Junkie pride

"Lord Grant me the serenity to accept the thing I can't change, courage to change the thing I can and wisdom to know the difference"
"Lord Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference" I said in repetition rocking back and forth.

Jim sat at the edge of the bed in his room holding his stomach. The sweat pouring down his forehead dripped into his eye. He wiped it and went back to holding his stomach. Abruptly he got up and ran to the bathroom. Flipping the toilet seat up Jim began to throw up. It was nothing but fluids that came out. Slamming the toilet seat down, Jim jumped on it and began to shit. A knock came at the door and Jim began to throw up.

"Are you ok baby?" Jim's wife Susan asked
"Yes I'm fine just my stomach a bit up..." Jim couldn't finish his sentence as he started to throw up.

The vomit that erupted out his mouth spewed all over the wall in front of him. Susan began to turn the door handle and realized it was locked. She knocked on the door more urgently now, sensing something was amiss.

"Just go back to bed Susan I'm fine" Jim managed to muster the words as he was Wiping his mouth from all the vomit.
"Why won't you open the door"
"Susan I said I back to Fucking bed, I'm fine" Jim shouted

Their five month old baby Bridgette began to cry in her nursery. 
"Great now you woke the baby up" Susan said laying her head on the door.
"Just go get her, I said I'm fine" Jim said in a more somber tone.

He listened as Susan stepped away from the door and, walked down the hall to the nursery. Jim once again clutched his stomach as the pain returned forcing him to hunch over on the toilet. He regained his composure and went to the sink. Looking at his hands that were covered in vomit and feces shaking almost violently. Looking at himself in the mirror a feeling of disgust crept up in him. Before Jim knew what came over him, his fist was punching the bathroom mirror. The shards exploded out the frame and cut open his hand, as they dropped into the sink and surrounding bathroom floor.

"Fuck" Jim shouted holding his hand.

I angrily began opening the cupboard doors looking for bandages and alcohol. Once I found them I grabbed some toilet paper to soak up the blood from the open wounds. The alcohol burned as I poured it over the cuts. Wrapping my hand up I began to feel the sickness returning.

I slammed the cupboard doors closed with my leg making a loud thud sound, that seemed to echo through the bathroom. Turning on the pipe I washed my face and looked at it again in what was left of the mirror. I felt disgusted with myself and that turned into the aching need to feel normal again. Two days have I withstood this urge that eats at me too use.

The internal struggle has Now become too much for me to bear. I opened the bathroom door and looked down the hall. To check if the coast was clear, I felt like I was in high school again sneaking out my house. I could hear Susan singing her lullabies. I loved her voice it could always sooth me in my darkest times. As I crept down the hall, the urge to open the door and sit with her, almost overwhelmed me. The urge to get my fix though outweighed my desire to be with my family.

I stumbled in the darkness looking for my keys. I didn't dare turn on a light and alert Susan to my plans. She would know exactly where I was going at this time. Finally my fingers stumbled on them and before I knew it. The keys were fully gripped in my hand and locking our front door. I started my car up and pulled out our driveway.

It didn't take long before I was on the highway heading to the south side of town. I had already called Pablo and placed my order. In my rush I didn't notice the cop car parked in the darkness before the over head bridge. As I sped past and realized my mistake, I could see him pull out from his spot and turn on the lights. My nerves rattled as the red white and blue cop lights singed into my rear view mirror.

Pulling over to the side I punched my steering wheel and waited for him. As I looked through my side mirrors, watching him get out his car. A sigh came from my mouth as I tried to pull together my composure. I chuckled a bit as I watched Jim get closer to my car window. It always seemed ironic to me that the same colors that represented freedom could at the same time mean incarnation.

"Good night officer" I said wincing as he shined his flash light in my eye. "Is there a problem?"
"I clocked you at 80mph in a 65mph zone. Where you headed in such a hurry?" The officer asked. 
"Just heading to see my girlfriend for the night, She's a nurse at Saint Jude's. I was just trying to get there before her lunch break ended. You know how that is" I said lying my ass off.

"License and registration"

"My wallet is in my back pocket"

"Keep your left hand on the steering wheel, reach into your pocket slowly and get the wallet"

All vehicles we have a 10-80 on north parkway all available officers respond

No sooner had I grabbed my wallet, his police radio interrupted.

“Tonight’s you’re lucky night watch your speed” the officer said running back to his car

I calmly sat in my car until he pulled off from behind me and waited for a minute. As I tried to get my thoughts together all I could think about was going back home. Susan the baby they were there just waiting for me, but I could not turn back now. I was so close to reaching James and getting this monkey off my back. Dealing with that cop had really stressed me out I needed my fix now more than ever. Checking my blind spot for a time that was clear I gunned my car into traffic back south bound.

It was not more than fifteen minutes before I pulled into Pablo’s apartment complex. He was a lanky white boy who thought he could be a gangster someday. Talked as if his parents raised him right but the street got a hold of him. Pablo always had the best dope and that’s why for years he was my exclusive dealer. His real name never seemed any of my business and mines was not his, we kept it pretty formal and straight to business. The prices of his grams went up and down like the Dow Jones but I usually chalked it up to the quality. We exchanged our normal formalities and then I was on my way to the sanctuary.

I parked my car a few blocks away in a strip malls parking lot. The crown royal’s chicken spot was still open; the usual corner warriors were there too. Getting out the car the smell of fried chicken and cheap perfume filled my nose. My car was not fully locked before Gloria calls my name across the parking lot. She stood with her two lackey’s Shonda and Monica in front of the liquor store.

Gloria was white with a heavy jersey accent and petite, she use to be a hot piece of ass back in the day, but the streets had worn her down good. She still kept her hair nice and blonde; the clothes she wore always looked clean and new. I knew her pimp back in the day but big Daddy was doing ten years up top for a stabbing, leaving these girls to roam free and go unchecked. I’ve had a lot of good nights with all three of them but Gloria by far was my favorite.

 “Hey Jim... long to no see...  are you trying to have some fun tonight?

“I got a wife and a baby now I can’t”

“The wife never stopped you before”

“Yea Jim you use to wanna have fun” Shonda said

“Yeah Jim” Monica chimed in not missing a beat chewing the bubble gum in her mouth

“Later”

I pretty much ignored them and continued down the street I’m sure before the night ended we would all meet up again. That’s how it was once you got hooked, users usually stick together. Although the cops never bothered with the Sanctuary, I couldn’t help but he looking over my shoulder. I kept expecting to bump into someone from one of my programs or just get busted. The regret and shame stared to seep into my mind so I hurried my pace into the Sanctuary.

As soon as I pushed open the building doors the smell of piss and vomit invaded all my senses. The pungent odor overwhelmed my sense for a moment even more than the semi darkness. After months of sobriety I had forgotten how awful this place could really smell. The candles people had burning in various places didn’t offer much comfort to the overall harness of the bodily fluids. This was what I came for though; this was what I had been craving for months. No judgment was placed here, I had all the privacy I could want and need, no responsibility or people that depended on me, and it was my own personal Sanctuary from the real world.

With anticipation I made my way up the steps, walking over or around the few sleeping bodies in my path. A slight alarm started to arise in me though seeing the capacity of people in the stairwell, which usually meant all rooms were taken. No not today I said in my head pushing on to the fifth floor. My usual room was down the hall to the left, it gave the best view of the city in my opinion. Mary and I would move the couch to face the window and sit watching the skyline before we dosed off. Thinking about my old doping buddy got me excited again and ready to get in my room.

Outside the door to my favorite room laid two junkies who were just starting to spark up their crack pipe. The man holding the pipe looked up for a second and a smile broke across his face.

“I never thought I would see your sorry face in here again!” Samuel said

“I never thought I would either, but when the monkeys got you by the balls you just got to follow right?” I said

“Jim this is Kathy my girl” Samuel said

“He must got some good stuff if he got a pretty girl like you hanging around him” I said

“No he is just all the man I could ever want” Kathy said leaning in and kissing Samuel

“Well isn’t that cute now if the two of you don’t want parting I’d like to get past, I got some business of my own to handle.” Jim said

“Just find another room you don’t wanna go in there” Samuel said lighting his pipe and taking a big hit

“This is my room and if someone is in there they will have to share now move aside I’ve been waiting all day to get here”

“Jim you don’t want to go in there jus trust me find another room”

“Why what’s going on in there I can’t know about”

I looked at Kathy and she turned away from my sight, I looked at Samuel he took another heavy hit of his pipe and then passed it to Kathy after a nasty coughing episode. I grew impatient and took a step forward meaning to grab the door handle and open it. This was my room, my time to get my fix and I would have been damned if anyone was going to stop me. I’ve seen enough things happen in this building to write a novel. Nothing and I mean nothing behind that door could scare or shock me.

Samuel stood up quickly and grabbed my hand as I pulled back he stood in a defensive stance, by the look in his eyes I knew something was a miss. Dropping my guard I relaxed and Samuel took the hint. He put one finger up as to say give him a minute and began another episodes of gut wrenching coughs.

“Mary is in their Jim’

“Well good I haven’t seen here in months, why would you stop me is she with a guy?”

“No”

“Well what’s going on your acting crazy man let me pass”

“She is dead Jim…. I… I didn’t want to have to tell you”

“Dead…. no way Mary is one of the toughest bitches this side of the Mississippi she can’t be dead”

“She been dead for two days now Jim, I just haven’t had the heart to move her or let anyone in to disturb her”

“Please get out of my way, I  ... I … I need to see this for myself”

Samuel stepped out of the way of the door and Kathy curled up into a ball against the wall giving me free entry. My arms felt like lead as I gripped the door knob, my mind was half way convinced this was some prank and she would jump out and scare me. I entered the room and it was complete darkness the blinds were pulled shut. A faint odor stronger then the smell of crack and feces lingered in the air. It burned my nose hairs a bit, I pulled out my cell phone was turned on my flashlight. Instantly going to the window and opening the blinds.

The crescent moon that was out in the sky tonight perfectly illuminated the almost baron room. Our old couch was still there the floor was covered in newspaper mixed with trash and a few mattresses were lined against the walls. That was the funny thing about fiends they could always find something to sleep on. I turned back toward Samuel who stood in the doorway with Kathy holding hands and nodded. Without even saying a word he knew what I meant and closed the door. I was engulfed almost immediately by the darkness.

I made my way to the bathroom door with what little courage was left inside of me. what waited before me in the bathroom was something beyond my comprehension at the time. Pushing open the bathroom door the hot stench of decay and rot encased me. I hurled over and puked a bit from the sudden and voracity of the smell. Pulling my composure together I shined the flashlight on the top. The shower curtains were drawn and behind them I could see the silhouette of a person lying in the tub motionless.

If any moment Mary just humped up and scared the shit out of me I would have been relieved. In my head though I knew that was not going to happen and I was one step away from seeing the true nature of the beast. In my programs they always say some have die for others to live. Which in this context made no sense to me since if Mary had died while I was clean, her death would be justified as a lesson for me to stay sober and on the program? However Mary is dead and I came to relapse so where is this validation for her death? In a sane world seeing my dead doping buddy would be enough to turn and sane man clean. The insanity of my disease however does the exact opposite.

With one fluid movement I pull the shower curtain and reveal Mary’s cold dead corpse laying in the tub. If I had not known better I would of thought she was sleeping peacefully. Her skin was paler than usual and she died with her normal smug grin on her face. She must have died thinking about a new way to get over on somebody. The orange and yellow sun dress she was wearing seemed proper for her. Mary was always upbeat and so cheerful even in the bleakest of situations.  Then I saw her killer it was still hanging from her arm, nestled on her dead bosom as a child to its mother. The deadly assassin began to trigger me though, it sent a chill up my spine and right into my right arm.

In the heat of the moment I grabbed the syringe out her arm and shined my flashlight on it. There was still a whole shot left in it, I couldn’t believe Mary od’d  without even finishing the shot it had to of been potent stuff. I sat down next to the tub and pulled my black bag out of my pocket placing it on the floor next to me. I pulled my lighter out my other pocket and ran the flame over Mary’s syringe a few times until I smelled her blood burn a bit.

 In attempting to keep the remainder of the shot, I wanted to make sure there was no blood left in the barrel. Then the next thing was resting the syringe on its side and allowing the blood to settle. Cracking my black bag open I grabbed out my spoon and then I carefully transferred the heroin into a clean spoon, leaving the blood in the old syringe. Once bubbles started forming in the water I could not wait to just then suck it up into my new syringe.

I kissed the syringe passionately then leaned over and kissed Mary’s head forehead. It tasted dry and slimy which made me instantly regret it. I folded up my t-shirt and took the rubber band out my black bag. Wrapping it around my arm to cut the circulation is where the thrill began for me. I gently dragged the needle up my arms in search of a new juicy vein, after all the years of doing this it was now so easy even in this dimly lit bathroom. The tracks on my arms served as markers for where I’d been before, tonight I was searching for uncharted territory and I found it.

The first prick sent a jolt up my spine then once I pushed the blue magic into my veins all the pain went away. I instantly felt the euphoria I had been craving all these months. The regret, doubt, my mourning for Mary, my worries about Susan leaving me with the baby, my job firing me none of it mattered as I began to drift.

“Well Mary it was fun while it lasted but this cowboy still has a few more rides in him. Ill be seeing you soon. Keep the lights on for me will ya!” I said as I got up and slowly made my way to the couch.

I did not have the energy to move it the way we use too have it. I just instantly dropped on top of it and sank into the couch. The stains or sour milk smell emanating from it did not bother me now. I had found my happy place and nothing could make me give it up. In my mind though, me and Mary sat side by side just like use to do. Tonight the city was alive for us fireworks crackled above the city. I could see how every pop and bang made Mary so giddy. Her smile was beautiful even in the night and tonight it shined brighter than any of those fireworks. After all these years and it’s still just me and her right her.

The heat from the sun woke me up out of my slumber. I jumped up and realized I had overslept, my phone alarm should have woke me up. Looking around the room and back in the bathroom it was nowhere to be found. The sight of Mary in the morning brought back all the memories of last night and made me puke again. The smell was even worse now since I left the door open all night. My black bag was gone from the floor as well along with my used stash from Pablo. All I had left on me was my car keys and my wallet which contained no money now.

In a fit of rage I began to just kick, push, toss and flip anything and everything in the room my hands could get on.  The couch got flipped over the mattresses were pulled off the wall. I just kicked and crushed as much paper and bottles as I could muster in my stride. The total destruction of this room was my goal, and if I find who robbed me lord have mercy on their soul. I’m going to rip them a whole new asshole and then some, my blood was boiling and I could not think straight. My new problem was how was I going to get my fix now in order to handle all of this today. It was too early to call Pablo and im sure im the only person in the building up right now.

“Hey man what’s going on in here” A man asked angrily opening the door

“Mind your fucking business” Jim yelled not even paying him attention

“You can’t talk to me like that” the man exclaimed loudly

“Did you steal my shit; are you the bold thief to come back? Does this look like a game to you? Give me back my shit or tell me who got it…. I know you know I know you know… where my shit is” I jumped on the man and began to punch him in the face with my irate questions and accusations.

“I don’t have anything. I don’t have anything… help me help me please.” The man cried sniveling in the fetal position on the floor

By the time I realized how mad I actually was people were pulling me off of the crying bloody man. He laid curled up with his face all bloody stammering the same sentences as if on repeat. Clearly he was not the culprit and got something that was not meant for him. For all I know Samuel started robbing me while I slept left and others followed suit. Shoving the guys of me and telling them I was cool gave me a second to breath. looking down at the blood on my hands they got wiped clean into my shirt. I calmly fixed my clothes and walked out the room making sure I looked everyone in my path in the eye.

 This was just another perfect example of why I tried to kick the habit. Tempers flare then people get hurt now I have to go find a new fix and replace all my stuff. This was only day one of my relapse and I was already sick and tired of being sick and tired. Or so I thought again. As soon as I cranked my car up my first thought was where I was gonna score again. Then I realized before I did that I had to go home and get out these bloody clothes. This time though I didn’t have to worry about the police I was in no rush to get there.

Pulling into my driveway my stomach started to cringe I felt the afterglow taking hold. The walk into the house seemed to take forever. Our walkway from the drive port was no more than twenty feet at best. It was probably for the best that I delayed the inevitable confrontation with Susan. This was going to just be another time I came home and she blew my high with her bickering and nagging.

I opened the door and the house was eerily quiet for noon. I was expecting to hear cartoons on the TV and maybe Susan to be doing some cleaning. The plan was too just sneak inside and get to the bathroom before she saw my clothes and asked a million more questions to the ones she already had. Before I could fully hit the steps she was in my peripheral view sitting in the chair just looking at me. A feeling I hadn’t felt since my mother caught me sneaking in the house after curfew crept up inside of me. I then chuckled out loud imagine me a grown man who owned the house and everything in it feeling like a child.

“Good afternoon Susan where is Bridgette?” I asked as calmly as I could

“I took her to my mother’s house this morning when I realized you didn’t come home or go to work. Your back using again aren’t you?” she asked in a very meek way. The tone of her voice could not mask the pain and anger inside of her.

“Don’t start this again I stay out one night and you start with the accusations” I said bluntly, the burn of my unjustified defensive attitude started to turn inside of me. I knew I was in the wrong but I was not going to back down and be patronized by a house wife with no degree.

You know most women when their husband is out late know its another woman, but you nooo… you got those filthy drugs. Look at your arms they look disgusting. The man I knew use to love his body, he cared about his appearance. I don’t even know who you are anymore. I fell in love with a junkie you’re nothing but a dirty junkie. You can’t even fuck me anymore, when’s the last time you could get it up to touch me. Look at you what have you done to yourself Jim what have you done….. we use to be happy we just had a baby for god sakes” Susan cried like I’ve never seen before.

In my state all I could do was lean against the wall and try to stay awake. The buzz didn’t feel as good anymore. In the few moments that my head was up and I looked into her eyes I saw the pity and regret she felt towards me. Bringing his head back up to face that sight was something Jim could not bring himself to do. In a whirlwind of emotions he just broke down and cried leaned up against the wall. Desperately inside of me everything wanted to say you are right but that could not come out. Those words could never me uttered to her again I swore it to myself and I was going to see it through.

“I’m leaving Jim and I’m not coming back until you got helped and can show me you are serious and clean this time. Look at you… you look pathetic. The man I knew would never be seen dead shedding a tear… your nothing but a shell of a man now. I hope you and that dope get everything me and Bridgette could not give you.” Susan got up and walked right past me.

In the grand scheme of things I could have held her, I could have begged her to stay and tell her how much she and Bridgette meant to me. My Junkie Pride though got in the way and let the woman of my life walk out the door. Now I sit in my program every day, drink the coffee and work the steps. Through the program I found myself a sponsor, who is not a god but a guide through the steps. Every day I wake up I ask the good Lord to Grant me the serenity to accept the thing I can't change, courage to change the thing I can and wisdom to know the difference. Just for today.

My beloveds birthday

once a year the sun shines on me
since you've left
the worlds been a bit more grey
songs come on that I replay
as I live from day to day

Bed to bed
The feelings just never the same
Addiction to sobriety
I'm just chasing the Dragon
A woman that will make me
Feel complete as can be

A fools dream
Fills my fantasies
Settling starts to feel appealing
As the pages of the calender
Fall one by one

Night turns to day
Ever since meeting you
In Kroger's deli bistro
I found God again
Taking a walk into the light

Nothing but positive vibes
Come from me to you
As you walk the other side of the world
Bringing smiles to those you meet
Changing lives as you've changed mines

Listening to Yodo

I accepted the fear
Fell into the depths of despair
For a love that wasn't there
And wouldn't appear
Even in my times of need
She is done with me
I'm forcing myself to sleep
Cause I really can't eat

Fear leads to the dark side
I thought I was ready for the ride
Fear leads to anger
Which appeared when I felt abandoned
Anger leads to hate
My heart has hardened to the world
I hardly smile anymore
Even though I got a girl I adore

We pushing year four
I'm back sleeping on the floor
Cold wind blows through the door
I should of asked God for more
My heart ain't right
My mind plays tricks on me
I'm talking to people
Who ain't there
Chasing the power
To bring balance to the force

How could I run you away?
I begged you to stay
Never seeing the betrayal
Which was all in my mind
It's too late though
To turn back time
The demons lied to me
Money and drugs
Ain't make me any stronger
They just made me last longer
Turned me into a whore-monger

I started switching my freaks
Like I was switching my sheets
Watching every skirt pleet
Pretending to be meek
Talking like a religious shik
Using the word for my perversions
I had no shame in my game
Hurt people hurt people
That's the only way I can explain
My own rationalization for justification

Dark days turned to dark years
Pills and potions
Kept me under the Sith lords spell
I killed those closet to me
In order to attain we again
Years later and I haven't called his bluff
I've acquired allot of stuff
Money power and respect
But what's all that without
A life you can accept

If We

If we never speak again
I'm just glad I got to meet you
It had to be fate
You've imprinted on me like slate
As normal though
I have to skate
I hate to make you wait
I regret I'm always late
I'm pushing thirty for fucks sake
This fear of commitment
I should of been shaked

If we never kiss again
At least I've felt your lips
I know how to make you laugh
So hard you start to spit
You use to think
My jokes were the shit
Our blossoming love
Was something out a script
William scorsese couldn't be that lit
Look at me still
Throwing childish fits

If we never got intimate again
I'd still remember your smell
I'm just happy I got to taste
Look at this waste
I'm in some city again
Your right in your place

I wish I could stay
But I got something to prove
There's too many thing to lose
I got court dates and deadlines
Running between times zones
Deeply wishing to get my mind blown
I can't tell you
The last time
I've been home
Surrounded by phonies and clones
I'm ironically always alone

If I never get to hurt you again
Think of it as my final gift

My one last wish

I can get it off my bucklist

i just wished

i had got one final kiss
Funny how I keep my word
When it means nothing

Breath of fresh air

The rooms been cramped
Depression and fear seeped through
Filling it up slowly
Like water in a sinking ship
There is where I sit
Quietly waiting for my demise

A guest that shouldn't of stayed
Now holds the door open
Letting in all the suns rays
I'm hesitant to make moves
Yet her smile soothes me
I can't afford to lose
Is this the right move?

For so long I've been alone
Is it time for me to atone my sins
No this is where I'll stay
These four walls shield me
From the hurt and the pain
From the insane and mundane

Her love and affection
Must be a trick
It seems like an addiction
She cooks and cleans
Her head game is so mean
It must be in a dream
This has to be a scheme
I wanna see the real thing

It's been too long
Since I've felt these things
My stomach is in knots
I'm trying to guess this plot
I really don't want it to stop
As she rides on top
Screaming please don't stop

I'll do whatever it takes
To make sure
Her heart doesn't break
Since there's so much at stake
Another night were both up late
Contemplating if this is all fate
Excited to see each other when we wake
Watching all the others
Now I finally can relate

I don't wanna hurt you
I've been known as la peste negra
Leaving nothing but
destruction in my wake
I'm holding back for your sake
You deserve more than
The usual fate
Of all the women to cross my path
There no need to elaborate
I'd rather celebrate
The New love in bloom
Before all the terror looms

Reflections

I hit her with

I know you got someone there

I'm a vampire you know

I can’t come in

Unless you welcome me in

It's three am and you've been on my brain

Not tonight and the door closes in my face

As the rain hit my head

I was just thinking about your head

What happened too your bed being cold

Was I too late to warm it up?

What does he have that I don’t?

Things seemed fine a week ago

Now I’m driving away thinking about

That annoyed smug face

Of all the things it was the worst case

I thought we were going to get a roman pace

Somewhere far in an interstellar space

Now we have an ironical antitrust case

Now I’m moving to a new place

My heart now feels displaced

I didn't know it was a foot race

Am I so easily replaced?

You kept telling me

Its yours its yours it’s yours

Late nights between the sheets

So loud the neighbors know my government

Was it not the best pillow talk?

Going to the bathroom felt like a space walk

I'm still pissing hard as a rock

Ready to put your pussy back in a hemlock

For you I tried to enable my heart block

The emotions I’ve showed

Were never good enough

We stress about the future so much

We’ve lost track of the present

Even the simple things matter

Something so delicate can easily shatter

Like food on a split plate

Lets cut all the Chitter Chatter

And get to the state of matter

Enjoying each others warm embrace matters

We could     become antimatter

We could transcend from our humans forms

With our heads together

If I had a mirror you would me my reflection

Since I’ve met you my heart had a tainted infection

I’ve tried to put your whole life under inspection

You gave me a change of direction

Looked past all my imperfections

And made certain too

Give me a new sense of direction

She is not you but she feels right enough

If you cant love the one you want

Love the one you with

As clique as it sounds

I give it to her

Every night I miss her

So I substitute it with 

Fellatio and feet rubs

Three a.m. facials and showers in the tub

Just how I want and need

I traded the drugs and booze

For a lust of flesh and bad news

I care for her deeply but

She can’t tell the difference between

Me and him

All I get accused of is

Having groupie hoes and thot’s

It’s funny how a singularity can turn into plurality

I take it all in like I shot it in my veins

The sleepless nights and migraines

Writing and Reading

Sleeping and Eating

Fucking and Pleading

Reading and Fapping

Shagging and Spirit Rapping

Praying and Disobeying

So much research I’m going insane

All our words are so malicious

Each word spoken to strike a nerve

We haven't even got our hors d'oeuvres yet

So you think the waitress is cute huh??

Now days I’m never alone

Which ironically leaves me always alone?

Nights I wish I had stayed blown

Working my program I let it be known

Because my disease has a bad memory

It speaks to me usually when I’m on my own

The irony

No matter how much recovery you get

You never actually really recover

dont wait for me baby
my father called men
like me rolling stones
when the wind blows i get rolling

The Man From Yucatan

I rode towards my next town on my mare Dusty with only a bible, two six shot dilinger's and what was in my pack. Me and old dusty have traveled pretty far and could use a good rest. The Oregon heat had been beating down on us for so long. Thank God I had my hat. The brim was just perfect to shade my face from the elements.

I got a good gal back home she looks out for me. The only woman I've found that could handle a man like me. My father calls men like me rolling stones. We might stop for a bit but once the wind blows we're rolling again. My gal though she don't care. That woman knows when I do stop I'll be home, with her.

This Oregon trail business has brought more action to the mid west. Then a saloon filled with bucuneers on an off shore night. More troubled men have arose out the fire then good though. Which isn't too bad for a man in my business. It's like my father use to say you can either convert them or crucify them. The Good Lord will sort them out.

Dusty kicked up warning me of the impending danger. I could of smelled them a mile back, the stench of men living off the land wasn't hard to recognize. I was just waiting to see what they would do. Gently I patted Dusty reassuring him everything was ok. It seemed to be about three possibly four of them.

One was on the hill in the distance most likely the look out. The mirror signals to his crew gave his position away. From that distance he would have to be a Damn good marksman to hit me, so I didn't have to worry about him for to long. As for the rest of the group they were ahead ready for the ambush. It was too early in the day for this, yet this could make my job here much easier.

The best prey you can hunt is the one that hunts you. I won't have to go looking for them they will come looking for me. Dusty slowed his trot as, The trail up ahead was blocked with some logs and debris. He snorted showing his angst for the situation. I patted his neck and told him push forward.

Before Dusty took two steps three bandits jumped out. He halted and I put my hands up.
"Good afternoon gentleman, you wouldn't happen to know Jesus would you." I asked watching them closely.
"Naw preacher man, can't say that I do" the bandit to my right said.

He was about five feet nine inches. His white skin had been tanned from the Oregon sun. He wore a brown jacket that looked like, it had seen better days. the white shirt he wore under it was dingy and wrinkled. The bottom of his black pants were covered in mud. The black boots he wore had dirt caked over them. It seemed as if these men had been camped out here for a few days. Most likely waiting for some traveler to come along.

"Let's skin him and roast 'em, zed... I ain't ever had preacher before. I bet he take good care of his body." The second bandit on my right said.

He kept tossing his knife from hand to hand, while Moving from side to side with angst, just watching me with that hungered look in his eyes. Over my life on this earth I've seen it countless times. Living in the wild sometimes forces you to become wild. When your crops get ruined and you have slaughtered your cow and chickens. When the neighbors have too and you then start to look at each other. Once one person dies that feeds the hunger and settles tensions. Yet how long can a wild man go without eating?

"Easy spit's.... we're just here to welcome him to town. If he is naughty though maybe Rich will let you have him..... what's in the sack preacher man?" The bandit in front of Dusty asked walking up keeping his gun trained on me.

His trench coat blew in the wind as dusty brayed. I patted his neck to assure him everything was ok. The man walked next to us and opened up my satchel. He reached in and pulled out a bible. Clutching it in his hand he rummaged some more through my pack. Realizing it was filled with more bibles. He closed it angrily and stepped back.

Looking at his comrades he grinned and nodes. They stepped back and gave me passage. Before Dusty could take two steps, out the corner of my eye. I saw the bandit to my right called Spits pull out his revolver. In a split second I shot him in his right chest. Dusty kicked the bandit they called Zed right in the chest, sending him toppling over into the brush. The third bandit to my left lunged at me and with a kick, I pushed him away and shot him dead center in his head. He looked at me with a look of surprise as his body collapsed on the floor.

Shots rang out kicking dust up from the floor. The shooter in the hills was trying to take me out. I gave Dusty a good kick and he took off down the path. Hoping over the debris with ease, that the bandits had put in our way. I headed straight for the bandit in the hills.

By my count he still had two shots left in his Marlin model 1895 big bore level action rifle. So he was either reloading right now or getting ready to take another crack at me. I pull dusty to a hard right just in time. the tree behind us exploded from a shot. He was right on top of the  ridge ahead, if my guess from where the shot came from was right. I got to the steep of the ridge and hopped off dusty.

I ducked behind a tree and reloaded my guns while I spoke.

"This doesn't have to end the same way your friends did!"
Silence.. I flipped my revolver's back in the chamber and cock them.
"You can be baptised and saved my son. You don't have to burn for what you've done."
"When we're done with you....you're gonna wish zed had got to you old man..... we're gonna mess you up reeeeaaallll bad"

The tree I was standing behind exploded behind my head. Pieces of wood chips flew all over the woods. I ran to the next tree and got a glimpse of the shooter. He was shooting the exact gun I had thought. He looked strung out and desperate. His eyes were almost sunk in with all the bags covering them.

Click...Click... the fool didn't reload I chuckled...

As if the devil was on my heals, I sprung from behind the tree charging at him. I fired two shots, as he threw down his gun and pulled out a pistol. The bandit ducked behind a tree and fired a shot in my direction.

"Your dead priest your dead you hear me!!!! you shot me in my bad leg you idiot, I can't feel a thing."

I come around the tree and shot the gun out his hand.

He screams in shock and pain.

Crumbling in a heap on the tree holding his now bloody hand. The only thing coming out his mouth was curse words and blood.

"What happened to your leg?"
"You shot me twice and ask about my leg, what bloody concern is it of yours priest?"
"Just curious.. but if we must get back straight to business. Where is the mountain man?"
"Ha ha ha you think I would tell you anything you crooked priest. Go to Hell.... "
"Well speaking of Hell. Do you want to repent your sins?"
"You old fool their is no God, if there was one, you think... you watching be bleed out right now please's him?"
"I am but a humble servant of the Lord. Trying to rid the earth of the evil that plaques it. You do have a point though, I must have mercy on my enemies."

I placed the revolver to his head and pulled the trigger as he spat blood on my shoes. Kneeling down and rummaging through his pockets. All he had was a dollar and thirty cents. His camp salvaged a few can goods and some ammo. I found a knapsack laying around and stuffed my finds in it.

I walk back over to the bandit and pull out my knife. With calm and fluid movements, the better half of his face comes off. A guy with a rugged beard was always hard to carve. It made my cuts look jagged and lacking skill. I didn't have the want nor time to shave this man. I wiped the blood on my knife off on his shirt, as I lifted his beard up to work around it.

From ear to ear even threw the hair, Always around the ears never behind. Come all the way around too paste and remind. I've been doing it so long that it has turned into almost poetry to me.

I'm usually my biggest critique though, I doubt any of the officials ever noticed. To me it was art though and I was mastering the craft. Each face had a story and look that would intrigue a real art enthusiast. The mona lisa was mundane compared to them. The officials usually handed over the bounty money, and got me out as fast as they could. I could only imagine what they said about me when I was gone.

I've built a name and reputation for myself though over the years. I always get my man and I only bring there face unless their alive.
I pulled a tissue out my pocket, and placed his face inside it then tucking it back away. Within a few moments of me whistling dusty was at my side. I mounted him and rode back to the the bandits from earlier.

Once I had rummaged through their camp and added it what was in the knapsack. I got to the business of skinning them. Before long I walked back over to Dusty and pulled a binder out from his pack. I opened it up and flipped the crisp white papers. Four faces greeted me from earlier in my journey. I didn't have time to talk to them now though. The mid day Sun was approaching and I wanted to get into town before dark.

The walk back towards the three bandits laying side by, felt refreshing and humbled me. Walking to the front of their heads I knelt back down, and just watched their three faces trying to take in the moment before the change.I flipped to a blank page and peeled back the thin plastic covering it.

With as much care as I could muster I placed the first bandit they called Snits face onto the sheet. The plastic cover went over and I ran my hand over it smoothing the plastic out. Zed was next in the order of death. When Dusty kicked him he fell over and broke his neck. The next nameless bandit went in. I pulled the tissue out my pants and placed the final bandit on his page. The smoothing of his plastic cover seem to take the longest, as I mentally prepared myself to close my Book of Bounties.

With a thump I slammed the book and took a breath. Once I caught my wind I began to pray for those condemned men in my book. For the people they hurt and families that sill cry for their loved ones. The strength to continue on my mission and the guidance to make it back home.

The wind was rushing past us as dusty took off full Sprint toward the town.The mid day Sun beat down on us as we finally entered the town. Dirt and tumbleweeds were the only thing out to get us. It seemed as if the town was deserted. Many of the buildings on the main strip seemed to be riddled with bullet holes. I must be in the right place then I thought to myself.

The general store that was next to what seemed to be the sheriff office. Looked as if business had been pretty slow. The shop keeper was inside sweeping his floor. He looked up and gave me a nod before he continued what he was doing.I would have to get some basic supplies soon. I figured I would introduce myself once I got settled in. It seemed as if this town hadn't had a sheriff in a long time by the looks of it. Cobb webs covered the jail bars and Windows. The rocking chair that sat out in front didn't look any better.  These bandits had certainly done a number on this town.

The saloon in the center of the town had two other horses standing outside. I rode Dusty up and hopped off of him. The water bucket in front of the horse post didn't look to bad. It seemed a bit dingy but otherwise safe to drink. As I tied dusty up he began to drink. I'm sure he must of been thirsty, since I was pretty parched myself.

I pushed open the saloon doors and took off my hat. Most of the laughing and drinking stopped as I made my way to the bar. You would of thought I was a ghost come back. The way people watched me from their seats. The older gentlemen on the piano must of noticed a change in the rooms vibe, because even he stopped playing and turned to watch me. Before I could say a word the bartender put her hand up.

"A Jerry!! if I have to work so do you.... What are all of you looking at you never seen a priest before, Marty maybe he can talk to the big guy upstairs and you'll finally win a game of Egyptian Rat Screw?"

The whole bar began to laugh and the music started back. Marty at the card table began to say something but one of his mates, slapped him on the back really hard laughing in his face. Marty cut the bartender a side eye and began to laugh. I looked back at the bartender to catch her examining me. 

"Must of been one Hell of a journey, what brings you to this speck of the world?"
"I move in the direction the great Lord sends me"
"Right!!......really I don't want any trouble. So if that's what your going to do just head backout."
"I just want a comfy place to rest my head and put some food in my belly. I'll be gone in two days no more no less."

"Well you might want to get cleaned up before Rich sees you!... the room cost fifty cents a night. You can stay in the far left room to the end of the hall upstairs. There are two bathrooms on each floor, there is an out house out back.  Breakfast starts at 7 sharp and ends at 9 sharp. Now off with you and do as I say priest?" She said sliding me a key from across the bar.
"Who is this rich guy?" I asked sheepishly

Her eyes burned through me and I knew she already knew who I was, if no one else in the bar did.

"Two days no trouble right priest... now go on with you I got work to do... I'll send me girl up to check on you in a moment."

Her demeanor and body tone got firm and assertive while she looked me dead in the eyes. This didn't seem like the time to push her for information. It seemed she already knew what I came here for. I nodded to her and walked to the stair well in order to find my room.

As I unlocked the door and stepped in. The fragrance of a women's perfume filled my nose. It had been so long since I was in a civilized establishment. The past few months getting here were spent with Dusty and my tent. Nothing but the earth beneath me and the stars above me.

The room had a bed with fresh white sheets on them. A cabinet filled with linen and toiletries on its three shelves.  An office table with names etched into the wood. A four shelf dresser with a mirror was next to the cabinet.

I stepped in and dropped all my stuff on the floor. The image in the dresser mirror caught my attention. I see now why the bartender was so worried about my appearance. My clothes were filthy and covered in blood that clearly wasn't mines. I began to peel them off and stopped to stare at my own scars. All the years of hunting down these doomed men had taken its toll on my body. Stiches and healed bullet wounds wrapped my body like tattoos.

In some wounds I could still feel pieces of the bullets or what was left of them. When it rained I almost relived every experience. The pain could be more mental than physical during those rainy day's. Those are the nights I really love my girl back home. No matter how dark the night got. She could make everything alright. I tried to not look at mirrors or worry about my appearance anymore. I'm far from my prime and I never was Much of a looker.

"Sir would you like me to bring you up a drink or will you be joining us back downstairs....eekk?" The help asked before she shrieked and turned around apologizing.

Before her was my nude body of scars. I'm not surprised she was repulsed by what she saw. The poor girl probably heard stories of men like me. I'm sure of the patrons that visit a few had scars but to this extreme, I highly doubted it.

"I'm sorry to frighten you child allow me to cover myself"
"No it's my fault Mrs.cherry keeps telling me to knock before I enter"
"Well I'm sure that would save you from allot of awkward moments, such as this"

She was about five foot' three inches and slim as paper. I could tell she stayed in this saloon mostly from her pale skin. The doe faced look she gave me told me she was still quite young. I guessed maybe sixteen or fifteen. The way she called the bartender Mrs cherry told me they weren't related. Most likely the girl was an orphan picked up, and raised the best you can given the situation of the world.

"That is true sir and I'll do my best to stick to that. You didn't answer my question though and Mrs cherry said you had clothes to be cleaned."
"Well yes I guess I do. You can take those clothes on the floor and the ones in that knapsack closest too you. I'll be having my drink here in my room. But tell Mrs. Cherry I'll be seeing her first thing for breakfast. Take a dollar for your tip out the bag as well"
"What did you want to drink?"
"I'll have a bottle of brandy or cognac which ever she carries, take that and what I owe her for the two days out the money as well. now I'm going to take a shower and I expect next time you come in. You will be knocking"
"Of course sir right away sir."

The girl wanted to turn around and look at me. I could feel how anxious the curiosity was making her. Yet she stood respectful and faced the door. Turning just enough to utter her responses.

"What is your name?"
"Gabriel sir"
"Hopefully next time I see you Gabriel you'll actually get to look me in the face"
"Yes sir Mrs cherry says your a priest. I've never met a priest before. I do hope so as well"

With that Gabriel was off and closing my door behind her. I couldn't help but laugh a bit at the awkwardness. It seemed this town was in need of some liberation from the tyranny they were under. Before that could happen for them though I needed to access the situation. I still had no clue were rich "The Mountain Man" James and the rest of his crew were hiding.

I walked over to a cabinet in the room and grabbed a towel from the neatly folded pile. The row above it held wash cloths and above that a jar half filled with bars of soap. After wrapping the towel around my waist and securing it, a wash cloth was grabbed by my left hand. A bar of the plain white soap was in my right.

The bathroom was intricately designed and looked too be well kept. The white marble had red Lily flowers etched into them. The shower curtain was a depiction of a great army fighting a red Dragon. I guess Mrs cherry has a thing for the Asian culture. Once that water hit my skin I felt transported away. The bounty money, the gangs or where I was didn't matter.  It just felt so good to be getting clean.

The blood being washed off of me swirled down the drain. Some of it had already dried up on me so I had to scrub a bit harder. Then I thought about Gabriel trying to scrub all that blood out those clothes. Poor girl was really gonna work for that tip these next few days.

After rinsing my hair out for the third time and feeling positive no more blood was in it. I turned the shower off and grabbed my towel. It didn't take me long before I was dry and in a fresh uniform. As I sat down at the office table with my Book of Bounties in front of me. A knock came to my door.
"Enter"
"Sir here is your cognac and your clothes will be ready before the start of breakfast."

Gabriel was carrying a tray with a bottle of cognac, a pitcher of ice and a glass cup. She placed them on the table and glimpsed intensely at my blank big black book. I already knew what she was gonna say before she said it.
"That's a weird looking bible mister... where are the words on the cover?"
"Is not a bible.. and I would appreciate if you would not trouble it while I'm gone" I said before I could cut her off.
"O I would never snoop in your personal sir"

I realize my comment hurt and offended her which wasn't my intent.
"It's just a very private book I meant no disrespect with my bluntness."
"I see... well I will be going, and leaving you to your business."

The sound of gun shots and men yelling filled the mid day air. I could tell they were coming from a distance but getting closer. Gabriel began to freeze up and just looked east at the wall. I took it that's where they usually came from before they wrecked havoc in town.

"That's Rich I'm guessing?"

Gabriel didn't even say anything. She just shook her head in agreement. Her body was trembling from fear I could see.

"Are you going to be ok?"
"Yes I just need to get down stairs. The bastard gets antsy when he doesn't see me. One day I'm going to kill him."
"Why would you want to do that?"
"He killed my parents five years ago. They tried to stand up for this town. No one even spoke up for them. They've just let this maniac run over everyone. I'll put an end to him though... one day... I swear." Gabriel said clutching her fist.
"A young girl like you shouldn't hold such hatred in your heart. Before you go to bed come visit me and we shall pray for the Lord to heal your heart"
"I would rather him rid us of the Mountain Gang and give me the courage to pull the trigger"

Gabriel gave a deep sigh and apologized for her outburst. She turned and walked back out the door closing it behind herself. I grabbed the bottle and uncorked it. The aroma caressed my nose as I swished the bottle. Three ice cubes fell in my glass and I covered them with the cognac.

I took a sip of my drink just as the Mountain Gang rode up to the saloon. They fired shots from their revolvers into the air. They entered as if they owned the bar. I slowly crept out my room to watch the gang first hand.

The patrons already in the bar had cleared out the corner. It seems Rich had a a normal seat and no-one was going to keep it from him. He sat down surrounded by his cronies.
"Gabriel... where is Gabriel?" Rich screamed
"Martha get the girl...don't you see this man is thirsty." A lackey with a big gut and huge mouth smoking a cigar sitting to his right said.

Martha said nothing she just rang the bell behind the bar. A moment later Gabriel meekly came from the back. She took the tray that sat to the side of Martha, without uttering a word. Placing it on rich's table she tried to walk away. He grabbed her and pulled Gabriel into his lap. She put up a struggle but nothing that would upset him.

All the cronies laughed as Gabriel struggled to get from his grips.
"That's enough Rich, this is a saloon not a fun girl motel"
"I'm gonna marry this girl some day Martha. We are just having a little fun, no harm done"

Gabriel got up and brushed off Rich's embrace. Before she could fully get away, Rich gave her a hard smack on her ass. With a jump Gabriel quickly walked off.  She looked up and our eyes met. I could feel the shame and anger that coursed through her, by that slight glance. Without a word she went back to the bar to get more pitchers. Two trips the poor girl made back to there table making sure all the cronies were taken care of.

I stood in the shadows just watching and taking it all in. Seven men at the table and ten bounties in my pocket. It seems Rich has been growing his gang, My work was almost complete now and after they had their fill. I could follow them to their hide out and end this sharaid.

Before I could turn to walk back to my room. The doors of the saloon burst open and a man rushed in it out of breath. He looked as if he had seen death and got away with his life. I knew before the man reached Rich what he was going to tell him. They had discovered the bodies of the four bandits from earlier.

"What!?" Rich said

Upon his outburst the music stopped once again, and everyone in the saloon watched him . Rich jumped up and walked over to the counter, he ran his fingers through his dirty blonde hair. He stepped on a stool and stood up onto the bar. Watching everyone as they watched him, and waited to hear what he was going to stay.

Without saying a word Rich starred to kick everything off the counter. Mugs broke and shattered glass went flying every where. Martha took a step back and just held herself while her head hung low. She slowly looked up at me and then back to the floor. My hands started to tighten into a fist as I watched the spectacle.

" Four of my men are dead and not only are they dead but guess what... their missing their faces.... so who wants to tell me something I don't know... who wants to tell me what happened to my men?"

The room was silent not even the floor boards creeked.

"So.... don't everybody talk at once... Maybe that was to complex of a question. Let's make it simpler. Did anyone see anything strange or anyone New today?"

Rich grabbed a glass off the counter and threw it to the ground breaking it into a million pieces.

"So four people I cared about died today, and were mutilated!!!! So nobody saw or heard a God Damn thing!!!!"

Rich paced the bar now growing more impatient by the step. He suddenly stopped and turned to face Marty. With a point and snap of his fingers, two cronies grabbed Marty and brought him to the bar.

"Marty Marty Marty.... your the town's barber. Don't I treat you good, don't I tip you every time you clean me up?"
"Yes Mr James yes.. yes... yes sir you do" Marty said starting to stutter, exposing his speech impediment.
"So if I treat you so good, why do you treat me so wrong...Marty?" Rich asked dropping to sit on the edge of the bar. He gripped a handful of Marty's hair and pulled him close.
"I worked all day then came to play cards... you know I don't give you no trouble Mr James, I ain't seen not... not... nothing strange or we... wei...weird all day except."

Marty took a deep pause as he realized what he was about to say. Rich must of caught on as well because before Marty could start talking again. He pulled out a switch blade and put it to Marty's neck.

"Now Marty we've known each other for years now. Your the only barber for miles around. I would hate..hate...hate for something to happen to you. Yet I also have my own family to be concerned about. Four dead brothers is nothing to wince over. Now if I look like I'm going soft or don't care about their well being.... Well it would be real easy for me to be the one with a knife against my neck. So for the sake of your well being. Please speak freely and honestly.... do you need me to repeat the question?"

"No Mr James you don't and like I said I don't want any issues. A priest came in earlier that was all just a priest."

"A PRIEST?"
"Yes.....Yes.... Mr.....Mr.... James.... just a priest..... I swear!"

"So where is this priest now?"

"I am right here... Mr James is that correct?"

I step out from behind the wall and look Rich "The Mountain Man" James dead in his eyes. I scan the room giving it a once over. The tension was thick enough to cut in the air. Every step I made seemed to echo off the walls.

"Most call me The Mountain Man but the law calls me James, Rich James to be exact and who might you be?"
"I am just a humble servant of the Lord from Yucatan. My archbishop calls me bishop"

The room stayed quiet as I made my way towards the mountain man. The cronies let go of marty and he ran back to his seat.  Our banter continued up until we were face to face. I had my revolver tucked under my uniform and was prepared to shoot it out if it came to it. From the corner of my eye. I see the barrel of a pistol poking a bit out of the wall. It was shaking even being pushed through such a tight space. I knew it could be only one person behind that gun. Gabriel was going to get us all killed for her vengeance.

I quickly side stepped to Rich's right side, blocking Gabriel's shot hoping she would get the hint. With a glance I could see Rich felt un easy with that move. I knocked on the bar twice and motioned for Martha to give us two shots. With my eyes I motioned to the hole in the wall Gabriel was pointing the gun from.

"Could I get a bottle of your finest Cognac for Mr James please and put it on my tab,Martha please" I said then turned back to the self pro claimed Mountain Man. "I hear you lost some men today. I would be more then happy to perform the burial for them"

"Well look at what we have here, I haven't seen a priest in this town since we showed up what five or six years ago"
"Well then your over due for a confession. How about after the burial we have a session?"
"Ha ha ha ha. Kraus ... you heard what the priest just asked me to do? I don't sit in boxes and talk to men anymore. I had enough of that in prison. You come see me in the morning. If your gonna stay in this town, you gonna learn some of the rules!"

Mr Rich "The Mountain Man" gave me directions on where to meet them for the burial tomorrow. A plan which we both knew was a set up. I'm sure he realized who I was or he knew I was the one to kill his men. Either way he was not willing to risk having a shoot out at the moment.

It took a few minutes but Gabriel brought out the bottle. She looked as if she had been crying and was still shaking a bit. Now standing in front of the wide grinned Rich. That fear and angst she had was no more. I quickly took the tray out her hand and placed it on the counter. After a quick thanks I bid her goodnight as to get her away from him as quickly as possible, without causing a commotion.

Rich graciously took the bottle snapped his fingers and walked back to his table. The two cronies standing there turned and followed him. I recognized both of them, they were the Sneed brothers Orville and klause. Both were wanted for murder in at least 3 states prior to Oregon.

Looking around his table now more closely. Johnny bones, Marco "styles" Rodriguez, Danny "one tooth" Jones, David "the executioner" Smith and last but not least Chris "big time" Robinson. The other guys I didn't know as of yet but I'm sure they weren't good guys. I would know for certain tomorrow when I was placing them in my Book of Bounties.

With a tap on the shoulders the pianist began to play again. I retired back to my room and climbed into the bed. Something told me I was not going to get much sleep tonight. Before long though I must of dozed off, a knock at the door awoke me. I jumped up with both my pistols aimed at the door.
"Who is it?"
"Martha"
"Come in its open!"

Martha walked in and closed the door behind herself. She sat at the edge of my bed and let out a sigh of relief. In silence I waited for what she was going to say.

"You promised me no trouble for two days, I know who you are priest. Gabriel is a very angry girl. What you did for her today I have no words for. I've tried to show her vengeance solves nothing. Yet in such a hopeless town you must have something to look forward too. I came here to tell you thank you"

I quietly got off the bed and continued talking. Slowly creeping towards the door. With one swift tug I pulled opened the door and Gabriel fell on my floor. She quickly got up with tears in her eyes, and bound on me punching and beating my chest screaming.

Martha stood up quickly as to take action but I raised my hand for her to wait. This was a moment Gabriel needed. Once i felt the punches starting to slow up. Gabriel was wrapped in a massive bear hug. She stopped fighting and just continued sobbing.

"It's not fair, you have no right to come here and kill him. He is suppose to die by hands not yours. I hate you priest, I hate you. I've waited and wasted so much time. I had him in my eye last night. I could of rid the world of Rich James"
"My child the burden of murder is not to be bore alone, especially by such a young soul. After what I saw tonight. You've had multiple chances but in your heart you know it's not right. Just let me take care of it for you"

I looked at  Martha and she was standing holding her mouth with tears coming down her eyes. I motioned for her to come join our group hug and she did. I prayed again for the saloon and the future prosperity of their town.

I'm not sure how long we stood holding each other. When we were done though my shirt was covered in snot and tears. Martha pulled a towel from my shelf and handed it to Gabriel to wipe her face. She grabbed her hand and lead Gabriel out the room still  sniffling.

"Good luck... to you priest" Martha said closing the door behind herself.

I sat back on my bed thinking about what was really going to have to happen tomorrow. Was rich trying to take me out or did he legit want his men to have a proper burial. I would know soon enough in a few hours. I got up and went downstairs to Dusty. I untied him and took off at a casual trot towards the mountain range.

If I was lucky it would be early enough the look outs would be dosing. I could survey the area as best I could tonight. Maybe even set up a few traps to help out. As I road and thought I began to pull vines off the near by trees and started making a pseudo rope. I wouldn't have long to set this up and get back for breakfast as not to be noticed.

I spotted their hide out up the mountain by the smoke billowing out their chimney. The directions rich gave me were exactly to the house. Fifty feet away I paused and began circling the house. It was a mini mansion in the middle of the woods. From what I learned this was where Gabriel use to live. Her grand parents founded this town years ago.

Now I was circling the mansion trying to get as much information about it as I could. Fifty feet from the entrance I had placed my first trap. Towards the back I placed another one. Their horses were in stalls in the barn behind the house. One at a time I opened every gate and let the horses out through the back. I didn't have time for them to get caught in my trap or make a fuss and wake the bandits up.

With everything in place for my return I headed back down the mountain to find Dusty. We rode back into town and I went upstairs in the saloon to get ready.

As I opened my door, Gabriel slammed my book closed on the office table. She turned around stunned and without words. Before she got to loud I spoke.

"I asked you not to go snoop. The things in there are not for the eyes of the innocent" I said taking the book and putting it back in my satchel.
"How could you do that to those men, is what the people say about you true? you killed all those men coming here?
"Yes I did. They are all wanted criminals Romans 14:4 says For he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer."

I walked back over to my satchel and grabbed her a bible out of it. I placed it in her hand and said a quiet prayer. Gabriel clutched that bible and apologized for the intrusion. She turned with a smile and left.

By the time I got out the shower and dressed the smell of bacon and eggs had filled the house. My stomach was growling and ready for some nourishment.

I made my way down stairs and sat at a table patiently. Before long Gabriel came out with a fresh pot of coffee and a mug for me. As I sat and enjoyed it. The Plate filled with bacon, eggs, sausage links and a biscuit. It all smelled so good I didn't know where to start. I just began to eat. Which Gabriel must of said something to Martha because before I could clean my plate. Gabriel was placing another one in front of me. She gave me a wink and refilled my coffee cup.

It has been so long since I actually had a real meal.  The concept of a full stomach almost seemed foreign to me. I pushed my chair back and leaned on its two back legs while I stroked my stomach. Finishing my cup of coffee seemed to clear up all the air that was in my stomach.

Before I left the saloon I took a dollar out of my pocket and placed it on the table. Gabriel came back out the back as I was pushing my chair back in. I put my finger over my mouth and gave her a wink before I placed my hat on my head and exited.

As I unhooked Dusty and was about to mount him. The saloon doors burst open and Gabriel came running out.

"Priest wait"
"How can I help you Gabriel?"

Gabriel pulled out a golden chain that was hidden under her dress. Dangling at the end of it was a gold crucifix. With speed she unhooked it and held it out in her hand for me.

"Now Ms Gabriel I couldn't take such a pretty necklace from you"
"Please it was my mother's, she gave it to me and told me it would always bring me luck, I think you need that luck more than I do now"

I couldn't seem to sway her and I was running behind. I dropped down and tilted my head so she could clasp it around my neck. I nodded with the brow of my hat and hopped on Dusty. As I road off I didn't look back because I knew she was still standing there watching.

The ride up the mountain felt allot better with some food in my belly. Yet I was beginning to get an uneasy feeling. The woods were eerily quiet. Way to quiet for this time of the morning. The bandits were already up and moving about. I'm sure they realized all their horses were gone. 

"Priest come on up" Rich shouted " you've been a busy boy over the night"

I halted Dusty and got off of him. Gave him a pat on the butt and he headed back down. Both of my revolvers were cocked and drawn. I stayed low to the ground and moved quickly, trying to locate them before they found me.

Boom. Boom. Pow Pow Pow.... the tree I was hiding behind got assaulted by bullets. I jumped from it and to the next tree. The Sneed brothers were both firing wildly in my direction. Orville has a shotgun and klause had a revolver. They stepped forward almost in sync with each other.

I looked around for a plan on how I could counter. Then I realized I had a trap set up to their right. I jumped up and ran to the right hoping they would follow and not pay attention. Which they did, Orville stepped right into the bear trap sending a shotgun slug into the air as he screamed in pain.

"You mother fucker I'll kill you priest. Look what you done did to my brother"
"Go get the bastard klause I'll get my own foot out"

As they bickered I swung around behind them. Klause turned around at the right time, the look of surprise on his face is going to be perfect in my book of bounties. I pulled the trigger and he fell to the floor. While Orville was screaming his name I put the revolver to his head and pulled the trigger. Two down a few more to go.

Bullets ricochet off the trees surrounding me. I ducked and jumped behind another tree. I pulled out my revolver and held them close. Ready for the next attack. Johnny bones, Marco and Jones were closing and they had the up hill advantage. The trip wire that I made out of vines was pretty far and at the angle they were coming I wasn't sure if the trap would catch them.

With a Sprint of desperation I ran to grab the vines on the floor. Bullets whizzed past me as I returned the fire. One of the bullets caught me in my leg and I began to stumble. I fell over close enough to roll to the trip wire and pull it. The log that was being held by the wire, dropped down with a sudden force. Marco stepped out the way just in time and laughed.

"Is that the best you got old man... Priest just give up your wounded and out numbered.... plus if I'm right Rich is at the saloon already. So even if you manage to stop us... those townies are all de..."

Before he could finish his last word the tree branch swung back and pierced him right in the chest. Using the distraction to my benefit. I shot Jones in the leg dropping him and gave Johnny bones a clean head shot. Jones lay howling on the floor holding his leg. As I limped Up to get closer. Jones started reaching for his gun. I shot him in the hand forcing him to drop the gun and grab his now wounded hand.

"You are no priest... your a demon"
"Do your wish to repent for your sins?"
"I wish we killed you in the saloon"

I put my revolver to his forhead and pulled the trigger. The blood splatters all over my face. I wiped it off and sat down next to him.  I ripped a section of his blood stained shirt off and start wrapping my wound. Good thing the bullet just grazed my leg. I could stitch that up later. As for now I need to get back to the saloon. Something tells me Gabriel will need her good luck charm.

I stood up and began my ritual with the bodies.   it didn't take more than half an hour to get all five faces. I whistled for Dusty and he came momentarily. Together we raced down the mountain back towards the town. I cursed myself every moment for being so stupid. How could I put those girls in danger?

It didn't take long for me and Dusty to ride into town. I jumped off and ran for the saloon doors. As I opened them I stopped dead in my tracks. Rich was holding Gabriel with his left arm around the neck and a gun to her head with his right hand.

Behind him Chris held Martha the same way. They were both grinning and laughing like they won already. Behind me David "the executioner" Smith stepped up and put his gun to my head. I dropped my two revolvers and kicked them toward Rich per his request. Was this really going to be the end of me? Outsmarted by a couple of petty gangsters.

No this was not the way it was going to end for me. looking at Gabriel shaking and Martha looking unfazed and angry. I flipped the gun from David's hand and put him in a head lock. Now I held the gun to his head.

"Priest let him go before this turns ugly" Rich said cocking his gun to Gabriel's temple.

I look at Gabriel straight in her eye and I look at Martha right after. It seems as if we're having a full conversation with only our eyes. I slap David with the butt of my gun and push him forward. Martha yelled now, and Gabriel stomped on Rich's toe hard as she could. Martha elbowed Chris a few times and broke free. The two women ran to each other and headed for the back. Before either of the bandits could fire a shot, I began dumping my clip onto them. Rich jumped behind the bar with Chris.

David started to get up and reach for my revolvers on the floor. I put a bullet in his head, flipped a table over and used it for cover. Rich and Chris jumped up from the counter and started dumping into the tables. The saloon was filled with gun smoke for a moment. Both Rich and Chris stood behind the bar waiting for the smoke to disapait.

With all the energy left in me I jumped up and filled them both with holes. Glass shards and bottles flew every where. Before Rich went down he fired off one more shot and it hit me in the chest. I flew back and landed on the floor. I looked at the ceiling and just started to laugh.

Imagine the man from Yucatan dying inside a saloon in Oregon. I guess I won't be keeping my promise to my gal back home. I reached up and pulled out the crucifix Gabriel put around my neck. Well I never believed in luck anyway I laughed, a bit of blood was coughed up with that laugh.

I wanted to get up and go find Dusty pack our bags and start to ride out. Yet I knew that was not going to happen. There was no doctor in this town. No one to save my ass this time. It had been a good run all these years. Always expected to go out trying to kill Bill Otowa. Guess that's not what the great creator had in mind.

From the corner of my eye I see a shadow rushing up to me. With the little bit of strength I had left. I grabbed my revolver which felt like it weighed a ton and brought to up. The trigger was already cocked now I just needed my target. I could hear the foot steps getting closer and heavier. Just as I was about to pull the trigger I heard the voice.

"Priest please don't leave me" Gabriel ran up and laid her head on my chest.

From the sigh of pain I let out I guess she realized she was squashing me. The tears from her eyes dropped into my face. A few fell into my mouth. I was so parched even with all the salt it was refreshing.

"Well looks like this is the end. Don't cry for me child. I have served my master to the best of my abilities. I have no regrets I'm ready to meet him. Thank you for the luck it really came in handy"

"Martha do something.... don't let him die please!!"

I hear them but I no longer see them. I'm riding Dusty now and the sun is setting on our back. My gal back home is waiting on our porch for me. Me and Dusty are so close, I reach out as if I could touch her. I'm kicking Dusty to hurry up I just need to touch her, one more time before I go. We never seem to be getting any closer to her though. I call her name but nothing comes out my mouth. I'm riding hard and screaming but she just stands there with her hand out smiling. Then everything fades to black.

I hear my name but it's not her voice.  I open my eyes to see Gabriel and Martha sitting next to me. I tried to move but I felt weighed down. My body was covered in bandages and I was back in the room I rented. Well I guess the creator still has a need for me.

"Your lucky you lost allot of blood but the bullet went straight through. We were able to patch you up but you won't be going anywhere for a few weeks."

"Well guess you ladies are stuck with me for a bit longer. I won't have the money to pay you till I cash these bounties."
"Don't worry about it you have done enough for us"

"Gabriel thank you for the luck when I can get up I'll give it back to you"

"No please keep it you saved my life and now I see you really need it more than I do"

Martha stood up and gave me a kiss on my cheek. She took Gabriel and left me to rest. Over the next few weeks I got my strength back. I got ready to head back home, Every night I dreamed about my girl back home. I thanked Martha and Gabriel for their hospitality and mounted Dusty