Dependability

From the shadows I arise
You spoke your heart
I spoke my mind
I'm on my grind
Your fighting demons
Will you be
Where you said you would
When the year ends
Or will I be standing
At the alter looking dumb
Can I trust you to stand firm
Will you believe I've never been touched
Will you treat me like a person
Show me your face
Speak out your mind
Or will I get a letter in Gmail
Telling me I failed
Too Pick another sail
You bailed ship and swam to shore
As serious as I
Took it and waited
It wasn't enough
You desired more
To catch a date
To give me a last chance
I'll believe you will be different
I believe you will be better
You will do what you say
Said what you did

I'll see your face in September
Till that time my heart is yours
My patience and restraint
Grows stronger and more firm
My faith secure and solid
The mustard seed turned into a mountain
The boy grows hair
As he turns to a man
Doesn't bite his nails
Brushes his hair
Sees the world a little more clear
Planning ahead instead of
Accepting the next bend
Coffers full on Friday and
still there by Sunday
Filling my stomach
Instead of doping my mind
Caring about myself
Instead of friends
Not being selfish but not
Of the world just
In the world

Whispers

Little taunts in my ears
The devil teases me
With pleasures I can bear
Plays tricks with my mind
You can do it just one time
I'll do everything but bite it
Scratch the itches you can't touch
Scrub the spots you can't reach
Touch all the places
You need to be pleased

Come home with me
Come home with me
I wouldn't dare
It sounds good
But I really don't care
This is a mission I can't fail
A lose I can't bear
A challenge I'll accomplish
A feat that not to deep

A girl worth waiting for
Stands at the finish line
A lifetime of pleasure
Stands over a night of fetishes
A morning full of despair
A reflection in the mirror
I can't look back at
To me she is worth
her weight in gold
Thats a truth I'll hold

Him ain't we

I got his looks
I got his ego
I got his temper
I got his blood in me
Only difference is
I got the drugs in me
My daddy loved me
I'm not perfect
You can't just change
A lifestyle over night
I'm fighting my demons
Like Tyson in Vegas
Can God save this
Poor soul before
It gets to old
Before the devil
Fully takes hold
My Destiny unfolds
My life takes a toll
My soul can't be sold
My mind can be a mold
It's never too late
for him to take hold

Credibility

I've never lied since our eyes met
After so long will you believe
I've never let another
Touch my lips
Will you believe you were my last
Will you believe my words
As you did once too

How will I stand in your eyes now
Will you see my hunger for your hands
Time has past but your still in my heart
Can you hold me accountable
Like I hold you
Can trust be stronger then distance or time
Will the advice from the shadows of the world
Cover our eyes to the truth before then
Can we trust our hearts and minds
To guide
Do you know you got good insurance on me
Paid it when you packed a bag and flew to me

Have you ever trusted my words
Was there ever a reason to doubt me
I know you were tired of the dramatics
I'm a thespian can we make it work
Turn into pure lovers
Trusting each other with
Darker fantasy's and realities

Funeral

I'll float away into a gritty city
My sins were more then shitty
Ive had a few abortions
I sit and drink alone
Trapped with my own mind
Trying to get a piece of mind
Scratching for another bit of time
I'm getting hotter but I still feel cold
Pause one sec
Trade minds with me
God took seven days to make the world
But nine months to make you
Kitty your beautiful know it's true
I'm trapped in a giant matrix
It's a sticky web of lies
I tell  myself
To make sure reality
Doesn't Sep through
I drank tequila with c boy swagger
Told him a joke that he'll never remember
I'm so deep in this world now
Lifes like a females orgasm
I'm never really sure if it's really there
If Matt linart faking
Or is Chris really making it

The old lady swallowed a cow and die
I sadly know why she swallowed a cow
Running the same race as me
Trying to fix every problem
Life throws at you
When we should just be happy
To be alive with a funny story
This was suppose to be my year
I kicked some habits
Got kicked by love one's
Learned life lessons
And saw a dream come true
Why should I feel blue
Question what's true
Go to sleep alone feeling
Like I'm through
Wear a disguise
When I'm handsome as fuck

A goal reached

From the time I started this blog.I had one goal in mind.which was to publish my first book.yesterday marked the first day of that dream turning into a reality. My book came in the mail.I can't explain my level of happiness.finally after all these years I've become a published author.

The road isn't over now though.honestly it has just begun.this is the beginning of a whole new journey for me.a new step into my future. Although there are still a few technicalities it's all a learning process. I'm ready to take on this journey and publish another one.

I want to grow more patient with my writing.grow a deeper connection with the characters. Learn how to fix and spot more of my grammatical errors. Just making myself a better author in general. Not just for myself but to also give my fans better quality material.

I can't take all the credit.without God's guidance and patience with me. None of this would of ever come true. I am nothing without him and everything with him. I hope guys that you continue to support me and give me your feed back.

Truth

I thought I had the world
On my shoulders
I had the world on top of me
Lord forever
I got the alcohol in me
I'm in love with drink and women
I'm having a heart attack
Add long as we got each other
You could blow anything
Please Lord forgive me
I've made it so far
Can I not make a toast
I'm living good
But it don't make dollars
So it don't make cents

A million heirs

I could have a million heirs
By a million different tales
I could choose any race in any place
Your pale face is filled with grace
I'm Filled with insecurities
Driven with passion and rage
Mistakes where made
You are the ten percent
That I treated like the ninety
You are the morning dew
That blooms my flowers
Gives fuel to my love
The spore that broke the bold
Can we not love once more
Understand the other
Break the codes and release our souls
Make amends to the last year
I've only ever needed to be told
With swift actions I can mold
Transform into a force once known
By the bold and lovers of old
Take hold of my hand
Let go of your fear
I'll grasp my control
Stand strong like
A bouncers hold
Wielding a heart of pure gold
Quiz you on random bible trivia
While you cook us a meal
Who wants another
When I've found you
Why continue to search the trees
When God has prepared a feast
No more hunger or thirst
I understand it now with
Monogamy and lives to be

You could have a million guys
Give them all a million tries
Yet you choose me
No need to speak of
what we did in the past
These are lessons in equality
Your wise ways and commitment
Should of been listened to
It took some time but you knew
I would still be right here
Sitting under the sycamore tree
Learning patience and discipline
Savings and maturity
The difference between the
Ninety and the ten out of a hundred
That special one to the million
The right family to the modern day

Stormy nights

Let's cuddle up
Share each other's heat
Be one with me
Share the sun with me
Share the fun with me
Hold me closer and never let me go
When the chocolate factory plays
Pull me in deeper into your womb
Show me you want me there
Grind your hips make it clear
I've missed your touch dear
I've been longing to much
The wind blows and thunder crackles
My shirt comes of your bra is gone
We know how This intimate story goes
You cum first then I come after
Why do you get so wet for me
Do every regret you slept with me
Waking up the next morning
In my warm embrace
The morning breath has no effect
As we smile to start the day
Roll over on your side
In that baby making way
These stormy nights make me feel a way
The colder it gets the  hotter it gets
Sheets filled with passion
In a dark room with only
the moon for light
Where we both know
where staying the night

Ambivalence

Love hate is to straight
Marry me not yet
Seems the right fate
Following our hearts but obeying the law
My pumpatron baby in the muzak dust
I hear your wisdom in the wind
I see your face in the starry night
I've missed loved like
Words out of a morbats tongue
Mixed feelings swirl in lines
I wanna be with you
During every crazy step we gotta take
I'm good without you
Can you understand my ambivalence
Let me not sugar coat this
It's no fantasy and no game
This is real life
Once we jump the broom
It's till death do us part
Can you wake up to my dark face
I can move your hair out the way
Every time the sun rises
You hate that cloud over your head
I hate that I brought fears to reality
So I say we're equal
Neither wants to hear of short comings
Too close to start over but close enough
To make a pact like rebels
My heart is yours
Yours is mines
Tell me when we kiss you don't feel the spark
Tell me that you don't hate fornication
Tell me you don't love passion filled nights
We love it we hate it
We cant stop holding hands
Capture our ambivalence to each other
Bottle it up and spray it like champagne
Look me in the eye and tell me your heart
Speak your mind and never hide
I'll open up and tell you when I need you
Continue to tell you your perfect
In my eyes

Vices

My vices are kicking my ass
Yet I haven't hit the floor
I'm still fighting like holyfield
Yeah I'm missing an ear
But this fight is mines to win
Kissed Mary J Goodbye
Got the liquor under control
Hate to not see hose as often
My livers thank me though
These cancer sticks got me
By the throat and won't let go
Stacking money but still it's never enough
Am I just to greedy
Should I settle for eating when I want
No longer waiting for my next paycheck
When it rains I can get dominoes
No more ramen from the deep parts of the pantry
I had a dream snowflakes
Fall on my expired debit card
I was in a spaceship
Wearing a suit to cash my paycheck
I'm feeling like half man half amazing
Like hot sauce in the rucker
Other days like Samuel Jackson
Stealing his mother's tv
No blow in my system
Just a dying need to blow it all though

My vices are kicking my ass
I haven't hit the floor
I just bounced off the ropes
Trying to make a come back
In round six like Douglas buster

Live for one night and regret it
When I wake up
I'm happier now with a couple pennies saved
Don't missed blacked out nights
Random phone calls filled with emotions
Vomit covering my clothes
Text messages I don't remember sending
Giving no fucks when I go nuts
Walking up from a coma
Thanking God I didn't overdose on the sofa
Now I'm high off life
Laughing is rare but
The comedy is higher quality
My smile is genuine
My mind tighter then a boa constrictor
I got goals that I could meet
With a cup that will quench my thirst forever
I whole new outlook on life
A dream of a house and wife
A few kids and stories to
Share with my son
Let him know the vices can only
Hit you but can never knock you out

My devotion

It strings from restraint
It spawns from a hurt
I've felt once before
To touch another and see that look
That's a hit my heart can't take
She deserve a pure me
She offers her self to me
I offer my love and dedication
I've been used more then once
Stepped on like corner hard
She is pure and saved her purity for me
How could I disappoint by being unclean
My past is just my past
The future and present are to be judged
I'm holding on better then they think
I'm gay in my actions and words
I'm caving for her curves
One touch of her tongue I'll explode
Milk for my milk maiden
She catches every drop and pulls for more
My kitty Kat drinking from her bowl
My devotion comes with many other d's
Dedication for us
deserving of us
decent for you
disrupted for a little bit
deceived I've to many times
degree I'll need it
demand and you get
deemed righteous in his name
denied your love for to long
debuted before the world
devoted to you and only you
devour you some night soon licking you from head to toe I want that taste I entree that smell I want you moaning my name as I drill your hole
I'm devoted to you and my Lord
I've set a date and I'll see you then

The mailbox

I placed a piece of my heart
In the mail today
The last token of her I had
Now only pictures and memories stay
My legs felt like stone
My mind blew with the wind
But my heart would not
Allow me to be petty
I said prayers to shield me from the wind
He answered and she received the word
Sending me a warm hoodie
For these cold ny streets
Yet my prayer would take
Away my one piece left with her
Answered prayers come with a cost
Maybe she didn't need it
Maybe she wanted it away from her sight
No need to think of a heart
that is out of sight
Why continue our great plight
I would gladly bear the cold
To keep my heart with her
Now the mail has our love in boxes
How taboo for us two
How irrelevant to you
This devotion is real
I've prayed again
What will the cost be this time

Shallow pond

Take a drink and you will never thirst again
I'm hesitant
Sounds to good to be true
But God that's a shallow pond
I can't even drown in it
How is it gonna quench my thirst
He gave me one request
I have me the questions
They tell me back in the day
You would of got ten lashes
With a bastardo for questioning master
I strayed from religion
Tried to believe it was filled with
Gypsies and con men
Now I'm standing in a shallow pond
With a cup in my hand
Ready to drink and never drink again

More rest then sex

I need to slow down
I'm moving to fast
I need more rest less sex
These girl confuse and abuse
Flooding my heart
With emotions
Like the reservoir erupted
My conscience so weak
I need a week to cut it up
Into seven parts
Called it seven pounds
It's blacker then your forest
I'll be your white knight
You be my black knight
Let's trade words like they trade swords
I'll come rescue you from within
That black forest you call your heart
You could open mines up
Operate on it like a doctor
Nothing can die if you
Shock it enough
Keep me on my toes
Like I told you before
Boredom can chase us to the edge of the earth
We could trick it and push him off it
Laugh as we make love
Under the blood moon
Praying that the Lord comes soon

All this might sound dumb to you
Read between the lines
Like its fine print
My soul burns my mind yearns
For understanding
Finally he loves me
He carries me over the coals
Supports me in my goals
Tells me be patient with girls
They're made of everything nice
Like sugar and spice
You once cooked me white rice
Beef with broccoli
Cause you loved me
I teased you just to see your smile
You forgot the salt.
I'll ride with you back again
Two or three time
till we get
This recipe right

A pimp named Frank

I meet the weirdest people during my travels. It always surprises me how they come into my life. It's like God sends them but on the other hand it's so random. I don't believe in coincidences so the most high must work them into my path. I don't remember how or what we started talking about. Mostly he just started telling me about running whore houses and life. It would be important to say during this time.the only thing I could think about is the saying opposites attract.he met his wife while he was still running the street. She loved Christ and he never considered church. I also want to say this is another perfect example of life and marriage not being a fairy tale. He loved her but had to make choices.give up his life of sex, money and other sins I don't want to mention. Or lose her to another man or worse lose himself in an already dwindling lifestyle. Now this would be the point where I would love to say that he became a pastor. It's not he was Frank. He gave it all up for what his heart told him. He accepted Christ along with the struggle.that struggle being accepting his new life. Which came with ups and downs but the love persevered. I've always been told the right woman can change your world.I've never believed it until it happened to me.I wasn't on an extreme like Frank but I was deep enough in the world.

Frank also told me about the struggles of marriage.it seems funny taking advice from a pimp.yet at the same time not really since he's had more life experience then me. Also a longer marriage then most. On that I have to speak on his dedication.or at least the dedication every person should have to the ones they love. In over twenty years of marriage they spilt once.and I quote "I left my wife once and I'll never do it again!". Words that stuck with me. I come to see now that distance grows the heart fonder. With time you will see all the rights and wrongs you are making in life with just a little distance. Some times it can be UN healthy but other times.it's just what you need. Don't turn a time apart into a time to indulge yourself in your vices.rather find a way to build on your heart and where you and your life can go.if a pimp named Frank can do it so could you.love yourself and love the one your with cause that person might just get up and split.

Thinking of you

It's been a while since I've had time to ponder about you.
I thought we would be married at 50
Watching our mantle
Full of trophies
From our dedication
To taking the kids to little league

Fuck the bullshit we in love
Our daughter got your eyes
She has my smile
Our son wants to read all day
He thinks girls are icky
Our car seats are sticky
From family road trips
They're in the back arguing
About who touched who first

They listen to us at night make love
Make faces at the breakfast table
When we kiss and say we love each other
Our daughter dreams of a man
That loves her like I do you
I hate to end this story
So I'm gonna go back to our first kiss

You only want the best for me
So I should listen to you
Im a mess but only God
Can clean me up
Let's hold hands while we walk into church
Let's volunteer at vacation bible school
Give my kids the upbringing I had
Only they get to have a dad
They will know all the bible stories
We both know and songs we both share

I got have a million kitty Kats
But I would always choose the original
Mimics can only imitate and flatter
Looking into your eyes
Makes my heart flutter
My words stutter
My legs can't take the weight
How could a copy ever
Make me feel this deep

A new start

Ok guys do being in the verge of publishing I want to step this blog up. starting tomorrow I will either post a thousand words on my thoughts for the day or I will give two poems.
I believe that not only have I been slacking on this blog. I have also been doing my fans a great injustice. So to better myself and give my fans what they deserve I will do more.

Lava making

I'm so hot lava
Gets heat from me
I'm popping like a kernel
I planned to fight my demons
Now the devil I'd trying to test me to pieces
What else can I do but prepare for the rapture
Things that use to confuse me
Now makes more sense to me
I contemplated suicide like a DVD
Now I see I'm not drowning
I'm wading in the water
I hear your voice in the dark
With all the dearth you seen
Does it not make you feel like you got a purpose
I'm suppose to be the Christ bringing
I use to preach and give ppl the holy ghost
I turned to filling ppl with holy smoke
Betting on how much will make us comatose
I was trapped into my dark mind
I just accepted I'm an idiot
Destroying my temple
When I should be buried with a few novels
Instead of alcoholic poisoning and
Tears from loved ones
I'm asked all the time who am I
I had to get out of my mind
Selfish virtues and drug fueled emotions
In order to let go of yourself
You have to let yourself slip
I took the tumble  and realized
It was only my pride that could be hurt
Be a pride full man can't get into heaven
I've been given a chance once again
Note it's time to grab it and run
Like a bank robber with no gun
I wanna drink from the well
That will make me never thirst again
I wanna be honest
Not only to you but to myself

First time.2

Prayer changes things was a the beginning quote that started our night.

They sang a song that had been stuck in my head and I want it to get stuck in my heart.the chorus goes:
Set a fire down in my soul
That I can't contain
That I can't control

I need More of you Lord         
I need more of you Lord

2 Timothy 3 was the ending chapter.I want to read more and give more of an explanation to the things he spoke about.

The preacher said that lately people are Having a form of godly ness but denying its power. This caught me since once the love if my life told me my name means Christ bringing. In fact in the past I have brought many people to church who never knew Christ.which is ironic now since I have ran from church over the past couple years.

The preacher also said Selfishness is the biggest problem that's going to lead to Christ and Selfishness is gonna bring the anti Christ into power. Which I can believe because if we only think about ourselves and our prosperity then evil men will rise to power while the good fearing people most likely will fall to despair.which note that I consider it breaks my heart.that that is the way the world is working on.which also remind me of a sarcastic poem I write one called why not.I said the girls love the men that lie and cheat and turn their nose to the men that offer love and devotion.

Again I want to emphasise this not only for you guys but for myself. In order to re invent yourself you must realize the Times
Repent means do something for Christ while reinvent means do something for yourself

I have gone by many names over my life and lived many lives just to keep up with the times. Their have been many times though that I needed to bring my Sun's to Christ though and relieve the pressure on my heart.yet I ask myself and you guys.have you reinvented more then you repented?

First time

Today was the first time in about two years that I stepped foot in a church. I was very nervous at first since I've built up almost a fear of being in the building. Yet today I felt the message was for me.he spoke on 2 Timothy and the signs of the end times. I can see how these times we live in are getting worse. The selfishness of the world is a sin that I myself harbour inside me.

For to long I have been seen to do so much for others.in actuality I'm doing things for myself.since helping others in the end actually helps me.

The pastor said people hate to repent because that means doing something for Christ.they would rather reinvent themselves because that is for you. I felt that was a thought I wanted to share and ask you guys to consider the truth in his statement.