Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Driving with my whoas

Driving through the city with my whoas
They think I'm soft and vulnerable
They under estimate me
I'm a black panther
I'm a lion in the Savannah
I'm Martin before he met corretta
The New Malcolm minus my ex
I'll always be the man in the end

It's over I'm leaving
I stay up late nights
Thinking bout my life
Will i get everything in
Before the woman or liquor
Does me in
I'm fighting lions tigers and bears
Do I go hunting
To put their skins
In front of my fireplace

I'm gone
I've didn't think I was waiting long
I was down to wait more
But I guess the view
From coach sucked
Living on your pedestal
Makes me not wanna look back
No more no more

Spring love

The birds chirp in the air
The flowers are blooming
A new love is budding
One I should of foresaw coming
The opposition's have arrived
Took their seats over my life

Your not ready
Your going to hurt her
Your going to hurt yourself
I'm free now
Willing to take chances
On things that could of been
Ready to play the field

I know old loves can turn cold
You build the fantasy of the person
Only to actually get to know them
Disappointment and resentment follow
Hurtful words are exchanged
Like a sickness from your brain

This pain I speak of
I'll do my best for her not to bear
Third time is always the charm
3 virgins in 9 yrs
Only the Lord knows my fears
Of this epic fail.

My cali sunshine failed
Left me feeling frail
My sexy school teacher bailed
Running off to China with my heart
Now my pre med love
Must know a few techniques
To mend a broken heart

My violin

It comforts me when I'm down.
It's like a friend I've lost so long ago
It feels worried in my hands
Like a new born baby
It's tunes are rough
But they show potential

It's just me the solo fiddler on the roof.
Playing for the masses
That aren't there
Alone in my room
Messing up chords
Wanting to give up
But pushing on

It's just me her and my violin
Soon I'll play her real songs
Soon I'll serenade her in the night
I'll sing songs of my plight
I'll even try to write
These notes look Chinese
I'm so rough and rigid
But got the heart
With practice ill have the skill

Lord come in my fingers
Guide them with your will
Let me play a sweet song
For there ears
Allow me to be what
I could of been
Before the drugs and alcohol
Give me the gift of Joshua
Our allow me to be like David
You knew I'm in the lions den

Smoking challenge part 3

Ok so I've tried this twice on this blog already.with me this time is always the charm. This time I'm not alone though.I've convinced a couple of my friends to join me.I love the power of persuasion. I feel so weak right now.I am craving one so bad but I've been down this road.

It's more mental then it is physical.this struggle to quit.is a task best not done on your own. There had been so much hardship for me lately.it seems like an illogical thing to do.but if it was easy it wouldn't be a challenge. This time the importance of my success is something I can't take lightly.

I'm doing it to better things in my life.I need to put away the childish things if my past.I have job opportunities that I can't let pass me up. I want to start building my future.

I even have a new girl in my life.I'm hoping she can bear the withdrawal anger.I'm hoping this obstacle will make me a stronger man for her. I'm hoping this sacrifice will make me an even better me.over the past few months I have just been grooming myself.preparing myself for a better life.

A life where I don't have to change shirts to hide the fact I smoke.a life where my girl is ok kissing me. A life where my little brother can look up at me and be proud.a life where I know I've accomplished another thing in my life.

so today guys don't say I hadn't forewarned you.this next two to three weeks.well bring out some dark poems stories and thoughts from me.I'll do my best to keep in mind the kids that do come here.if any but I won't restrict my creativity or hinder the quality of work that I do give you guys.

Funny times

Our love is dying
Your mind is made up
My heart is open
How funny the coincidences
She was waiting
For you to get out the picture
He was waiting for me to mess up

Now we got others
To fill the gap
Where do we stand
You can't be my friend
It breaks my heart
I can be happy for you
You can't be for me

Should I stand and wait
Looking like a sad puppy
On a leash
Or should I enjoy her warm embrace
Why can't I have my cake
Why can't I be with her
And Stay in the loop with you

Why must you turn so cold
To my loving hand
Don't sleep in my bed
Don't kiss me in the morning
But Skype me in the months
Ask if I found real love
While I ask about your mandarin

I've started practicing my violin
Just to play with you
Now no fun duets
Only sad solo songs
That I'll play for her
Your practicing with them
I'm working on me with her
Turn my love down
But never my hand

Reconsider you harsh words
Think over your stone cold
The good must out weigh the bad
All the fun times we had
Our conversations must of been good
Do all good things have to come to an end
The power is in your hand
Will you push me to the side
Like a red headed step child
Or will you agree to work with me
As I grow with her
Trying to not make the same
Mistakes I made with you

Same race

Her skin is the color of night
We disappear when the lights go out
She isn't my usual
Which makes her exotic
She is pure and untouched
She is of my kind
But far from my kind

Her thoughts swirl in my mind
Her smell lifts my soul
She takes away the pain
Fills my brain with love
She makes me feel sane

For to long I've been alone
Which I needed to grow
Now I need a good friend
More then I need company
In a world of heartbreak
Foreign lovers and fuck buddies

I stand tall
Better then before
I'm no longer alone
I gave up that fear
For the love of your stare
Now you've turned your back on me
She will pick up the pieces

New things

I'm a new me
I'm growing closer with Jesus
She wants to grow to
Her faith is so strong
While mines is reborn

Mistakes were made in my past
Her futures so bright
While mines glows like the sun
Will this be just for fun
Or a rebound
Headed to disaster
Can this last past a few years
Or will it end in tears
Further fears of commitment

I've learned from my mistakes
I'm ready to make this work
I'm ready to settle down
REady to give my love
Have it returned fully to me
Just wait and you'll see
She will love me
Like I've loved you

New virgins

She released me from her spell
Now I found a replacement
Starting over from square one
She is in my bed
just to feel my chest on her head
She says she been waiting for this forever
Now we're here together
She don't want to leave the bed

Kitty Kat I cherished yours
Now I'll cherish hers
She reminds me of you before
We ate the forbidden fruit
She just wants to giggle and talk
We stare into each other eyes
Until the sun rises
Then act like we missed each other
In our sleep

The mistakes I made with you
I won't make with her
She will have to pick up the pieces
Fill the void
Within my heart
She says she just wants to please me
Put a smile on my face
Any way she can

Is this to soon
This time I won't
Put all my eggs in one basket
Well take it slow
I'll start from her honey pot
Then work my way up to her lips
She is so wet just for me
The guilt could kill a man
She is her and I am me
But when she kisses me
She reminds me of you

She has so much energy
So much life
Chasing her master's
While I don't even have
My bachelor's
What does she see in me
Why would she want me so bad
She says she knows I'm hurt
But she is willing to make it work
Time heals all
She whispers in my ear
When I play drake to sleep

Kissing her takes all the pain away
The guilt still there
But we've left the earth
We're sitting on the clouds
Holding each other
Dreading that we'll have to come down

Forgive me for wanting
To move on
To not want to be creepy
My friendship still stands
But you can't be in my bed
Your in my head and prays
But once I say amen
That's where you stay

Monday, March 30, 2015

Color blind

We're both looking for something
The grass looks greener
On the other side
We just don't realize
We're color blind
Running from shadows
Opinions and past heartbreaks
Just people going through life
Having bad days and
Bouncing back

You knew I could be something
Now look what you've done
Say it I ain't scared
I've hurt you
You run home
I call you
You don't pick up
I say I love you
Your minds made up
My heart is to

Crossroads that meet at a precipice
Star crossed lovers
The good always outweighed the bad
Minus the kid we could of had
Some days are grey areas
Or are they red zones
Flying cross the county
Must mean something
Color blind to even those facts

Watch words get misconstrued
Watch closure never come
1 years 2 years 3 years 4
Let it build up
Until we're ready to explode
I'll be waiting some more
exploring my creativity
While you get your practice in
All those others are just that
Compared to me

Quotes


Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. 

" Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

You are the only air I am breathing. You are ticking in my heart like a little clock. Yes, you wake me up every day when I fall asleep dreaming of the days when I was alone.

You beautiful woman of my life, you took it all from me. I took it all from you. So today we can blackmail each other.

Just when I think that I could not be any happier, I see you and that all changes once again.

Just to see your face brightens even my darkest days. Your light shines on all that I do.

I never thought I’d want to settle down, but you changed everything. I’m a better man with you in my life.I’m flying high because your love gives me wings. Let me build you a palace in the clouds.I promise to always treat you like a queen. You reign over my heart, and your wish is my command.There is no other woman in the world like you. I am the luckiest man alive to call you mine.





Sunday, March 29, 2015

Random thoughts

When a woman loves a man she sees things in him that he doesn't see in himself. Those special women can build a man into a prolific icon. It's not that the men were weak or not capable before.it's seems to me that the desire or focus was off.

A man can want to do great things yet if his support teams lack they will hinder him. If his confidence isn't high enough.society and the obstacles he faces can also hinder his progression.which is where a woman comes in.

With the right touch smell or look.a woman can get a man to move a mountain for her.with that said that power can be also used for the wrong reasons. A woman can bring a strong man down. This relationship of success and failure is always a very tricky road to take.

From when I was younger.my mother would always tell me.a good woman is hard to find and behind every great man is a great woman. Now it seems to me pickings are getting slimmer.

Over the past year I've kept myself away from the temptations of women around me.yet now I find even more resentment to them.it's not fair to set your heart on another to just have it rejected.it's ludicrous to me to find dedication and devotion just squandered away.

I was raised to believe no one is perfect.that people no matter how much they over look the blue prints will make mistakes.yet as I get older I find ppl have less tolerance for mistakes.they act like they are perfect and mistakes are made by the uneducated and dim witted.

It's from these things that I've found the world to be a complicated place. I was once told by the love of my life.love isn't a fairy tale it's something you have to work on. Now are leaving her and taking her advice.

I set out on a path to find myself and ensure the hardship of the world.if not to make me mature at least to widen my understanding of adulthood and love.maybe my thoughts and findings on love were a bit misconstrued.

Now after months of soul searching and demon fighting (fighting my vices). I came to a point where I could look myself in the mirror with confidence.I didn't need a woman in my bed to feel good about myself. I was happy with me. Yet I found something still lacking in my life.

My life with Christ had not only grown exponentially but he propelled me further in a few months then I thought possible.yet I find myself praying at night not only got myself but for my significant other.who I believed knew I needed this journey and who was going to be supportive.

Yet alas that's not what happened.I find myself standing at a new precipice of life. I find myself more hurt now then before.I will say this I won't question God though.for me brought me this far against all odds.I would be an even bigger fool to believe he would forsake me at a time like this.at a time when everything I've have prayed for over the past few months.has began to dissolve in my face.

No I won't let go of him.I won't stop praying. This is the time when I need to attend stronger then before.this is the tune when my faith needs to be at its most prime state.my love is mad but our hearts can be mended.I've out my faith in the Lord over these few months.and I can attest to what he can do for you if you give him the glory.

Even though my heart she's abd I feel like giving up.he whispers to me this isn't the end my son. I believe him to so on I will push myself.to continue to be that iconic man that my significant other told me I could be.weather she will support me or abandon me for a new smiling face.I'll be here with my faith and my prayers.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

To much drake

Albums are being played
I really can't stay here no more
I wanna leave and be gone
But I'm tired of running
I've been facing my issues
Dancing with the bulls horns
I was wrong I came back
For your smile
I came back for our conversations
I came back to look into your eyes
One more
If only I knew what it would cost
I'm back on upper and downers
Liquor and hallucinogens
One prayer away from
Dying like Jimmy Hendrix
While Thoughts of gold are
Floating through my head
As I float away from the pain
The ideas of love and peace
I came for my wife
But would of accepted a friend
Once again
Hank Moody leaves empty handed
I was too vulnerable
I was too open
I just wanted to make things right
Have a moment of clarity
No rushed sessions
A time that was for me
With an open mind and heart
I'm usually suicidal
When I go through it
Depression deeper than the Amazon
A rope in my lap and knife in my hand
Carving my will in a tree branch
Now those are childish selfish thoughts
I can stand on my own
I can sleep in the bed I made
Now I'm sitting in a dark room
Singing loves songs to myself
Crying and shouting
You said you would be my everything
Are you really gonna leave
Before you come thru
Babe come thru
Don't leave a nigga on that note
Come thru
Son get your ass in that car
Come thru
Our friendship was everything to me
Now when I need to talk
your no where around
You could call me anytime
I got something
On my tongue already to make you smile
I've never been hard to talk to
I've always wanted you to explore
But now we can't share
This chapter of our lives
With each other
Why can't you have him
I have myself
And you be ok skyping me
Just to say hey
Bringing a smile to my face
While I pause this drake
I'm asking the sky where have you been?
Who's bed have you been crying in?
Who are you flying to?
Come thru why had it been so long

Hive minds

Laura and Gavon laid kissing on top of their blanket.  The moon and the stars lit up the night. It was a warm July fourth night in New Mexico.The sounds of fire works blasted off in the distance. They looked each other in the eye.paused for a moment to take it in.then kissed passionately while they caressed each other.

Gavon was 5'10 and stocky.his black skin almost camouflaged him in the night.The small camp fire they had going shined off of Laura's white skin. she touched Gavon's face caressing it as she looked into his dark brown eyes. having him with her now made laura feel weak inside. she loved Gavon with all her heart. it had been four years since they met. the shade tree they laid under was the spot where they had their first kiss.

Laura loved how Gavon tried to find ways to be romantic. he had his faults but every time he looked into her eyes. Laura know he loved her with all his heart. Gavon was a manager at best buy and Laura taught at the local school. they didnt have much but they made it work. that was another reason Laura loved him. Gavon could make the best of a bad situation. over the years they had their ups and downs but fought through it. 

Now Laura was ready for the next step she wanted to spend her life with Gavon. maybe have some kids in the next couple years. build a family and build their life together. she knew their must of been a special reason he brought her here tonight. over the past couple of weeks Gavon had been acting real funny. not in a cheating suspicious way but in a your planning something big type of way. Laura knew her man and knew when the wheels were turning in his head.


Gavon sat up and took Laura's hand into his. she sat up to met his eyes. Gavon looked into Laura's Beautiful green eyes and paused for a minute. he stood up and held his hand out for her to take it. laura took his hand and gavon guided her to the edge of the cliff that over looked their small town. 

"Laura you know i've loved you since the first day i saw you. he have broken up and gotten back together. we have laughed and we have cried together. through all that has happened over the last four years. their is no other woman. i would of rather go through it with. you
 make me happy and i love to wake up to you every morning for the rest of my life" Gavon said getting down on one knee.

Gavon pulled a small box out his pocket. Laura's eye lit up with joy she was at a lost of words. then suddenly something in the sky caught her eye. the excitement that was once on her face turned into fear. she thought it was just a meteor falling but then the size and speed of it wasnt right. a meteor would of broke up mostly in the atmosphere already.
"whats wrong"gavon asked looking up

Laura was in such fear she could only point. some thing was falling from the sky and headed straight towards them, it was streaking fire from falling through the atmosphere. it looked like a space ship from the size of it. Gavon grabbed laura and tucked the small box back in his pocket. they ran to the car half way to it the  thing crashed about a quarter mile away from them. gavon threw Laura on the floor and hoped on top of her. just in time for the impact which burst out the windows of their car.

they rolled over knocking glass shardes off of them. Gavon looked at Laura and checked her for any harm. she was shaken up but fine other wise.he stood up and put his hand out once more for her. Laura took it and stood to her feet. gavon began to walk toward the wreck. Laura pulled him back with a look of fear in her eyes. the booms are fireworks lit up the sky and echoed above them. Gavon turned to laura.
"we have to go see if anyone is hurt. that could be a trapped or injured pilot."
"that was not a normal ship dear. its something else. lets just go get help. if something is worng with someone neither of us are doctors. what could we do?"
"we can do something dear. it never hurts to go check and then get help. lets just identify exactly what we need help with first."

Gavon continued to turn around and laura followed him. they passed their wrecked ford focus. noticing some dents in the passenger side frame. Laura could only cover her mouth as she looked at her dented up car. they walked on toward the crash site and edged to the gaping hole in the earth now. the ship was about 20 feet down into the massive hole. the small craft was about 10 feet wide and 8 ft across. it looked to gavon like a big shiny refrigerator that fell off a plane.



Rise above

She wanted to see me cry
She wanted to see the hurt
She gets me so turned on
When she is so cold

She thinks of my as a hobo
If she only knew
She saved my life
In more ways then one

From saying fuck work
To showing up half an hour early
From running the streets
Till the street lights come on
To being home reading and writing

She built me up to break me down
She inspired a level of confidence
That was long forgotten
Then she doesn't even check it's progress
She is a Christian
They never believe ppl can change or grow
Even though Saul turned to Paul

She wants to see my tears
But I'm too strong now
I'll cry on the inside
and
smile on the outside
I've come to far too let
truths and opinions
Tear me down

I came back to prove a rebirth
She wouldn't accept a birth
The concept was to far fetched
Like Jonas didn't sit in the whale
Praying for his disobedience

She knows she hurts me
I know I hurt her
I've waited so long to right my wrong
Now the chance never comes
But that won't detour my goals
Her gift of change
Can be wasted after I've tended it to
Waiting for this plant to flourish
Waiting for my cup to runneth over
Praying so often my knees hurt

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

How

How can she not want to talk?
If not even about us about life?
How could you not
Want my friendship
Lust and love
Are separate in life
Friendship last a life time
While lovers die in the morning

My kitty Kat
My love my dear
Turn my love away
But never refuse my hand
I'll always love you for that

I've been a lover and
I've been a friend
I've cherished one way more
then i should
Sins of the past
Are sand in the wind of time
We've done no crime

Old lover of mine
Find it in your heart
To bring a spark to mine
Don't diminish the flame
Of our friendship

Closure

We've walked away once again
Hank Moody says goodbye once again
Things were said
Thoughts were shared
Life always has a funny way of working
We're growing and exploring
More stories to share
My dear you gave up hope
But this friendship can't be killed

This inspiration grows and grows
And my potential beyond the know
Watch and wait my love
I'll continue to wait in a new way
Waiting to hear these tales
of erotica and adventure

Don't forget us in the night time
Pray one time about us in the day
Leave me as a second whim
But know of them all
You will see me again my love

Stone face

She was never more serious
She held my Heart in suspense
She would never knew how deep my love went
She will never know my desires
I have loved her and lost her
I wanted a friend
I wanted a new beginning
I just wanted to be happy
She sat stone faced
With her mind made up
It should of hurt
But it made me stronger
I thought it would tear me apart
But it has mended a wound
I thought my thoughts were right
I thought wrong
Away to China without even a word
My Phoenix flies never too return

Time

Time is irrelevant
Time is everything
Over time all your problems
Will be solved
Over time I've lost a friend
Over time I've lost my love
Over time my heart grows cold
Over time all I wanted was a friendship to grow

Friday, March 6, 2015

Trust issues

What these girls want from me
Attention, my d ,my love
My ambition and devotion
If I was only half the man
Everyone thinks I am
I'm laughing at girls
Who want her spot
They soon laugh at me
Sitting lonely like Oscar the grouch
Zoning into the Cosmo's
On a mixture of uppers and downers
Trying to find the right combination
To release this hold
Or at least make sleep eternal
Be an immortal on earth
or a tree in dantes inferno
Lose lose situations
Of the human species

They never stop texting
All hours of the day and night
Wondering why I never respond
Wanting the response immediately
But when I'm down
There isn't even a hand out
there is only hindsight comments
Like they saw it coming
The ending of an empire
turns into the heartbreak of another
On a whisper from the mob

The eventual cycle
Of love and love lost
In a sea of have and have nots
Wants and needs
From a simple heart
That bleeds and pleads
For attention for care
A fare share of the pie
Looking left and looking right

People search all their life
For a person they deem right
To give all their love
A tribute of the heart
The pickings are slim
The issues are greater
The trust comes harder
That leap of faith
Can take your breath away

Unloading

Releasing my soul
Through this pen
Onto this paper
Is it enough to force a smile
Nope
It's just a way to unload
The aches of my soul
An illogical way to mend a broken heart
No doctor knot can close it
No lump sum can't fix it
It's close enough to a handicap
But far from as severe
Life goes on and on
Soon I'll go crazy like pac
Walking around like a caged animal
Watching everyone watching me
I see the words
But can't hear the beat
Broken like a toy after Christmas
Put into the tub
never too be seen again
Desperation isn't sexy
Depression is even more toxic
Self loathing gets you no where
So unloading on this page
Seems the only out

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

I don't deserve her

I'm still a woof woof
I'm in a state of emergency.
I'm in heat
I got needs baby
I got a girl worth proposing to
But we on some different shit
She a virgin and I'm a whore
We argue about dumb shit
Like if she give me it
Will I cherish it
She know about my others
Girls coming from Tennessee
Just to see me
Models flying from ny to chill
I stay up late nights
Thinking bout my life
Thinking bout my wife

I've been going so hard
For the past year
Yet they think I'm soft
Had my mind lost
Dreaming bought being a boss
I can't afford to take the loss
I'm winning at any cost
Putting my hand it the window
Feeling the force

She is just a little too perfect
She is just so worth it
Mistakes were made
Like a rogue deck
I've made the wrong plays
For to long I've been a slave
No time for me to cave
In the endless cycle of love
It's time to get right
Give my heart to a woman
That deserves it
One that will cherish it

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Driving

Behind the wheel
I can transport myself anywhere I please
Behind the wheel
Is the one place I feel at ease
Watching the world past me by
While I'm gently doing 65
I feel at peace in my ride
Behind the wheel
All my problems are solved
Long drives with me and the Lord
Behind the wheel
I'm never alone

Waiting in vain

365 days 12 months equals one year
Patience and discipline
Were lessons that need to be learned
What was once an agreement
turns into a solo mission
A goddess who feels inadequate
Over looks her stature
She is more then enough for me
The sycamore tree that once shaded me
Now seems like a lonely cabin
The goddess was fighting her demons
While her knight waited for the victory
Thrown through the cosmos
The goddess lost her way back
The knight still sits and waits
Praying it's not in vain
Hoping the goddess finds her way back
Awakening the burning love in his heart
Allowing them to once again
Ride through the world with no fear

Burning bridges

Walking through life with a gasoline
Loving and living
Hurting and learning
Best friends turn to enemies
This world mocks good deeds
I'm falling through life
Looking for an out
my hearts to big for this world
My honesty is greeted by deceit
My love meets with betrayal
Just another day in this world
A love filled man in a love less world
Just another day in the life
We're liquor and weed can't fill the void
My heart feels destroyed