smoking challenge day 3

well today was an awesome day i felt so strong and stuck to my plan. i did falter once i got off work but i think a small stumble in the road to being smoke free is ok. i  think you have to be honest with yourself. cold turkey is not for the faint of heart. i also feel that having the self control to put off having a cigarette when its readily available is also a good step to be proud of. but i will say having the word on your mind really does help. i have been praying all day once i felt weak. yet keeping my mind occupied with other things also helps. i also got some sunflower seeds to help with the craving when im bored. i stood around my coworkers who all smoke and didn't have the urge to smoke with them or even be a part of it, its funny how usually i smoke by myself at work since i get their earlier then most people but today everyone seem to be smoking.

so my new routine consist of working out once i get off work. i did yoga today to help my back ache from work and i believe it helped. it is something new that i can get into and can keep me in shape. ive been told exercising is the best way to break a habit. im am super ready for tomorrow to see what the new quote will be.


the quote for today will be John 16:33  I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

i picked this quote because i am having so much troubles in my heart and mind lately. i need to be reminded that overcoming the world can be done. just cause we live in this world does not mean we have to be of the world. i need peace in my life right now and i need the lord to help with my temptaions not only of my habits but of the flesh.

smoking challenge day 2.5

ok so i finally picked a bible quote

1 Corinthians 10:13  No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

i picked this because it is a strong reminder to me about where i want to end up. i have had no appetite for the past two days. the withdrawal is always the hardest part. it always sends my body into weird changes and i believe quitting is a mental action. this quote just minds me that god does not give you anything you cant bear. he will not put you into a situation that you can not overcome. so now im looking for the way of escape that he is going to offer me. or i guess the self strength that he will put into me to overcome this habit

thoughts on depression

i was talking to a viewer the other day and he asked me what was my thoughts on depression. being a person who has suffered from it for my years of my life. i think i know alot about it and how to break its grasp over yourself. i will say that depression is a normal feeling that everyone will feel at some point in time in their life. weather its when you are young or when you get older. its just a basic fact that life happens and not all things in life are worth smiling over. some things can be very traumatizing and others could be uplifting.

the official definition of depression is  Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods.


webster defines it as  a state of feeling sad: a serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way
: a period of time in which there is little economic activity and many people do not have jobs


now personally i have felt depression in my areas of my life. as i feel i am always able to conquer any challenge. there has been many times in my life when i could not. there has been relationships that i have also felt i could of handled better. there has been life lessons that i was forced to learn due to my hardheadedness. all in all everything i believe happens for a reason. alot of these tragedies happened and as much as they hurt over time i pulled myself out of the dumps.

depression and breaking habits i believe are kinda in the same boat. when depressed you hurt yourself weather its by putting your own self esteem down, over eating/ emotionally eating or physically. the same can be said of bad habits weather it is smoking, over working or just biting your finger nails at the table.  you first have to come to a realization that what your doing is hurting you or affecting others. then you have to accept that you want to change. only when you accept that you want to change will you then have the will to want to change or to actually change.

i dont want to sound as a drone or like im superior to anyone since i know these things about myself and life. since right now im persoanlly going through both. i just broke out a relationship and im pretty sad but i know now is the time to pick myself up not loath in my sadness. this blog is an avenue for me to express myself and get out those tied down emotions out of myself. now for the habits i usually smoke after i eat breakfast. instead im here blogging and looking for things to enlighten my mind and keep myself productive. im again not saying that i should be looked up to or followed my path will not necessarily be the right path for you. i just want to share my experience and thoughts on it for anyone thinking of depression or feeling depressed.

i want to work in exercising into my workout once i get off work. i have a few yoga games on my wii that have been getting dusty.  i also think that you should find time for the word or at least prayer. for any problem you have you can always take to the lord in prayer.


on a side note i know depressions and bad habits can lead to thoughts of suicide. before i end this blog i would like to share a story. over the course of my life i have entertained that thought many times and even tried to go through with it many times. two or three weeks ago i was taking the train home. then all of a sudden we felt a bump on the train and it stopped. we sat on the train for like 10 mins before the conductor made us walk to the front of the train to get out. once we got off the train we found out a lady had jumped in front of the train. needless to say it killed her. now i have seen alot of death in my life but i could not bring myself to see her body under the train. which now im happy to not have that image branded into my mind. skipping forward i told my family what happened and even without knowing the woman they felt so sad for her. they also began praying for her family. some how that feeling of lose transferred to my sister, why????? i have no clue....... yet she felt the need to excessively tell me she loves me and would miss me if anything like that ever happened.


i say all of this not for your pity or for admiration but because never before in my life had i felt such a sense of love. it hurt me to think how selfish i would be to take my own life. it hurt to actually see how people would be affected. most of my life i had the view that life goes on ppl will be sad for a time but then they get over it. this woman jumping and my families reaction awoke a realization in me. people can get depressed from other people you can be contagious with your grief.this realization has made me want to do more in my life. it has given me a sense of purpose. a sense of self determination that i was lacking for a while.



well to my fan or favorite stan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope my thoughts were helpful. i hope that in the future we can all make huge steps to end depression and drop suicide rates in america

and keep checking the page out and share it with your friends

smoking challenge day 2

well yesterday went well. i managed to control my urges until early this morning. when i smoked one. so i went to work this morning and got there to find out. that we dont work days after holidays. so i rode all the way back home which turned out to be a 5hr round trip for me. smh what can you do though. well i also realized that i had no quote to wrap my mind around. i guess i could of said the lords prayer over and over again. yet i did not i caved and honestly the first day is always the hardest so a slip isnt the worst thing to come out of it. i could of bought a pack and indulged myself.

i woke up this morning and feel refreshed though. usually once i wake up i smoke and then make breakfast. i believe the way to break a habit is it have something in place of that habit. so my new habit will be updating this blog and staying on track to reach my goal. i will have a quote today once i get some food in my stomach. i have been trying to think of a good topic for this week to focus on. i was thinking discipline,or faith or strength. i will read the word this morning and hopefully pick

no love

you searched your heart
to find love and longing
not there so what was?
regret and shame
im just pondering my brain

i search my brain and ease the pain
who wants a man that so emotional
i feed myself those lines
time after time
who wants someone
that wants to be together forever
but cant handle a month

i know my heart and i know yours
through the love of god and time
things will be fine
your a perfect girl
im just a horrible guy
with low esteem and loves to deep

i scared you away and im to blame
self control was suppose to be my name
now look im to blame
i lacked and i lost
but my heart won't bust
its growing stronger and stronger

even though you wont speak no words
i can feel your tears
i can feel your fears
i am feeling you thinking of me as i think of you
at least i hope
cause i cant believe your honest words

or maybe im insane
maybe you never thought of me
maybe i am just all for you
your poetic word are like codes
im trying to decipher
but were always lost in translation
i have more questions then before
but now is the time for control

challenge once more day1

ive come to a point in my life where i realize my lifestyle hurts me more then anything. i want to quit smoking and for good this time. i realize i have missed out on alot of things just going to get smoke or spending money i dont need to just for the buzz. as i am getting older i think it is time to put a stand against my addiction. i also hoping that this step in discipline with also help me build my self control in other areas of life. as well as get my emotional state in order. so i will try this 14 day challenge again. this time ill add some bible quotes to hold on to mentally. i figure what better day to begin then labor day. so wish me luck. since i have no work today this shouldn't be that today. no tomorrow will be my real challenge.

The basement dweller

my mind is filled with
references of books no one reads
bright futures that no one sees
sad tales of lives that could not be

potential wasted away
hiding from the sun and fun
angered by instability
with a new passion burning inside of me
working hard but not enough
my goals seem to avoid me

constantly jumping from here to there
i want an anchor from my life
i want to come home to my wife
i want a fight my demons
and pave my future

basement dwelling
i wanted to be alone in my mind
this position is to familiar to me
im a bum no one should be with me
i can do this not cant do that
shes trapped and im stuck
i said it before she loves her work more then she loves me\
honestly at 20 i would love my work to way more then me
im a basement dweller there no hope for me