The precipice of love

Three years you held him
I sat in jail with no mail
Locked down on the tier with no bail
Up the river without a sail
Rethinking, overthinking, 
replaying, regretting
The decisions I made
Only to have you back
For over a year
Every other night we shed tears
You threatened to throw
My dog off the banister
Kick him down the stairs
Exploiting all my parenting fears

I waited years and held out hope
Took my life down a slippery slope
Drank until I made myself broke
Couldn't eat but had time to smoke
I mixed drugs and depression
In the hopes of completion
Combining my body, mind and soul
The mending of my heart never came
My books got finished
Pages were read in anticipation

Only too find a black queen
That I thought deserved my heart

We drove over twelve hours
just to meet your parents
Wasted your gas and time
You shared all your insecurities
Just too dump me in Birmingham
On the curb because you loved me
We watched heat
And you told me not to live like that
How you turn and do that?

I had a girl who subbed to my blog
Bought my books and got them signed
We use to argue about
her never getting mentioned
how she was real compared to my stories
The love she gave was genuine
Im sure she didn't expect
Her name to come up like this

I told her bring some juice
I got the sin enough for too
Even when you exclude me
This shouldn't be nothing new
Ive been so lonely
Ive forgotten my worth
Once or twice
Ive been so horny
Ive forgotten my morals
Two times to many

Flicking and clicking

Every tone brings me sorrow
I know everytime it won't be you
Here we are again
Left to the others
Cause you can't look me in the eyes
My phone stays ready to die
Yet I'm awaiting your call
I keep setting myself up for the fall
I'm still waiting for a call
Look at the obsession
Can you feel me hurt
Did you hear my heart break
Over the bed you were rocking

Alone in my room
The clock ticks away
Every notification gives me false hope
Your miles away thinking about another
While I'm here stuck on you
Just feeling so blue
Trying to accept we're through
All because I can't provide for you

Another one taken by
A man richer than me
With perverted intentions
When the love got lost
You forgot to mention
Tell me those true words
So I can stop looking at the phone

The anxiety makes me sick
My sleep is never enough
The gym brings no reprieve
I'm attached to my phone
For all the wrong reasons
I wanna hear the truth
Tell me some more lies
Anything to stop my sighs

Clicking and flicking
The phone on and off
Every message ain't the right one
Every notification brings
Me too the depths of despair
This depression has be pulling my hair
Acting out in public
And waiting for someone
to dare Cross that line
so the bomb can explode this time.

Becoming nothing

You laid in my arms
Filled my mind with sweet dreams
False hopes and joys to never be
Played on my emotions
exposing my vulnerability
Only to run and hide

Take away the pain this time
Take away the lies
Every time you look into my eyes
Your hurting but I'm hurting too
Encased in others loving embrace
Trying to fill the void
Holding back the tears
Forcing smiles from ear to ear

Give back the love you stole
Make my heart whole once more
Was it not you
Who i did adore
I never lied,  i never broke ties
Yet it wasn't enough to stop the lies

Month after month we fight whats inside
The dream was to be side by side
I bought it and more
Even the child you never bore

I was convinced I was different
I was convinced I was special
To find out I was nothing but a pawn
The only one who wanted you
To have everything you wanted
The only one who couldn't afford to do it
The pauper played for a fool
All in the name of love.

8 more than 92

The sky is only gray
I've finally hurt bae
I've left her in agony

So consumed by myself
I forget she needs the love
From me from another
From anybody she calls lover
The trust is gone
The love is gone
We've both become so withdrawn
I'm up and it just turned dawn
I'm thinking about another fight
Another night where I've done harm

How can I expect things to be fine
After all of our mistakes
We've smiled and lied
To each others face
Can we ever trust
What the other has to say?

My pleas for attention
Fell on deaths ears
Now the clouds
Reflect our betrayals
Its 70 degrees in nyc
But I can't see the sun
When is enough.. enough
I'm done with
The woman, liquor and drugs
Have we not gone through enough?

I've pushed us to the precipice
Filled heads with dreams of allure
Im doing things you can't ignore
For to long our feelings we've whored
It's time for us too just adore
Hold each other
And speak things we've never told
Were both just getting to old

Why can't we just grow and build
I've heard too many
chances have been given
I wish I was lucky sleven
I came to bama to see your face
Grab my things and leave that place
We keep saying everything
happens for a reason
Is that why I didn't get my .38 shells
To empty them where
All my depressions and regrets dwell

Forgiveness and reinvention
Is the key to longevity
You've said more then once
Can I trust you again
To not leave me on the pavement

D'evils

Uncertainties are the fruit of life that we have yet to harvest.
Ive been to a Buddhist temple
And seen a side of myself
That ive never known
What's inside is hatred
For myselfand those around
How can I let go
of the things that burden me
Of all my insecurities, emergencies
Family surgeries,  the ego,  every time she go,
How can I just let we go

The only immortal that you know
Time doesn't matter
Whats 30hrs to a G like me

One isn't enough we need two
Isn't that our motto
Who's bed are we hiding in tonight
He holds and comforts you
She sucks my soul out
Cooks and strokes my ego
I'm switching vices again
Were giving in to temptations
We want each other
But we always have to have another

Hurt me please hurt me
I strive from pain
Lie to me again
Tell me you love me
After we've told the others
The same thing

The Truth

It's hard when you fall
It's not easy to succeed
People won't wait forever
Forever in reality is a really long time

I woke up half past six
With you on my mind
I'll get it right this time
Your to fine to just let go
What's thirty hours
To a G like me

You might  not see this now
One day you'll look at it
Three years after our abortion
I'm still wondering why I can't say hey
Tell you about the pigeon
that shit all over me the other day
And how every body says
its good luck over here
What would they say over there
Waking up in cold sweats
The man with no regrets
Can't sleep cause of one

After a year of waiting
My pride still held me down
I looked into your brown eyes and lied
No girls filled my bed
One was more than enough
To turn you off
Even though she was made up
Just to stroke my ego

I apologize for pushing you away
I should of fought to stay
I could of accepted
things were just that way
I went Eric Bennett
Now I can't find my way
Leave me crying in these fast cars
Forget about my bullshit facade
I'm done fronting with the sharades

How many times
did I need to second guess
Before I realized
It tears me apart to be away from you
Now it's to late
Too say I'm not scared either
Every night you told me
Im different
Maury show the results say
That was a lie
I've proven you wrong
I keep hearing the same song

Every where I go
They keep asking me about my sobriety
How do I tell them I'm see sawing
I thought I was strong enough
Too juggle two things at once
Battling between
sobriety and loving myself
I got half written pages in my phone
Everyday I push people further away
I just wanna be left alone
My hearts turned to stone
I never really got a chance to atone
It eats me up inside and
so I make repeatedly make her moan
I'm switching vices
depending on the crisis
Im a mental terrorist
Think something like Isis

If I was you I would run
I live and strive in chaos
That's no place for love
I only want the flesh
I give the buzzards the hearts
El plague negro is here

If we never speak again
At least I got to tell you the truth
I hope these words
leave your heart soothed

Trust Issues

Disillusioned by paranoia
I've alienated my self
From the things I've felt
Filled with hate and regret
From girls I've met
Plates keep getting set
I feel like
I keep getting left
Which must mean im her favorite
My heart needs a break
I've had so much at stake
How much more can i take

I shared my trust issues with you
You turned them into reality
With a smile of sincerity
I fell like a dog  down a well
I'm in shock still
Where can I find my will
How am I suppose to just stay chill
When I just got my fill

You used and abused my trust
Took my love for granted
Then left my heart slanted
I was open and willing
You were setting up a new killing

Even in the face of my distress
You gave me a lie after another
The honesty was kept for the other
The one who holds the money bags
Who can keep you monogamous
Who loves you more than I can

You can't trust family or friends
On the right night
You can't even trust yourself
Where can I turn
Who can I console
How can I trust them with the untold
Why should I ever
leave myself so exposed.