day

Stormy nights

Let's cuddle up
Share each other's heat
Be one with me
Share the sun with me
Share the fun with me
Hold me closer and never let me go
When the chocolate factory plays
Pull me in deeper into your womb
Show me you want me there
Grind your hips make it clear
I've missed your touch dear
I've been longing to much
The wind blows and thunder crackles
My shirt comes of your bra is gone
We know how This intimate story goes
You cum first then I come after
Why do you get so wet for me
Do every regret you slept with me
Waking up the next morning
In my warm embrace
The morning breath has no effect
As we smile to start the day
Roll over on your side
In that baby making way
These stormy nights make me feel a way
The colder it gets the  hotter it gets
Sheets filled with passion
In a dark room with only
the moon for light
Where we both know
where staying the night

Monday, October 20, 2014

Ambivalence

Love hate is to straight
Marry me not yet
Seems the right fate
Following our hearts but obeying the law
My pumpatron baby in the muzak dust
I hear your wisdom in the wind
I see your face in the starry night
I've missed loved like
Words out of a morbats tongue
Mixed feelings swirl in lines
I wanna be with you
During every crazy step we gotta take
I'm good without you
Can you understand my ambivalence
Let me not sugar coat this
It's no fantasy and no game
This is real life
Once we jump the broom
It's till death do us part
Can you wake up to my dark face
I can move your hair out the way
Every time the sun rises
You hate that cloud over your head
I hate that I brought fears to reality
So I say we're equal
Neither wants to hear of short comings
Too close to start over but close enough
To make a pact like rebels
My heart is yours
Yours is mines
Tell me when we kiss you don't feel the spark
Tell me that you don't hate fornication
Tell me you don't love passion filled nights
We love it we hate it
We cant stop holding hands
Capture our ambivalence to each other
Bottle it up and spray it like champagne
Look me in the eye and tell me your heart
Speak your mind and never hide
I'll open up and tell you when I need you
Continue to tell you your perfect
In my eyes

Vices

My vices are kicking my ass
Yet I haven't hit the floor
I'm still fighting like holyfield
Yeah I'm missing an ear
But this fight is mines to win
Kissed Mary J Goodbye
Got the liquor under control
Hate to not see hose as often
My livers thank me though
These cancer sticks got me
By the throat and won't let go
Stacking money but still it's never enough
Am I just to greedy
Should I settle for eating when I want
No longer waiting for my next paycheck
When it rains I can get dominoes
No more ramen from the deep parts of the pantry
I had a dream snowflakes
Fall on my expired debit card
I was in a spaceship
Wearing a suit to cash my paycheck
I'm feeling like half man half amazing
Like hot sauce in the rucker
Other days like Samuel Jackson
Stealing his mother's tv
No blow in my system
Just a dying need to blow it all though

My vices are kicking my ass
I haven't hit the floor
I just bounced off the ropes
Trying to make a come back
In round six like Douglas buster

Live for one night and regret it
When I wake up
I'm happier now with a couple pennies saved
Don't missed blacked out nights
Random phone calls filled with emotions
Vomit covering my clothes
Text messages I don't remember sending
Giving no fucks when I go nuts
Walking up from a coma
Thanking God I didn't overdose on the sofa
Now I'm high off life
Laughing is rare but
The comedy is higher quality
My smile is genuine
My mind tighter then a boa constrictor
I got goals that I could meet
With a cup that will quench my thirst forever
I whole new outlook on life
A dream of a house and wife
A few kids and stories to
Share with my son
Let him know the vices can only
Hit you but can never knock you out



My devotion

It strings from restraint
It spawns from a hurt
I've felt once before
To touch another and see that look
That's a hit my heart can't take
She deserve a pure me
She offers her self to me
I offer my love and dedication
I've been used more then once
Stepped on like corner hard
She is pure and saved her purity for me
How could I disappoint by being unclean
My past is just my past
The future and present are to be judged
I'm holding on better then they think
I'm gay in my actions and words
I'm caving for her curves
One touch of her tongue I'll explode
Milk for my milk maiden
She catches every drop and pulls for more
My kitty Kat drinking from her bowl
My devotion comes with many other d's
Dedication for us
deserving of us
decent for you
disrupted for a little bit
deceived I've to many times
degree I'll need it
demand and you get
deemed righteous in his name
denied your love for to long
debuted before the world
devoted to you and only you
devour you some night soon licking you from head to toe I want that taste I entree that smell I want you moaning my name as I drill your hole
I'm devoted to you and my Lord
I've set a date and I'll see you then

The mailbox

I placed a piece of my heart
In the mail today
The last token of her I had
Now only pictures and memories stay
My legs felt like stone
My mind blew with the wind
But my heart would not
Allow me to be petty
I said prayers to shield me from the wind
He answered and she received the word
Sending me a warm hoodie
For these cold ny streets
Yet my prayer would take
Away my one piece left with her
Answered prayers come with a cost
Maybe she didn't need it
Maybe she wanted it away from her sight
No need to think of a heart
that is out of sight
Why continue our great plight
I would gladly bear the cold
To keep my heart with her
Now the mail has our love in boxes
How taboo for us two
How irrelevant to you
This devotion is real
I've prayed again
What will the cost be this time

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Shallow pond

Take a drink and you will never thirst again
I'm hesitant
Sounds to good to be true
But God that's a shallow pond
I can't even drown in it
How is it gonna quench my thirst
He gave me one request
I have me the questions
They tell me back in the day
You would of got ten lashes
With a bastardo for questioning master
I strayed from religion
Tried to believe it was filled with
Gypsies and con men
Now I'm standing in a shallow pond
With a cup in my hand
Ready to drink and never drink again

More rest then sex

I need to slow down
I'm moving to fast
I need more rest less sex
These girl confuse and abuse
Flooding my heart
With emotions
Like the reservoir erupted
My conscience so weak
I need a week to cut it up
Into seven parts
Called it seven pounds
It's blacker then your forest
I'll be your white knight
You be my black knight
Let's trade words like they trade swords
I'll come rescue you from within
That black forest you call your heart
You could open mines up
Operate on it like a doctor
Nothing can die if you
Shock it enough
Keep me on my toes
Like I told you before
Boredom can chase us to the edge of the earth
We could trick it and push him off it
Laugh as we make love
Under the blood moon
Praying that the Lord comes soon

All this might sound dumb to you
Read between the lines
Like its fine print
My soul burns my mind yearns
For understanding
Finally he loves me
He carries me over the coals
Supports me in my goals
Tells me be patient with girls
They're made of everything nice
Like sugar and spice
You once cooked me white rice
Beef with broccoli
Cause you loved me
I teased you just to see your smile
You forgot the salt.
I'll ride with you back again
Two or three time
till we get
This recipe right

Saturday, October 18, 2014

A pimp named Frank

I meet the weirdest people during my travels. It always surprises me how they come into my life. It's like God sends them but on the other hand it's so random. I don't believe in coincidences so the most high must work them into my path. I don't remember how or what we started talking about. Mostly he just started telling me about running whore houses and life. It would be important to say during this time.the only thing I could think about is the saying opposites attract.he met his wife while he was still running the street. She loved Christ and he never considered church. I also want to say this is another perfect example of life and marriage not being a fairy tale. He loved her but had to make choices.give up his life of sex, money and other sins I don't want to mention. Or lose her to another man or worse lose himself in an already dwindling lifestyle. Now this would be the point where I would love to say that he became a pastor. It's not he was Frank. He gave it all up for what his heart told him. He accepted Christ along with the struggle.that struggle being accepting his new life. Which came with ups and downs but the love persevered. I've always been told the right woman can change your world.I've never believed it until it happened to me.I wasn't on an extreme like Frank but I was deep enough in the world.

Frank also told me about the struggles of marriage.it seems funny taking advice from a pimp.yet at the same time not really since he's had more life experience then me. Also a longer marriage then most. On that I have to speak on his dedication.or at least the dedication every person should have to the ones they love. In over twenty years of marriage they spilt once.and I quote "I left my wife once and I'll never do it again!". Words that stuck with me. I come to see now that distance grows the heart fonder. With time you will see all the rights and wrongs you are making in life with just a little distance. Some times it can be UN healthy but other times.it's just what you need. Don't turn a time apart into a time to indulge yourself in your vices.rather find a way to build on your heart and where you and your life can go.if a pimp named Frank can do it so could you.love yourself and love the one your with cause that person might just get up and split.

Thinking of you

It's been a while since I've had time to ponder about you.
I thought we would be married at 50
Watching our mantle
Full of trophies
From our dedication
To taking the kids to little league

Fuck the bullshit we in love
Our daughter got your eyes
She has my smile
Our son wants to read all day
He thinks girls are icky
Our car seats are sticky
From family road trips
They're in the back arguing
About who touched who first

They listen to us at night make love
Make faces at the breakfast table
When we kiss and say we love each other
Our daughter dreams of a man
That loves her like I do you
I hate to end this story
So I'm gonna go back to our first kiss

You only want the best for me
So I should listen to you
Im a mess but only God
Can clean me up
Let's hold hands while we walk into church
Let's volunteer at vacation bible school
Give my kids the upbringing I had
Only they get to have a dad
They will know all the bible stories
We both know and songs we both share

I got have a million kitty Kats
But I would always choose the original
Mimics can only imitate and flatter
Looking into your eyes
Makes my heart flutter
My words stutter
My legs can't take the weight
How could a copy ever
Make me feel this deep

A new start

Ok guys do being in the verge of publishing I want to step this blog up. starting tomorrow I will either post a thousand words on my thoughts for the day or I will give two poems.
I believe that not only have I been slacking on this blog. I have also been doing my fans a great injustice. So to better myself and give my fans what they deserve I will do more.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Lava making

I'm so hot lava
Gets heat from me
I'm popping like a kernel
I planned to fight my demons
Now the devil I'd trying to test me to pieces
What else can I do but prepare for the rapture
Things that use to confuse me
Now makes more sense to me
I contemplated suicide like a DVD
Now I see I'm not drowning
I'm wading in the water
I hear your voice in the dark
With all the dearth you seen
Does it not make you feel like you got a purpose
I'm suppose to be the Christ bringing
I use to preach and give ppl the holy ghost
I turned to filling ppl with holy smoke
Betting on how much will make us comatose
I was trapped into my dark mind
I just accepted I'm an idiot
Destroying my temple
When I should be buried with a few novels
Instead of alcoholic poisoning and
Tears from loved ones
I'm asked all the time who am I
I had to get out of my mind
Selfish virtues and drug fueled emotions
In order to let go of yourself
You have to let yourself slip
I took the tumble  and realized
It was only my pride that could be hurt
Be a pride full man can't get into heaven
I've been given a chance once again
Note it's time to grab it and run
Like a bank robber with no gun
I wanna drink from the well
That will make me never thirst again
I wanna be honest
Not only to you but to myself


First time.2

Prayer changes things was a the beginning quote that started our night.

They sang a song that had been stuck in my head and I want it to get stuck in my heart.the chorus goes:
Set a fire down in my soul
That I can't contain
That I can't control

I need More of you Lord         
I need more of you Lord

2 Timothy 3 was the ending chapter.I want to read more and give more of an explanation to the things he spoke about.

The preacher said that lately people are Having a form of godly ness but denying its power. This caught me since once the love if my life told me my name means Christ bringing. In fact in the past I have brought many people to church who never knew Christ.which is ironic now since I have ran from church over the past couple years.

The preacher also said Selfishness is the biggest problem that's going to lead to Christ and Selfishness is gonna bring the anti Christ into power. Which I can believe because if we only think about ourselves and our prosperity then evil men will rise to power while the good fearing people most likely will fall to despair.which note that I consider it breaks my heart.that that is the way the world is working on.which also remind me of a sarcastic poem I write one called why not.I said the girls love the men that lie and cheat and turn their nose to the men that offer love and devotion.

Again I want to emphasise this not only for you guys but for myself. In order to re invent yourself you must realize the Times
Repent means do something for Christ while reinvent means do something for yourself

I have gone by many names over my life and lived many lives just to keep up with the times. Their have been many times though that I needed to bring my Sun's to Christ though and relieve the pressure on my heart.yet I ask myself and you guys.have you reinvented more then you repented?

First time

Today was the first time in about two years that I stepped foot in a church. I was very nervous at first since I've built up almost a fear of being in the building. Yet today I felt the message was for me.he spoke on 2 Timothy and the signs of the end times. I can see how these times we live in are getting worse. The selfishness of the world is a sin that I myself harbour inside me.

For to long I have been seen to do so much for others.in actuality I'm doing things for myself.since helping others in the end actually helps me.

The pastor said people hate to repent because that means doing something for Christ.they would rather reinvent themselves because that is for you. I felt that was a thought I wanted to share and ask you guys to consider the truth in his statement.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

coldest winter

these are memories en grained in my brain
from the coldest winter
goodbye my friend
why do we ever
have to love
others

 you love me for me could you be more phony
cat got your tongue  loves got the gun
first reaction is to run
never look back
im growing stronger everyday
im growing colder everynight
i see couples and i see you
i see your smile i see a ghost
filled with anger not towards you
more to myself
overflowing with love not for self
drowning in my own inequeties
My vices got a hold of me

Finally I don't need my eyes to see
The lords guiding me
I was too weak to walk
He carries me through the desert
I found Jehovah in the darkest place
I'm talking darker then Louisiana basements
Look at what you did for me
Look at how you set me free

Wherever you are could I join you
Could we not touch just mind fuck
Let me into yours and I'll let you into mines
I reenact watching you sleep
How safe you seem next to me
I'm staring  into your eyes and
Float away like waves in the ocean
Mesmerized that it took God
7 days to make the world
But 9 months to make you
Where ever you going can I come

Monday, September 29, 2014

quotes from books

friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life. and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine-thomas jefferson

i must exist in shadows, while you live under exquisitely blue skies, and yet i dont hate you. i dont resent you for the freedom that you take for granted-although i do envy you.-seize the night

i am my own worst enemy. this, more than any other trait, proves my fundamental humanity.

we need hope as surely as we need food and water, love and friendship, the trick, however, is to remember that hope is a perilous thing, that its not a steel and concrete bridge across the void between this moment and a brighter future. hope is no stronger than tremulous beads of dew strung on filament of spiderwebs. it alone cant long support the terrible weight of an anguished mind and a tortured heart.

long before adolescence, i knew that each of us is sand in the hourglass, steadily running out of the upper globe into the stillness of the globe below, and that in my particular hourglass, the neck between these spheres is wider than in most.

between a man and woman in love, no lie is small or harmless.

this is the problem with life. nothing is easy. its just one damn thing after another. the line between where you are and where you want to be is never straight and simple to follow. there are always walls you have to get around, fences you have to climb over and when you go around and over all of them, then there's suddenly a damn ravine of you, a canyon an abyss.- what the night knows

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Her words

They should of hurt
They should of broke me
They should of turned me back to the old me
Instead they built me up
The made me stronger
They made me a little more whole
They ring in my ears
When I'm all alone
I ponder her thoughts
I ponder my actions
I never question my devotion
I never give up
Her words tell me to
Her words comfort me in the storm
The word guides me and the ghost moves me
I see where I need to be and
the Lord had plans for me
Her words caused panic but now gives relief

The return of Giovanni

His face is oh to familiar
His voice is one I've heard many times
His fire and passion is my fear
His love and devotion is unfair
He grips my throat and
Makes me choke
He is my Tyler durdan
Washed away in a sea of despair
He leads the party in search of me
I buried him but he lives
I run from him
But there is no where to hide
I've missed him although I hate him
The emotions he brings
Help me in no way
They push those I love away
Although he wants them to stay
Mr. Gucomo where is the air
Where is the love and despair
Why must be walk this earth
With no end in sight
How long have we endured this long plight
You gave the love of my life such a fright
Run away with my heart bury my soul
Dig a hole deeper then ten feet
There is no place that he can't reach
Away with my world
Away from her touch
He is not in control
He is the bearer of true love
He is turning into a control

Thursday, September 11, 2014

smoking challenge day 11

today is a day that will live in infamy. i finally broke down. i was so close to reaching the goal. i was three days away. yet i dont feel this failure is the end all be all. i feel this is a lesson to strengthen me. from the moment i woke up today i had such a ill feeling for the day. my feeling was then mimiced in my coworkers. it seemed everyone was having an off day. now as i sit i feel down since this is another chris fell short moment.yet i dont feel like giving up completely i will like this rebound will be even stronger. now i see my faults and weaknesses to battling this. i know where my strengths lie. so i will consider these two weeks a test run.

the worst part of today was i actually considered not even being honest with you guys and not being honest with myself. ive never been much of a dishonest person so that thought made me feel very sick. so here i am now in my naked honesty letting you guys know my failures. hoping that hopefully i can go through it so that you dont have to go through it. i do have a plan to finish this goal and continue in order to be smoke free. i have been talking to a few people and i have come up with some better exercise things to take up my off time from work.

on a lighter note i think i might have partially broken my back at work. a box feel on me today and my back has just not felt the same. touching my toes is a task now. i feel the pain but i really have a fear of going to doctors now. i especially dont want to go to one to work on my back for it to get more messed up then it already is.

finally guys i ask that you continue to pray for me getting stronger. i look forward to starting  over and finishing this. my goal for the rest of this year is finishing what i started. these small stumbles cant hold me back.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

smoking challenge day 10

well today was an awesome day. i realized that god puts you in places for reasons. for example my job. i use to never care about being on time or if i should up or not. but now that i work in the mailing business my attitude has changed. now its important to me to get to work early. because if i dont show up not only could i get fired. it means my coworkers have to take on a heavier load then they have to. that means someone might not get their mail. that means their will be less money in my check. all these things have made me want to leave my house earlier and to take my job more serious. i hope that i can use these lessons in future job sites and also in my life. i need to take things more serious.

i also see it in my bank account. i can actually go out and buy a burger any day of the week i want rather than have to wait til payday or the weekend like i use to. saving has become something i really focus on now. i find myself asking myself do i need to buy this right now or is this really necessary. lately most of the time its no. which im relieved about it because if i dont take it serious i would miss my chance for a car again. i have realized in my life god gives me the opportunity to make all my dreams come true. somewhere down the line though i squander it away for frivolous reasons. now i want to succeed in a land slide way. i dont want to just barely make it through. all my life all i have done is just barely gotten by. its time i feel that now i actually reach my full potential i excel in what i want and see my dreams come true.

on a third note he has showed me why this break between me and love was so important. i needed to know the things on her heart and if we had continued to stay together i would of never known. i would of never been able to see these things in myself. when i say that i say it as i saw them but never "took them serious" since their is always tomorrow. which is why i love her why put off for tomorrow what you can fix today. we each needed to be put in a corner for us to come back stronger and more focused then before. i believe now that all the events of our lives together have been leading up to something great. something that i will be proud to tell our kids. not just some magic cupid spell that hit us. although that would of been wonderful ive come to realize its not practical. it works for some but not for all. i looked at other relationships and compared them to ours. which was wrong because she is her and i am me. we can never be them or be like them. they can never be like us or will never be like us. we have no reason to be ashamed for what has transpired between us because i believe that god has done all of this to make us stronger not only for each other but as individuals.

i had alot of demons i needed to face and that i actually never saw. now i have time to fight them just as my phoenix is fighting hers. i had to face the fact that she is the 10% and i have only ever dealt with the 90%. i needed to grow up in order to know how to see a real lover and significant other was. my respect and love for her has grown 10 fold the more i realize i need to grow with christ and learn myself. i realize a girl like her is important to have by your side to see when your doing wrong. i dont want a girl that will watch me drive off a cliff and just be happy cause im happy. i need a woman that will tell me stop the car and turn around or make this left turn or go right. or at least the basic lets stop and pray to see if god really does want us to go over this cliff. it took alot for my love to say the things it did. although so of the words hurt. not because they were vindictive but because they were true and no one else would of said them to me.

on another note i was so tired today when i came home that i had not the energy to work out or do my yogo today. actually not one day this week have i done any exercise and i feel awful about it. since last week when i did workout lightly after work my back feels better. i can honestly say that my back has never hurt so much in my life. im trying to use proper lifting techniques but at the speed they want us to move its hard to always do that. i think that i will make a stronger effort to work out after work. seeing as i have time now. since the next coming weeks will be a challenge. seeing a peak is coming and holidays.

finally i have been kinda frustrated in a way for the past couple days. i have some really good poems ive been working on but i cant find the right words to bring them where they need to be. i have been consumed in reading a few books on my kindle. i cant find the inspiration to get out my thoughts. when they do come though im busy and far away from my notebook so i cant get into them. the thoughts fly away like birds in the sunset its pretty sad. yet dont fear i will finish these poems since i think they perfectly describe my emotions toward this challenge and my life at the moment. i feel i would be doing you guys an injustice by not sharing them.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

smoking challenge day 9

so today was another awesome day i had three revelations about myself. the first i will say came after one of the most embarrassing moments ive had in a long time.. i was working on a truck and suddenly i heard this loud rip. i thought to myself ok no big deal just a small tear in my jeans. went on to the second truck and the rip got louder. only this time my area manager was standing right behind me. he called another manager over and un aware to me they were looking at my ripped up jeans. now i didnt know it at the time but apparently my whole ass was hanging out my jeans in my boxers like a streetwalker. now normally i hate being the butt of the joke.everyone knows i love a good laugh but that is the one thing that drives me crazy. yet today i took it and finished my whole day of work. i even stood an hour an a half  longer today with all my pants burst opened. lol it was so bad i had to tie my hoody over my waist and look like a fag all the way home. the looks i got today were priceless.

now normally when something like that happens my first reaction is oh god kill me. which brings us to the second revelation. i value my life way to much now to let something as simple and minor as being laughed after send me into a depressed state. there are more trivial things in life that could bring it on. i actually had to laugh at myself today for ever thinking that way. it secretly made me feel so empowered and loved by the lord to be so blessed. ive had an awesome life and i would rather live it all over then just give it up to do nothing. for a good part of my life i had not valued myself and found value in what i could do rather then who i am.now today i say im alive with hope im in control and god is the pilot.

now finally the third revelation. i dont know what it is with girls but when they know you are single or just got out of a relationship they stampede you. well at least thats how its been in my life. for the past couple of weeks i have realized that. although i speak to nobody at my job for real they all know me and they want to be my friend. some more then others but i personally would rather keep it just business. i found myself walking home after work and talking to the lord today. the temptation is great but i have never been a cheater. it's actually sad to say its always been the other way around. although me and the love of my life are not together right now. i feel like one of those old men who's wife died and they never date or marry again because, they would never be able to find someone that could replace their love. i dont want to do anything now that would jeopardize my happiness in the future. these are the things you must fight through with yourself to have a meaningful marriage. if you cant resist temptation way from here how can you do it while she is taking care of the kids or on vacation or ill. i honestly could not see any of these girls even stepping close to the level of my kitty kat. she is a all around solider and they just want to play with my heart seeing it is a bit hurt. i know the mind games women play and i know how to avoid them.

in conclusion i felt like this week although ive had some stumbles has been way more helpful and insightful then last week. i feel like im getting closer to myself as i get closer to the lord.

Monday, September 8, 2014

the other

she wants to replace her
she wants to make me forget her
i wont let her
i wont cave to her seduction


she whispers in my ears
she tell me im strong
she tells me just come over
and tries to ease my stress
she covers her body in perfumes
she makes me hurt in my pants
she wants me and traps me
licking her lips and touching me sweetly
she tell me everything i need to hear

the devil in the red dress
he is just to near
the hunger builds and swells
ready to ravish her whole
im filled with disgust
cant even raise my finger
just smile and nod
soon the day will be over
ill be far away from her scent
i wont have to see her clothes
i wont hear her calls


this hunger builds
and streches my underwear
i will smoke but
i wont touch her
she's in my thoughts
she getting in my head
i have something better
that the lord has given me
whoa is me
running from my temptation
and praying to the lord
deliver me from evil
and subdue this hunger

from devotion to assurance
from loving to living
ive been through enough
she is cancerous
far from my kitty kat
she is not in love
she just wants lust
she just wants me
but she wont have me

smoking challenge day 8

guys i feel amazing today. although i went to the doctor today and they confirmed that im allegic to everything outside sadly. i am just filled with such happiness. i walked past the store not once not twice but three times today. and i did not buy any cigs. i honestly want to walk past again just to tempt myself but i feel like ill cave to the pressure. its best to set a goal and not go past it.although i am craving one so bad. i feel like im strong enough to go without caving. its really weird though today since i woke up all i kept hearing is everything will be ok. i want to believe that this is one of those times when the lord picks you up and carries you.

i went out last night and drank and to my surprise i walked home and usually once ive made it home i get a cig and smoke before i go to sleep. last night i just came home and ate and went to bed. i usually need to smoke when i wake up after a night of drinking. yet today i woke up and i didnt need nor want one. i felt perfectly fine. not hung over not in need of anything. i want this feeling to continue to feel this way and make my life more guided to continuing this feeling.

i just feel so invigorated and alive today. i want to shout to someone that god can help you through anything. but i wont since i live in new york and dont want to be another bible thumper on the street. but none the less i feel like anything is possible. i have a handful of poems that ive been working on.

im super excited to fine tune them and put them up some time today. also that ill be getting my violin back by then end of the week. im not sure yet how ill work it into my schedule but im excited to actually get to pick it back up and sound horrible lol. seeing as the only song ive ever learned was twinkle twinkle little star. my goal will be to learn a new one. hopefully i can remember how to read the notes.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

smoking challenge day 7

well i took a day for myself yesterday. im feeling reinvigorated i feel ready for the new week to begin. i feel as if this week will be smoother and better then last week. i believe i have found my weaknesses and im ready to exploit them. boredom is my enemy and im ready to fight him. there is nothing that i cant accomplish and no task to hard. i have been in tougher situations. i will fight this addiction will all i have cause if i cant beat it then it has beaten me. i hate to lose and i refuse to lose to something i spend money on.

im stronger then this and i know i have the will power. this year is suppose to be a mild stone year. this year will be the year i mold myself into who i want to be. the man i have hoped to be all these years. i will not back down from this challenge and i wont let myself down. i have been down this road before and i have fought and won. im older, wiser and stronger now so i should be able to summon the strength and courage i need.

this blog just reminds me of the bible quotes i have posted this week. i have the strength and ability to overcome this. jesus over came the world so can i.

what i needed

what i needed was to open my ears
what i needed was to hear
what i needed was a chance
what i needed was a plan


time to grow up baby boy
time to make my world more sure
maturity doesn't equal stability
stability doesn't equal comfort-ability
to long have i clowned around
to long have i ate of the silver spoon
living off coat tails
yet ill live to tell the tail

i needed her to talk to me
i needed someone to step to me
her bravery speaks virtues
her devotion makes poetry
my juices are flowing
my nerves are a wreck
the inspiration just keeps coming
im better alone
but im never alone

what i needed was to open my ears
what i needed was to hear
what i needed was a chance
what i needed was a plan



Friday, September 5, 2014

smoking challenge day 5.2

ok so ive picked two bible verses for the day. i know i said i would pick one but they were both so good and i want to actually get into the context of what they are referring too. also i missed the quote from yesterday so i figured it would be ok to make up.


Job 13:15  Though he slay me, I will hope in him;   yet I will argue my ways to his face.

this utterly confuses me and i want to read job now for more clarity. why or how this is a scripture for strength i am not sure. but given that i have been battling with myself and giving myself to the lord. it caught my eye and i feel like it relates to me in some way. so its worth looking into.
if any of you have any idea about it then im more then willing to hear it.

Romans 5:5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

now this one i feel pretty much speaks for itself. giving the last few weeks ive felt ashamed of a few things. this quote just brings be back to reality. we all make mistakes. its how we cope and manage our mistakes that matter. making sure we learn form them in order not to repeat them i feel is the most important thing. again i feel i could be taking this out of context so i will review both and give my finding tomorrow. with my update on day 6. im expecting good things

i feel like this week was rough but i pulled through with minimal slips. now the weekend is always a challenge. as i said earlier its finding something to put into the periods of boredom that i need to work on the most. well pray from me guys its almost time for work.


smoking challenge day 5

well today was a very long day. i smoked and i must say it felt horrible. after you dont smoke for a few days that taste in your mouth is god awful. i realize i need to find something more to do in my off time. the boredom has started to take hold. the boredom makes me slip back. also i realized when i left for work yesterday i never picked a new quote for the day. ill make sure to not make that mistaek again for today.

any ideas on what i can do for my free time during the day. working out only covers so much time. i need to be more proactive in my moments of boredom. i was considering picking my violin back up and learning some songs. it never hurts to dedicate so time to the arts. now i just need to start the hard task of actually finding it.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

smoking challenge day 4

well today has been a most eventful day. i feel invigorated for some reason. my back is killing me from work but today i didnt have the urge to smoke, i did however eat breakfast with my coworkers and didnt come home to do yoga or work out. so i kinda messed up the habit but im feeling confident tomorrow will be back to normal. its Friday my favorite day of the week. i went out bought batteries for my wii fit board. im ready to get back into shape. i think these yoga stretches after my work out will be more then helpful. i can feel the difference today getting off of work then how i felt yesterday.

yesterday my back hardly hurt once i finished stretching with the poses for yoga. now today i feel it in my lower back. although its not to late to work out. im never been a fan of working out in the middle of the day. i might however do a few just to stretch myself out.

i also want to express how it is important to try and keep positive thoughts. all day i kept pondering what was my definition of peace compared to the peace God would offer. im referring to my quote of the day john 16:33. i have thought so far that they are one and the same. for if im keeping on the path that he has set of me. then no matter where i end up it will be perfect for me since he has brought me there. i do have the urges to just smoke though but as a side note. i kept saying to myself he overcame the earth, he overcame the earth" which might be silly but to me if i kept reminding myself that it is possible through him. then its possible for me to attain that goal.

i want to dwell on the positive now rather then what i cant do or what i want to do. its better to stay in the present and look to the future. then keep your mind on the past and things you cant have or do.