Trust Issues

Disillusioned by paranoia
I've alienated my self
From the things I've felt
Filled with hate and regret
From girls I've met
Plates keep getting set
I feel like
I keep getting left
Which must mean im her favorite
My heart needs a break
I've had so much at stake
How much more can i take

I shared my trust issues with you
You turned them into reality
With a smile of sincerity
I fell like a dog  down a well
I'm in shock still
Where can I find my will
How am I suppose to just stay chill
When I just got my fill

You used and abused my trust
Took my love for granted
Then left my heart slanted
I was open and willing
You were setting up a new killing

Even in the face of my distress
You gave me a lie after another
The honesty was kept for the other
The one who holds the money bags
Who can keep you monogamous
Who loves you more than I can

You can't trust family or friends
On the right night
You can't even trust yourself
Where can I turn
Who can I console
How can I trust them with the untold
Why should I ever
leave myself so exposed.

Fuck Daniel Caesar

That use to be our tune
That was my ringtone
I was excited to hear my phone
Now there's only dial tone
And me alone in my home
Just clicking on my phone

They said in the end it would hurt
Yet now I feel nothing
I'M just numb
I'm just so numb
Something that brings joy
Now only brings pain
My hearts forever strained
I'm forced to just sustain
My demons making it
Hard to just maintain
I can't get those
Happy times out my brain

You can't really understand
A love song Unless
your heart once dangled on that strand
You got legs but it's hard to stand
Your sitting in a dark room
Contemplating what's happening
in your life span
They once use to be a friend
Now their someone you can't stand

The countless deception's swirl 
The pain and disbelief in your brain
How could they
make you feel such pain
Make your mind feel such strain
We could of stayed in our lane
We could of fought to maintain
Instead we turned it into a one way
Both of us heading to a dead end
Preparing to go our separate ways

We've hit the fork in the road
And I'm ready to just jump
I've been running for so long
I'd get a good start and
maybe miss the rocks
The whole ride home
I sat in silence
I heard my watch make every toc
I kept watching the clock
And stressing cause I couldn't stop
My hearts on a permanent lock
That's nothing to mock

I gave you the power
You used the power
We abused the power
Now we've lost the power
And can't stand one another
We use to love each other
Now these sad songs
Fill our memories

Thinking maybe you would call
I was puzzled you gave him my number
What buttons were you trying to push?

I've missed the feeling of you missing me
Why do I only want independent women?
Is he really the one
to go through the dark times with
Are we gonna stay apart another winter?

I'm triefling and your a mess
We argue and just continue to stress
We could do better but we settle for less
My muse I'm inspired by these test
It can't be to late we can't let it rest
We both still have so much to attest

What sick joke is this?

The Fuzzy Panda Girl

I had a dream
Of lust and deception
You scratched the black boards 

screaming and crying
Passion and pain
Whirled through our bodies

Your back laid on my desk

Arched like a bridge ready for my weight

Look what you've done

Your clumsy hands spilled your drink

Clean it up while I think

I wanna grab my ink

That ass made me smile like Mona Lisa

Let me paint the picture

I'm bought to make a rash decision

Your all in my imagination

A vivid illustration

From god himself

Every day we're having revelations

About sinking relations

And lacking of deep penetration

Feeling like Africans just emancipated

Every time we get close to break ups

Yet look at fates touch now its just us

We both know this is wrong

Like ushers confession song

You'll be with me till dawn

The feelings are just too strong

Like a hit from a bong 

 

We've lost religion and scriptures

Gave into our animal ambition

Time for the consummation 

You'll never have to be lonely

Ill forever be your homie

Baby just hold me

For right now it's only we

We're young and we're free

Lets finish this fantasy

We both know this is wrong

Like ushers confession song

You'll be with me till dawn

The feelings are just too strong

Like a hit from a bong

 

Books covered the floor

Pencils and pens fell right behind them
Our body motions rocked them to the door
Please give me more
You cried
I love it
I love you
She cried out loud
Your all mines
I've been waiting a long time
You've been the only thing on my mind
My fuzzy panda girl
My fuzzy panda girl

I just wanna enjoy this time
I know when I open my eyes
You'll be gone by the rising of the tide
I need more time to watch you ride

Your lips your hips your thighs

They got me hypnotized
I cant stop my hands
From running through your hair
Its just my luck you would appear
All intentions are clear
Take me to Ecstasy without the Ecstasy

We both know this is wrong

Like ushers confession song

You'll be with me till dawn

The feelings are just too strong

Like a hit from a bong

 

I shouldn't feel this way

Are we really here?
Am I daydreaming again?
In the blink of an eye
I'm back to reality
I was out for a ride
Caught a glimmer of sunshine
The apple of my eye
Is no longer by my side
Red lights catch my eye
I couldn't stop in time
Ended up smashing my ride

Self-medicating

Dark rooms with strangers
I want the OP outta opiods
Like mac said
What's a god with a little OD
I'm just eating pussy
Other people buying shoes
Trapped in bathrooms for hours
Trying to put the HERO in heroin

The late night's will take the pain away

The sex will take the pain away
I'm drinking the pain away
Going back to the way I was
Self medicating the pain away
Pushing off the strain to another day
Letting my latter days matter today
Driving my success further away

Fighting the demons within

Just ignore the sins
Think about the way she spins
That's what the left says
You need to be writing
We're behind schedule
That's what the right says

The white elephant in the room
Keeps coming back to soon
Drool drips as I stare at the moon
All alone listening to the same tune

The late night's will take the pain away
The sex will take the pain away
I'm drinking the pain away
Going back to the way I was
Self medicating the pain away
Pushing off the strain to another day
Letting my latter days matter today
Driving my success further away

Can you feel the pressure and pain

My therapist say's
I have a disease in my membrane
I must obtain everything on the plains
I want nice dames
With nice tight frames
Who know the difference between
A 750 and the 750LI
It's about 60 racks if you don't know
I Gotta take trips to
Exotic Islands where most people don't go

The late night's will take the pain away
The sex will take the pain away
I'm drinking the pain away
Going back to the way I was
Self medicating the pain away
Pushing off the strain to another day
Letting my latter days matter today
Driving my success further away

Being a chameleon comes with a price

Its a gift and a curse

What do I really look like? 

Can I turn my nose up too whores?

Did I ever really feel remorse

As I drive along this course

Of course!

Why you think I don't sleep

Every time I close my eyes

I see my mistakes and dead homies

I see aborted babies

Women i've left broken

Doors I cant open  

Words that should of been spoken

Money that was wasted 

I could of saved a fortune

The late night's will take the pain away
The sex will take the pain away
I'm drinking the pain away
Going back to the way I was
Self medicating the pain away
Pushing off the strain to another day
Letting my latter days matter today
Driving my success further away 

90 in 90

Two years out of rehab
I'm hiding bottles under my bed
Clutching pill bottles like rigamortis set in
Praying the Lord won't leave me
At least worst then before
I'm opening and closing doors
Burning bridges im on galore
All I know is I need some more
I haven't felt like this
Since the last time I overdosed
Lord hold me close

The coffee keep me up
The stories show me where I'm going
One day at a time
I gotta stop overloading

my best friend left state

now they arguing over child support

but with no man in the home

does the child really get support

watching another man shave with my son

go school shopping with my daughter

all over the book and gram

would make me question

if i was a man

two bottles to begin with

hose and remy

the henny on the steps

just show you ive lost it

I'VE LOST MY WAY

I'M ADRIFT ON A SEA ON FEELINGS

I'm tiping the scale weighing options

I was only gone a few months

Yet that was just too much

You were sick of my stunts 

Our loves just in a funk

Look at me 

Surrounded by broken beds and clocks

What would you do

If ever put in my position?

I'm trying to satisfy everybody

Yet enough is never enough

Now I'm repping team forever alone

My hearts turned to stone

I just want to be alone

Broken clocks

They tick and tock
Yet they just not quite right
Two times a day isn't enough
I thought you had a past
I got a past we must be perfect
I was the car you were the mechanic
if we crash then tomorrow well be fixed
Sounded so nice at that point
I didn't think the car would get totaled

Tell me those lies
Fill my head with things that ain't right
Imprint those sweet nothing's in my brain
Ignore all the pain
Carry on with the show
Can't you hear the applaud
Of the audience that isn't there

My mother always told me
Buy a man shoes
And he'll walk out in that pair
Those pair of toms
Might of made me stay
That was the sign I was praying for
They represented the disappointment
I would of felt in the long run
My point that I was never number 1
Just a side thought
In the middle of the day
I would've stayed
I could've beared another day
I couldn't bring myself too

I had poems for you on the back burner
The words just never expressed my love
They couldn't sum up my gratitude
You saved my life
I'll never forget it
Or turn my back when you need
But there goes that fantasy
If you didn't need me
When I was here
Why would you need me
When I'm not there?

Sadness brings sad songs

You were quicker to change our fb status
Then you were coming up with a response
I sat just listening to the tone
Waiting like I've waited for you
Actions speak louder than words
So drake avant and future
Fill my phone
Can you sense the tone?
Ive opened my heart
Just to end up alone

Your most likely feeling his warm embrace
Ready to break up homes
We can't handle being alone
Maybe he'll do what I couldn't
Will he fill you up
Just how you like?

Your pride was to much
To fit on the side
Not to say mines didn't
Cloud my judgement at times
I keep telling every one I'm fine
Just give me some time
Yet 6 am I'm listening to love songs
Just staring into space
Still in disbelief and aww

How could things of gone so wrong?
I wrote distance and time for you
Thirty hours seemed so light
Just to feel your heavy touch
Now I'm left feeling myself
No du rag on
But ill ride this wave
Tears for a love that once bloomed
Heart ache for a love that died
I'm empty inside
Why couldn't you
believe you completed me
Why was it so hard to see
That you were my world
The black girl that saved my life
The black girl I would've made my wife

Have him and him
I hope they give you what I couldn't
Bring those tears to those woman
Who you'll never see
Just know you lost me
While I was finding myself
I was all yours and no one else
I Was to sure of myself
The fantasy had a hold of me
Guess I needed a snap to reality