An Ambiguous Mistress

She comes like a thief in the night
To recapture my soul
A friend from old with stories untold
She whispers in my ear
No one has to know
But I know when they look in my eyes
All my lies become told
My love for her never gets old
She's been with me through thick and thin

She comes in many forms,
Depending on how I feel for the night
She's the main reason of my great plight
Because of her I lost my true love
And she's back to take my new love
Why did I let her in,  this temptress of fate
She waits up for me even when it's late

Before I get off of work she calls my soul
Tells me she's waiting at my home
She sits by my table and watches me write
Quiet as a mouse until I feel right
plots she fills my head with are grandeur
I know she's only here to take my soul

I have a woman that means my world
This mistress causes me to put her on hold
She doesn't want money or my name
All she wants is cold ice and a twirl
She's cost me so much and still wants more
I gotta let her go,  I have to leave her alone
She always knows when im alone
She always knows when im home
She knows I'll always pick up the phone
Grab her by the neck and enjoy her whole

Who can I tell;  that doesn't know
She's back again and I'm sinking in
Drowning in her care
Running from despair
Craving a love that's so near
Trying to hold on to a woman that's so dear
While entertaining the devil's tears
Can I win or will I fail?
My goals have been so clear
Now she's back to refract the light
All of this on my great plight

Leave it here

I can't say it too your face
So ill just leave it here
I cant stomach the words
Or wanna see the pain
In your eyes
So ill just leave it here

I got pain in my heart
It brings me down
Way past the ground
I've smoked and not heard a sound
I'm back to buying product and gin
Hunting pyt's only for the win
Take them out for a spin
Give them a little din
Then it's my turn to dig in
Fill their holes and corrupt their souls

Women circle my life
Fill it with smiles and strife
Ive been down and living life
A new emotional rollercoaster
Every week and other month
I can't say it out loud
So ill just leave it here

My loves taken for granted
My funds get used with no reprieve
who listens when i grieve
A clowns suicide rants
Entertain the masses
And they applaud his cries

Im ashamed to say
How many matching tats I got
With woman ive been put on perma block
waking to find your stocks dropped
I cant even call them to talk about my day
My loves been denied and turned away

We flew to a foreign island
Just to argue on the beach
Coronas and weed just in between
Took pictures with smiles
Just too argue about making it look real
Yet it wasn't that day my heart took sail
The wind blew when cabin doors closed
I got tired of playing house
We didn't even sit on the same side
Me and the flight attendants
laughed and joked just too mask my hurt

Every holiday was a new plan
From this house to that one
We both miles on the road
Just to feel each others warm embrace
I wrote insecurities and put it to the public
For the public feelings you made me show
Can you still taste the bitterness
That comes in between the lines?
I'm still confused and trying to figure it out
I showed you game and you ran it on me
The snow globe shattered and fell
The porcelain house cracked in half
The tsunami of water rippled time
The snow left my heart cold
I want too hold your neck
And do things that won't be told

My latest love proclaims her love
Yet it's never enough to keep her here
Every wrong word and she's out the door
My heart can't bear it anymore
Such pain from the one i adore

Where is the love when i need it
When will they see me for who i am
Realize my loves not a sham
This isn't a Nigerian scam
Im writing in my journals like stan
Ready to just say fuck the plan
This will be my last stand
All these emotions i can't understand

The precipice of love

Three years you held him
I sat in jail with no mail
Locked down on the tier with no bail
Up the river without a sail
Rethinking, overthinking, 
replaying, regretting
The decisions I made
Only to have you back
For over a year
Every other night we shed tears
You threatened to throw
My dog off the banister
Kick him down the stairs
Exploiting all my parenting fears

I waited years and held out hope
Took my life down a slippery slope
Drank until I made myself broke
Couldn't eat but had time to smoke
I mixed drugs and depression
In the hopes of completion
Combining my body, mind and soul
The mending of my heart never came
My books got finished
Pages were read in anticipation

Only too find a black queen
That I thought deserved my heart

We drove over twelve hours
just to meet your parents
Wasted your gas and time
You shared all your insecurities
Just too dump me in Birmingham
On the curb because you loved me
We watched heat
And you told me not to live like that
How you turn and do that?

I had a girl who subbed to my blog
Bought my books and got them signed
We use to argue about
her never getting mentioned
how she was real compared to my stories
The love she gave was genuine
Im sure she didn't expect
Her name to come up like this

I told her bring some juice
I got the sin enough for too
Even when you exclude me
This shouldn't be nothing new
Ive been so lonely
Ive forgotten my worth
Once or twice
Ive been so horny
Ive forgotten my morals
Two times to many

Flicking and clicking

Every tone brings me sorrow
I know everytime it won't be you
Here we are again
Left to the others
Cause you can't look me in the eyes
My phone stays ready to die
Yet I'm awaiting your call
I keep setting myself up for the fall
I'm still waiting for a call
Look at the obsession
Can you feel me hurt
Did you hear my heart break
Over the bed you were rocking

Alone in my room
The clock ticks away
Every notification gives me false hope
Your miles away thinking about another
While I'm here stuck on you
Just feeling so blue
Trying to accept we're through
All because I can't provide for you

Another one taken by
A man richer than me
With perverted intentions
When the love got lost
You forgot to mention
Tell me those true words
So I can stop looking at the phone

The anxiety makes me sick
My sleep is never enough
The gym brings no reprieve
I'm attached to my phone
For all the wrong reasons
I wanna hear the truth
Tell me some more lies
Anything to stop my sighs

Clicking and flicking
The phone on and off
Every message ain't the right one
Every notification brings
Me too the depths of despair
This depression has be pulling my hair
Acting out in public
And waiting for someone
to dare Cross that line
so the bomb can explode this time.

Becoming nothing

You laid in my arms
Filled my mind with sweet dreams
False hopes and joys to never be
Played on my emotions
exposing my vulnerability
Only to run and hide

Take away the pain this time
Take away the lies
Every time you look into my eyes
Your hurting but I'm hurting too
Encased in others loving embrace
Trying to fill the void
Holding back the tears
Forcing smiles from ear to ear

Give back the love you stole
Make my heart whole once more
Was it not you
Who i did adore
I never lied,  i never broke ties
Yet it wasn't enough to stop the lies

Month after month we fight whats inside
The dream was to be side by side
I bought it and more
Even the child you never bore

I was convinced I was different
I was convinced I was special
To find out I was nothing but a pawn
The only one who wanted you
To have everything you wanted
The only one who couldn't afford to do it
The pauper played for a fool
All in the name of love.

8 more than 92

The sky is only gray
I've finally hurt bae
I've left her in agony

So consumed by myself
I forget she needs the love
From me from another
From anybody she calls lover
The trust is gone
The love is gone
We've both become so withdrawn
I'm up and it just turned dawn
I'm thinking about another fight
Another night where I've done harm

How can I expect things to be fine
After all of our mistakes
We've smiled and lied
To each others face
Can we ever trust
What the other has to say?

My pleas for attention
Fell on deaths ears
Now the clouds
Reflect our betrayals
Its 70 degrees in nyc
But I can't see the sun
When is enough.. enough
I'm done with
The woman, liquor and drugs
Have we not gone through enough?

I've pushed us to the precipice
Filled heads with dreams of allure
Im doing things you can't ignore
For to long our feelings we've whored
It's time for us too just adore
Hold each other
And speak things we've never told
Were both just getting to old

Why can't we just grow and build
I've heard too many
chances have been given
I wish I was lucky sleven
I came to bama to see your face
Grab my things and leave that place
We keep saying everything
happens for a reason
Is that why I didn't get my .38 shells
To empty them where
All my depressions and regrets dwell

Forgiveness and reinvention
Is the key to longevity
You've said more then once
Can I trust you again
To not leave me on the pavement

D'evils

Uncertainties are the fruit of life that we have yet to harvest.
Ive been to a Buddhist temple
And seen a side of myself
That ive never known
What's inside is hatred
For myselfand those around
How can I let go
of the things that burden me
Of all my insecurities, emergencies
Family surgeries,  the ego,  every time she go,
How can I just let we go

The only immortal that you know
Time doesn't matter
Whats 30hrs to a G like me

One isn't enough we need two
Isn't that our motto
Who's bed are we hiding in tonight
He holds and comforts you
She sucks my soul out
Cooks and strokes my ego
I'm switching vices again
Were giving in to temptations
We want each other
But we always have to have another

Hurt me please hurt me
I strive from pain
Lie to me again
Tell me you love me
After we've told the others
The same thing