well today was an awesome day. i realized that god puts you in places for reasons. for example my job. i use to never care about being on time or if i should up or not. but now that i work in the mailing business my attitude has changed. now its important to me to get to work early. because if i dont show up not only could i get fired. it means my coworkers have to take on a heavier load then they have to. that means someone might not get their mail. that means their will be less money in my check. all these things have made me want to leave my house earlier and to take my job more serious. i hope that i can use these lessons in future job sites and also in my life. i need to take things more serious.
i also see it in my bank account. i can actually go out and buy a burger any day of the week i want rather than have to wait til payday or the weekend like i use to. saving has become something i really focus on now. i find myself asking myself do i need to buy this right now or is this really necessary. lately most of the time its no. which im relieved about it because if i dont take it serious i would miss my chance for a car again. i have realized in my life god gives me the opportunity to make all my dreams come true. somewhere down the line though i squander it away for frivolous reasons. now i want to succeed in a land slide way. i dont want to just barely make it through. all my life all i have done is just barely gotten by. its time i feel that now i actually reach my full potential i excel in what i want and see my dreams come true.
on a third note he has showed me why this break between me and love was so important. i needed to know the things on her heart and if we had continued to stay together i would of never known. i would of never been able to see these things in myself. when i say that i say it as i saw them but never "took them serious" since their is always tomorrow. which is why i love her why put off for tomorrow what you can fix today. we each needed to be put in a corner for us to come back stronger and more focused then before. i believe now that all the events of our lives together have been leading up to something great. something that i will be proud to tell our kids. not just some magic cupid spell that hit us. although that would of been wonderful ive come to realize its not practical. it works for some but not for all. i looked at other relationships and compared them to ours. which was wrong because she is her and i am me. we can never be them or be like them. they can never be like us or will never be like us. we have no reason to be ashamed for what has transpired between us because i believe that god has done all of this to make us stronger not only for each other but as individuals.
i had alot of demons i needed to face and that i actually never saw. now i have time to fight them just as my phoenix is fighting hers. i had to face the fact that she is the 10% and i have only ever dealt with the 90%. i needed to grow up in order to know how to see a real lover and significant other was. my respect and love for her has grown 10 fold the more i realize i need to grow with christ and learn myself. i realize a girl like her is important to have by your side to see when your doing wrong. i dont want a girl that will watch me drive off a cliff and just be happy cause im happy. i need a woman that will tell me stop the car and turn around or make this left turn or go right. or at least the basic lets stop and pray to see if god really does want us to go over this cliff. it took alot for my love to say the things it did. although so of the words hurt. not because they were vindictive but because they were true and no one else would of said them to me.
on another note i was so tired today when i came home that i had not the energy to work out or do my yogo today. actually not one day this week have i done any exercise and i feel awful about it. since last week when i did workout lightly after work my back feels better. i can honestly say that my back has never hurt so much in my life. im trying to use proper lifting techniques but at the speed they want us to move its hard to always do that. i think that i will make a stronger effort to work out after work. seeing as i have time now. since the next coming weeks will be a challenge. seeing a peak is coming and holidays.
finally i have been kinda frustrated in a way for the past couple days. i have some really good poems ive been working on but i cant find the right words to bring them where they need to be. i have been consumed in reading a few books on my kindle. i cant find the inspiration to get out my thoughts. when they do come though im busy and far away from my notebook so i cant get into them. the thoughts fly away like birds in the sunset its pretty sad. yet dont fear i will finish these poems since i think they perfectly describe my emotions toward this challenge and my life at the moment. i feel i would be doing you guys an injustice by not sharing them.
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