Leave it here

I can't say it too your face
So ill just leave it here
I cant stomach the words
Or wanna see the pain
In your eyes
So ill just leave it here

I got pain in my heart
It brings me down
Way past the ground
I've smoked and not heard a sound
I'm back to buying product and gin
Hunting pyt's only for the win
Take them out for a spin
Give them a little din
Then it's my turn to dig in
Fill their holes and corrupt their souls

Women circle my life
Fill it with smiles and strife
Ive been down and living life
A new emotional rollercoaster
Every week and other month
I can't say it out loud
So ill just leave it here

My loves taken for granted
My funds get used with no reprieve
who listens when i grieve
A clowns suicide rants
Entertain the masses
And they applaud his cries

Im ashamed to say
How many matching tats I got
With woman ive been put on perma block
waking to find your stocks dropped
I cant even call them to talk about my day
My loves been denied and turned away

We flew to a foreign island
Just to argue on the beach
Coronas and weed just in between
Took pictures with smiles
Just too argue about making it look real
Yet it wasn't that day my heart took sail
The wind blew when cabin doors closed
I got tired of playing house
We didn't even sit on the same side
Me and the flight attendants
laughed and joked just too mask my hurt

Every holiday was a new plan
From this house to that one
We both miles on the road
Just to feel each others warm embrace
I wrote insecurities and put it to the public
For the public feelings you made me show
Can you still taste the bitterness
That comes in between the lines?
I'm still confused and trying to figure it out
I showed you game and you ran it on me
The snow globe shattered and fell
The porcelain house cracked in half
The tsunami of water rippled time
The snow left my heart cold
I want too hold your neck
And do things that won't be told

My latest love proclaims her love
Yet it's never enough to keep her here
Every wrong word and she's out the door
My heart can't bear it anymore
Such pain from the one i adore

Where is the love when i need it
When will they see me for who i am
Realize my loves not a sham
This isn't a Nigerian scam
Im writing in my journals like stan
Ready to just say fuck the plan
This will be my last stand
All these emotions i can't understand

The precipice of love

Three years you held him
I sat in jail with no mail
Locked down on the tier with no bail
Up the river without a sail
Rethinking, overthinking, 
replaying, regretting
The decisions I made
Only to have you back
For over a year
Every other night we shed tears
You threatened to throw
My dog off the banister
Kick him down the stairs
Exploiting all my parenting fears

I waited years and held out hope
Took my life down a slippery slope
Drank until I made myself broke
Couldn't eat but had time to smoke
I mixed drugs and depression
In the hopes of completion
Combining my body, mind and soul
The mending of my heart never came
My books got finished
Pages were read in anticipation

Only too find a black queen
That I thought deserved my heart

We drove over twelve hours
just to meet your parents
Wasted your gas and time
You shared all your insecurities
Just too dump me in Birmingham
On the curb because you loved me
We watched heat
And you told me not to live like that
How you turn and do that?

I had a girl who subbed to my blog
Bought my books and got them signed
We use to argue about
her never getting mentioned
how she was real compared to my stories
The love she gave was genuine
Im sure she didn't expect
Her name to come up like this

I told her bring some juice
I got the sin enough for too
Even when you exclude me
This shouldn't be nothing new
Ive been so lonely
Ive forgotten my worth
Once or twice
Ive been so horny
Ive forgotten my morals
Two times to many