"Lord Grant me the serenity to accept the thing I
can't change, courage to change the thing I can and wisdom to know the
difference"
"Lord Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage
to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference" I said in
repetition rocking back and forth.
Jim sat at the edge of the bed in his room holding his
stomach. The sweat pouring down his forehead dripped into his eye. He wiped it
and went back to holding his stomach. Abruptly he got up and ran to the
bathroom. Flipping the toilet seat up Jim began to throw up. It was nothing but
fluids that came out. Slamming the toilet seat down, Jim jumped on it and began
to shit. A knock came at the door and Jim began to throw up.
"Are you ok baby?" Jim's wife Susan asked
"Yes I'm fine just my stomach a bit up..." Jim couldn't finish his
sentence as he started to throw up.
The vomit that erupted out his mouth spewed all over
the wall in front of him. Susan began to turn the door handle and realized it
was locked. She knocked on the door more urgently now, sensing something was
amiss.
"Just go back to bed Susan I'm fine" Jim
managed to muster the words as he was Wiping his mouth from all the vomit.
"Why won't you open the door"
"Susan I said I back to Fucking bed, I'm fine" Jim shouted
Their five month old baby Bridgette began to cry in
her nursery.
"Great now you woke the baby up" Susan said laying her head on the
door.
"Just go get her, I said I'm fine" Jim said in a more somber tone.
He listened as Susan stepped away from the door and,
walked down the hall to the nursery. Jim once again clutched his stomach as the
pain returned forcing him to hunch over on the toilet. He regained his
composure and went to the sink. Looking at his hands that were covered in vomit
and feces shaking almost violently. Looking at himself in the mirror a feeling
of disgust crept up in him. Before Jim knew what came over him, his fist was
punching the bathroom mirror. The shards exploded out the frame and cut open
his hand, as they dropped into the sink and surrounding bathroom floor.
"Fuck" Jim shouted holding his hand.
I angrily began opening the cupboard doors looking for
bandages and alcohol. Once I found them I grabbed some toilet paper to soak up
the blood from the open wounds. The alcohol burned as I poured it over the
cuts. Wrapping my hand up I began to feel the sickness returning.
I slammed the cupboard doors closed with my leg making
a loud thud sound, that seemed to echo through the bathroom. Turning on the
pipe I washed my face and looked at it again in what was left of the mirror. I
felt disgusted with myself and that turned into the aching need to feel normal
again. Two days have I withstood this urge that eats at me too use.
The internal struggle has Now become too much for me
to bear. I opened the bathroom door and looked down the hall. To check if the
coast was clear, I felt like I was in high school again sneaking out my house.
I could hear Susan singing her lullabies. I loved her voice it could always
sooth me in my darkest times. As I crept down the hall, the urge to open the
door and sit with her, almost overwhelmed me. The urge to get my fix though
outweighed my desire to be with my family.
I stumbled in the darkness looking for my keys. I
didn't dare turn on a light and alert Susan to my plans. She would know exactly
where I was going at this time. Finally my fingers stumbled on them and before
I knew it. The keys were fully gripped in my hand and locking our front door. I
started my car up and pulled out our driveway.
It didn't take long before I was on the highway
heading to the south side of town. I had already called Pablo and placed my
order. In my rush I didn't notice the cop car parked in the darkness before the
over head bridge. As I sped past and realized my mistake, I could see him pull
out from his spot and turn on the lights. My nerves rattled as the red white
and blue cop lights singed into my rear view mirror.
Pulling over to the side I punched my steering wheel
and waited for him. As I looked through my side mirrors, watching him get out
his car. A sigh came from my mouth as I tried to pull together my composure. I
chuckled a bit as I watched Jim get closer to my car window. It always seemed
ironic to me that the same colors that represented freedom could at the same
time mean incarnation.
"Good night officer" I said wincing as he
shined his flash light in my eye. "Is there a problem?"
"I clocked you at 80mph in a 65mph zone. Where you headed in such a
hurry?" The officer asked.
"Just heading to see my girlfriend for the night, She's a nurse at Saint
Jude's. I was just trying to get there before her lunch break ended. You know
how that is" I said lying my ass off.
"License and registration"
"My wallet is in my back pocket"
"Keep your left hand on the steering wheel, reach
into your pocket slowly and get the wallet"
All vehicles we have a 10-80
on north parkway all available officers respond
No sooner had I grabbed my wallet, his police radio
interrupted.
“Tonight’s you’re lucky night watch your speed” the
officer said running back to his car
I calmly sat in my car until he pulled off from behind
me and waited for a minute. As I tried to get my thoughts together all I could
think about was going back home. Susan the baby they were there just waiting for
me, but I could not turn back now. I was so close to reaching James and getting
this monkey off my back. Dealing with that cop had really stressed me out I
needed my fix now more than ever. Checking my blind spot for a time that was
clear I gunned my car into traffic back south bound.
It was not more than fifteen minutes before I pulled
into Pablo’s apartment complex. He was a lanky white boy who thought he could
be a gangster someday. Talked as if his parents raised him right but the street
got a hold of him. Pablo always had the best dope and that’s why for years he
was my exclusive dealer. His real name never seemed any of my business and
mines was not his, we kept it pretty formal and straight to business. The prices
of his grams went up and down like the Dow Jones but I usually chalked it up to
the quality. We exchanged our normal formalities and then I was on my way to
the sanctuary.
I parked my car a few blocks away in a strip malls
parking lot. The crown royal’s chicken spot was still open; the usual corner
warriors were there too. Getting out the car the smell of fried chicken and
cheap perfume filled my nose. My car was not fully locked before Gloria calls
my name across the parking lot. She stood with her two lackey’s Shonda and
Monica in front of the liquor store.
Gloria was white with a heavy jersey accent and
petite, she use to be a hot piece of ass back in the day, but the streets had
worn her down good. She still kept her hair nice and blonde; the clothes she
wore always looked clean and new. I knew her pimp back in the day but big Daddy
was doing ten years up top for a stabbing, leaving these girls to roam free and
go unchecked. I’ve had a lot of good nights with all three of them but Gloria
by far was my favorite.
“Hey Jim...
long to no see... are you trying to have
some fun tonight?
“I got a wife and a baby now I can’t”
“The wife never stopped you before”
“Yea Jim you use to wanna have fun” Shonda said
“Yeah Jim” Monica chimed in not missing a beat chewing
the bubble gum in her mouth
“Later”
I pretty much ignored them and continued down the
street I’m sure before the night ended we would all meet up again. That’s how
it was once you got hooked, users usually stick together. Although the cops
never bothered with the Sanctuary, I couldn’t help but he looking over my
shoulder. I kept expecting to bump into someone from one of my programs or just
get busted. The regret and shame stared to seep into my mind so I hurried my
pace into the Sanctuary.
As soon as I pushed open the building doors the smell
of piss and vomit invaded all my senses. The pungent odor overwhelmed my sense
for a moment even more than the semi darkness. After months of sobriety I had
forgotten how awful this place could really smell. The candles people had
burning in various places didn’t offer much comfort to the overall harness of
the bodily fluids. This was what I came for though; this was what I had been
craving for months. No judgment was placed here, I had all the privacy I could
want and need, no responsibility or people that depended on me, and it was my
own personal Sanctuary from the real world.
With anticipation I made my way up the steps, walking
over or around the few sleeping bodies in my path. A slight alarm started to
arise in me though seeing the capacity of people in the stairwell, which
usually meant all rooms were taken. No not today I said in my head pushing on
to the fifth floor. My usual room was down the hall to the left, it gave the
best view of the city in my opinion. Mary and I would move the couch to face
the window and sit watching the skyline before we dosed off. Thinking about my
old doping buddy got me excited again and ready to get in my room.
Outside the door to my favorite room laid two junkies
who were just starting to spark up their crack pipe. The man holding the pipe
looked up for a second and a smile broke across his face.
“I never thought I would see your sorry face in here
again!” Samuel said
“I never thought I would either, but when the monkeys
got you by the balls you just got to follow right?” I said
“Jim this is Kathy my girl” Samuel said
“He must got some good stuff if he got a pretty girl
like you hanging around him” I said
“No he is just all the man I could ever want” Kathy
said leaning in and kissing Samuel
“Well isn’t that cute now if the two of you don’t want
parting I’d like to get past, I got some business of my own to handle.” Jim
said
“Just find another room you don’t wanna go in there”
Samuel said lighting his pipe and taking a big hit
“This is my room and if someone is in there they will
have to share now move aside I’ve been waiting all day to get here”
“Jim you don’t want to go in there jus trust me find
another room”
“Why what’s going on in there I can’t know about”
I looked at Kathy and she turned away from my sight, I
looked at Samuel he took another heavy hit of his pipe and then passed it to
Kathy after a nasty coughing episode. I grew impatient and took a step forward
meaning to grab the door handle and open it. This was my room, my time to get
my fix and I would have been damned if anyone was going to stop me. I’ve seen
enough things happen in this building to write a novel. Nothing and I mean
nothing behind that door could scare or shock me.
Samuel stood up quickly and grabbed my hand as I
pulled back he stood in a defensive stance, by the look in his eyes I knew
something was a miss. Dropping my guard I relaxed and Samuel took the hint. He
put one finger up as to say give him a minute and began another episodes of gut
wrenching coughs.
“Mary is in their Jim’
“Well good I haven’t seen here in months, why would
you stop me is she with a guy?”
“No”
“Well what’s going on your acting crazy man let me
pass”
“She is dead Jim…. I… I didn’t want to have to tell
you”
“Dead…. no way Mary is one of the toughest bitches
this side of the Mississippi she can’t be dead”
“She been dead for two days now Jim, I just haven’t
had the heart to move her or let anyone in to disturb her”
“Please get out of my way, I ... I … I need to see this for myself”
Samuel stepped out of the way of the door and Kathy curled
up into a ball against the wall giving me free entry. My arms felt like lead as
I gripped the door knob, my mind was half way convinced this was some prank and
she would jump out and scare me. I entered the room and it was complete
darkness the blinds were pulled shut. A faint odor stronger then the smell of
crack and feces lingered in the air. It burned my nose hairs a bit, I pulled
out my cell phone was turned on my flashlight. Instantly going to the window
and opening the blinds.
The crescent moon that was out in the sky tonight
perfectly illuminated the almost baron room. Our old couch was still there the
floor was covered in newspaper mixed with trash and a few mattresses were lined
against the walls. That was the funny thing about fiends they could always find
something to sleep on. I turned back toward Samuel who stood in the doorway
with Kathy holding hands and nodded. Without even saying a word he knew what I
meant and closed the door. I was engulfed almost immediately by the darkness.
I made my way to the bathroom door with what little
courage was left inside of me. what waited before me in the bathroom was
something beyond my comprehension at the time. Pushing open the bathroom door
the hot stench of decay and rot encased me. I hurled over and puked a bit from
the sudden and voracity of the smell. Pulling my composure together I shined
the flashlight on the top. The shower curtains were drawn and behind them I
could see the silhouette of a person lying in the tub motionless.
If any moment Mary just humped up and scared the shit
out of me I would have been relieved. In my head though I knew that was not
going to happen and I was one step away from seeing the true nature of the
beast. In my programs they always say some have die for others to live. Which
in this context made no sense to me since if Mary had died while I was clean,
her death would be justified as a lesson for me to stay sober and on the
program? However Mary is dead and I came to relapse so where is this validation
for her death? In a sane world seeing my dead doping buddy would be enough to
turn and sane man clean. The insanity of my disease however does the exact
opposite.
With one fluid movement I pull the shower curtain and
reveal Mary’s cold dead corpse laying in the tub. If I had not known better I
would of thought she was sleeping peacefully. Her skin was paler than usual and
she died with her normal smug grin on her face. She must have died thinking
about a new way to get over on somebody. The orange and yellow sun dress she
was wearing seemed proper for her. Mary was always upbeat and so cheerful even
in the bleakest of situations. Then I
saw her killer it was still hanging from her arm, nestled on her dead bosom as
a child to its mother. The deadly assassin began to trigger me though, it sent
a chill up my spine and right into my right arm.
In the heat of the moment I grabbed the syringe out
her arm and shined my flashlight on it. There was still a whole shot left in
it, I couldn’t believe Mary od’d without
even finishing the shot it had to of been potent stuff. I sat down next to the
tub and pulled my black bag out of my pocket placing it on the floor next to
me. I pulled my lighter out my other pocket and ran the flame over Mary’s
syringe a few times until I smelled her blood burn a bit.
In attempting to keep the remainder of the shot,
I wanted to make sure there was no blood left in the barrel. Then the next
thing was resting the syringe on its side and allowing the blood to settle.
Cracking my black bag open I grabbed out my spoon and then I carefully transferred
the heroin into a clean spoon, leaving the blood in the old syringe. Once
bubbles started forming in the water I could not wait to just then suck it up
into my new syringe.
I kissed the syringe passionately
then leaned over and kissed Mary’s head forehead. It tasted dry and slimy which
made me instantly regret it. I folded up my t-shirt and took the rubber band
out my black bag. Wrapping it around my arm to cut the circulation is where the
thrill began for me. I gently dragged the needle up my arms in search of a new
juicy vein, after all the years of doing this it was now so easy even in this
dimly lit bathroom. The tracks on my arms served as markers for where I’d been
before, tonight I was searching for uncharted territory and I found it.
The first prick sent a jolt up my
spine then once I pushed the blue magic into my veins all the pain went away. I
instantly felt the euphoria I had been craving all these months. The regret,
doubt, my mourning for Mary, my worries about Susan leaving me with the baby,
my job firing me none of it mattered as I began to drift.
“Well Mary it was fun while it
lasted but this cowboy still has a few more rides in him. Ill be seeing you
soon. Keep the lights on for me will ya!” I said as I got up and slowly made my
way to the couch.
I did not have the energy to move
it the way we use too have it. I just instantly dropped on top of it and sank
into the couch. The stains or sour milk smell emanating from it did not bother
me now. I had found my happy place and nothing could make me give it up. In my
mind though, me and Mary sat side by side just like use to do. Tonight the city
was alive for us fireworks crackled above the city. I could see how every pop
and bang made Mary so giddy. Her smile was beautiful even in the night and
tonight it shined brighter than any of those fireworks. After all these years
and it’s still just me and her right her.
The heat from the sun woke me up
out of my slumber. I jumped up and realized I had overslept, my phone alarm
should have woke me up. Looking around the room and back in the bathroom it was
nowhere to be found. The sight of Mary in the morning brought back all the
memories of last night and made me puke again. The smell was even worse now
since I left the door open all night. My black bag was gone from the floor as
well along with my used stash from Pablo. All I had left on me was my car keys
and my wallet which contained no money now.
In a fit of rage I began to just
kick, push, toss and flip anything and everything in the room my hands could
get on. The couch got flipped over the
mattresses were pulled off the wall. I just kicked and crushed as much paper
and bottles as I could muster in my stride. The total destruction of this room
was my goal, and if I find who robbed me lord have mercy on their soul. I’m going
to rip them a whole new asshole and then some, my blood was boiling and I could
not think straight. My new problem was how was I going to get my fix now in
order to handle all of this today. It was too early to call Pablo and im sure
im the only person in the building up right now.
“Hey man what’s going on in here” A
man asked angrily opening the door
“Mind your fucking business” Jim yelled not even paying him
attention
“You can’t talk to me like that” the man exclaimed loudly
“Did you steal my shit; are you the bold thief to come
back? Does this look like a game to you? Give me back my shit or tell me who
got it…. I know you know I know you know… where my shit is” I jumped on the man
and began to punch him in the face with my irate questions and accusations.
“I don’t have anything. I don’t have anything… help me help
me please.” The man cried sniveling in the fetal position on the floor
By the time I realized how mad I actually was people were
pulling me off of the crying bloody man. He laid curled up with his face all
bloody stammering the same sentences as if on repeat. Clearly he was not the
culprit and got something that was not meant for him. For all I know Samuel started
robbing me while I slept left and others followed suit. Shoving the guys of me
and telling them I was cool gave me a second to breath. looking down at the
blood on my hands they got wiped clean into my shirt. I calmly fixed my clothes
and walked out the room making sure I looked everyone in my path in the eye.
This was just
another perfect example of why I tried to kick the habit. Tempers flare then people
get hurt now I have to go find a new fix and replace all my stuff. This was
only day one of my relapse and I was already sick and tired of being sick and
tired. Or so I thought again. As soon as I cranked my car up my first thought
was where I was gonna score again. Then I realized before I did that I had to
go home and get out these bloody clothes. This time though I didn’t have to
worry about the police I was in no rush to get there.
Pulling into my driveway my stomach started to cringe I felt
the afterglow taking hold. The walk into the house seemed to take forever. Our walkway
from the drive port was no more than twenty feet at best. It was probably for
the best that I delayed the inevitable confrontation with Susan. This was going
to just be another time I came home and she blew my high with her bickering and
nagging.
I opened the door and the house was eerily quiet for noon. I
was expecting to hear cartoons on the TV and maybe Susan to be doing some
cleaning. The plan was too just sneak inside and get to the bathroom before she
saw my clothes and asked a million more questions to the ones she already had. Before
I could fully hit the steps she was in my peripheral view sitting in the chair
just looking at me. A feeling I hadn’t felt since my mother caught me sneaking
in the house after curfew crept up inside of me. I then chuckled out loud imagine
me a grown man who owned the house and everything in it feeling like a child.
“Good afternoon Susan where is Bridgette?” I asked as
calmly as I could
“I took her to my mother’s house this morning when I realized
you didn’t come home or go to work. Your back using again aren’t you?” she
asked in a very meek way. The tone of her voice could not mask the pain and
anger inside of her.
“Don’t start this again I stay out one night and you start
with the accusations” I said bluntly, the burn of my unjustified defensive
attitude started to turn inside of me. I knew I was in the wrong but I was not
going to back down and be patronized by a house wife with no degree.
You know most women when their husband is out late
know its another woman, but you nooo… you got those filthy drugs. Look at your
arms they look disgusting. The man I knew use to love his body, he cared about
his appearance. I don’t even know who you are anymore. I fell in love with a
junkie you’re nothing but a dirty junkie. You can’t even fuck me anymore,
when’s the last time you could get it up to touch me. Look at you what have you
done to yourself Jim what have you done….. we use to be happy we just had a
baby for god sakes” Susan cried like I’ve never seen before.
In my state all I could do was lean against the wall
and try to stay awake. The buzz didn’t feel as good anymore. In the few moments
that my head was up and I looked into her eyes I saw the pity and regret she
felt towards me. Bringing his head back up to face that sight was something Jim
could not bring himself to do. In a whirlwind of emotions he just broke down
and cried leaned up against the wall. Desperately inside of me everything
wanted to say you are right but that could not come out. Those words could
never me uttered to her again I swore it to myself and I was going to see it
through.
“I’m leaving Jim and I’m not coming back until you got
helped and can show me you are serious and clean this time. Look at you… you
look pathetic. The man I knew would never be seen dead shedding a tear… your
nothing but a shell of a man now. I hope you and that dope get everything me
and Bridgette could not give you.” Susan got up and walked right past me.
In the grand scheme of things I could have held her, I
could have begged her to stay and tell her how much she and Bridgette meant to
me. My Junkie Pride though got in the way and let the woman of my life walk out
the door. Now I sit in my program every day, drink the coffee and work the
steps. Through the program I found myself a sponsor, who is not a god but a
guide through the steps. Every day I wake up I ask the good Lord to Grant me
the serenity to accept the thing I can't change, courage to change the thing I
can and wisdom to know the difference. Just for today.
