Liberation fears

I've picked out my clothes
They lay in my bed
Waiting to be filled by my body
I've said my goodbyes
Told those I was proud
Never let my mistakes
Fuel your future failures
Learn from my mistakes

My brain is just messed up
I've tried so next times to fail
This time though will be real
This time I'll get it right
Once things come together

I fear leaving them alone
They need my guidance
They need my support
But I can't live for them and me
On the edge of tears
With a smile on my face
Mental breakdown for sure

Drinking just to drink
My head hurts
My lungs burn
But I'm still going
Like the engine that could
Waiting patiently for my liberation

Strong women

For the past year
I've let God happen everything for me
They don't need me
It arouses me
We go out to eat
She ready to get the check

They want to take me everywhere
Treat me like a prize bull
Make me question my manhood
They just have it so together
I'm here struggling
They tell me don't worry
Baby I got you

They keep me nervous
I'm so indecisive
If I mess up who will be my replacement
Will they look back
Think about me at night
They rock me to sleep
One even tucked me in

I'm out with the homies
There at work
Making there chedder
Paying bills still finding
Time to please me
They go school work
Still have dinner ready by 8

I love the feeling
Being the king of the jungle
My pride is so strong
What a sad
Play on words
I wanna love them
All these sexy momma's

Have I found my soul mate
Or is this another fling
Can we grow with each other
Why would they want
This emotional rollercoaster
That I'm on

They don't need me
They want me
Makes me feel special
Like I'm the only one
I pray I return the feeling

Lies out my mouth

Stay with me
He'll never hurt you again
I'll be here for you
You don't have to cry
Look into my eyes
I'll be here for you

She felt so safe in my warm embrace
Turned her phone off
From the constant calls
The paragraph texts
Just to sleep
Swearing she never wants
To wake up again
So happy that she got me as a friend

Now were kissing and holding each other
I work my way down her chest
She wraps her legs around my head
Pushing my face deeper
Crying and moaning
Pulls me back up to kiss me
Says I love you

I tell her I love her too
My heart hurts
I know I'm incapable of such things
Weeks past the joy fades
Shes like why does this keep happening
Breaks my heart
I've lost another friend
Cause of my lust full ways

She wants to know
If anything was true
If we're really through
I don't love you
I have to tell her
Why of all people
Why it gotta be you
To do this to me
I cant answer her questions
For once I got no response

I can see the pain
In her blue eyes
I can hear the hurt in her words
Just another heart I've broken
She trusted me
Now look what I've done
Another friend lost
Another man's arms she runs to
The cycle just continues
Cause of the lies out my mouth

Half man half amazing

When you read this
Picture me standing
In the rain
Yelling at God
With all my strength
The Rain drops filling my mouth
Are Enough to drown me

If I was half the man
That everyone makes me out to be
I would really be proud
But every other night
I'm in a dark room
Fighting demons that fill my soul
A bottle or a beer
Is never far away
I gave up the weed
I'm To grown to smoke seeds
Yet I'm Sniffing it every where I go
Wishing to be immature again

If I was so amazing
Why don't black girls love me
Why must I chase skirts
Outside my race
Just to feel love and acceptance
I've been counted out
Cause of the knowledge in my head
Cause of the way I talk now
Things I cant change
Cause I'm chasing success
But still stuck in a dead end job

I been dealing with
Depression since an adolescence
Ace said he loved me like a brother
Picked them over me
Wouldn't answer my calls
Cause I needed tough love
I've been shunned and humiliated
By my loved ones and peers
Turn down by girls
Who swear they loved me
When I needed them the most

I've traveled the world
Done so much
In such a short time
It's funny fame still avoid's me
It's understandable though
Who needs another kurt cobain
Standing in the world's eye
Who wants a poor and broken soul

Breaking the rules

She know my history
She knows my heart
I let her see my soul

I'm caught in my feelings
The emotions are overwhelming
The devil is chasing me
I consistently look over my shoulder
Not for the cops
But for the shadow that creeps
Waiting for me to be alone
So he can whisper in my ear
Fill my head with anger
Fill my soul with regret

They hate me and I know it
I've been to blessed over the years
I've done to much
In my short lifetime
But I haven't done enough

He wants me
To fight for his army
Flaming swords and wings
Charging the gates of heaven
The marines didn't want me
But he knows my potential
He knows my strength

Fuck the fame ands success
I know your heart
I'll give you true immortality
He tells me
I blow him off my shoulder
But my lungs get weak
My body and heart
Feel the same
To much pressure on my shoulders

Punching the air
Like a karate exercise
Shadow boxing an enemy
No one but me can see
The count downs begun
Liberate me from this disease
Spinning the barrel
With a tear in my eye

Tell the truth before its over
Clear your heart and go
Running to the white light
Like a track star
I'm ready and still got my smile
They will be fine
Life goes on
For sure

Right or wrong/my toy v2

My new toys game has changed
The fear becomes real
The decisions become stale
Playing in my brain
Day by day
Be a vegetable or liberate
In the joy of liberation
No more pain or heartbreak
No more worries or games
Shall I play Or continue
down this dreary road
Living day to day the same
Looking for love
Living just enough

Play to fast and dream forever
In a comatose state
Play just right
Trying for the liberate
Success should be my fate
Me and freedom have a date
Don't play at all
Stay in a miserable state
I'm too old to flip coins
Too afraid to join
My grandfather at this time

Liberation is my goal
My toys voice calls
It's shine mesmerizes me
It's spin seduces me
It's worse then
The demon in the bottle
I lust for the feeling
I need the love
I want it's warm embrace
I want my liberation

bottled demons

People feel like
The glass pipe took my life
When in fact
It was this
Glass bottle
That they make commercials for
Promote on every airwaves
Pump into your brain
That it's safer then crack

I never seen a crack head get a dui
Or wake up
With a chick they
Never remembered meeting
Cause you can't sleep on crack
This glass demon
Gives me the shakes
Makes me angry for no reason
The worst withdrawal systems
Since heroin hit the veins
Leaves me in pain
Cause I drink more then I eat
Sleep more then I stand on my feet

This bottled demons comes
In so many shapes and taste
It's easy to creep up
Cause what's one drink
That turns into three
Which turns into five am
Now we've broken day
I'm afraid of my reflection
My blood shot eyes
Starring back at me

My idle

Ace made thousands
I made hundreds
Blew more on
Liquor and girls
Then I'm proud to say

Cboy made thousands
I made hundreds
Kept the guns
Just to stunt
Living wild and free
Burning gas down linden
Spinning through the 90's
Like what up
Where the beef

Ace put me on
I held him down
Working the phones
Spinning the blocks
To keep up with him
Trying to make it work
Just for him to be proud

I look up to them like God's
I felt like a demi God
I kept more girls in my phone
But my numbers never added up
Hercules climbing mount Olympus
Fighting the drugs and liquor

Looking up to them
From the mountain bottom
Trying to keep my head above water
Sending kites and money
Cause I hoped over the fences faster
Holding them down
When Babylon came knocking
Fighting like Ali in his prime
To hold the gang down

Alcoholic nightmares

Waking up with shakes
Searching the fridge
For my fix
The craving of inebriation
Fills my soul
Turns me into a beast
Starving for the feeling

My bank account is empty
Trying to support the habit
Chasing a dragon
That doesn't exist
But it haunts my dreams
It tries to control me
Like a puppet on strings

I want to let it go
It has it's claws in me
Like a lion in the jungle
Rehab only delays the inevitable
You gain control
But it still holds you
Demons in my mind
From the hours without it

Searching my phone
For anyone to pop a bottle
With me
For anyone that will
Drink with me
Cause you only got issues
When you drink alone

Views from Matt

Lost in the interwebs
My one main viewer
Won't check my page
She cuts my soul
Deeper then a12 inch blade
Treating me like nothing

So hurt were blinded
Chasing love
And past flings
We're both free
Yet we're trapped
Weather we know it or not
Dying on the inside
Trying to figure out live
Trying to figure if we're capable
To love without lose

Running from a state
That's caused nothing but heartbreak
Trying to salvage a life
So full of promise and love
Being with others
Just to hurt them
To get over the significant other

These views mean something
They show my growth
They show your love
They show the dedication
My consistency is for you
My viewers

A sneaky wombat

 Watch out for the dark side of your own idealism and of your moral sense. Both come from our arsenal of natural insthttp://sneakywombatsuit.tumblr.com/ncts, and both easily degenerate into an excuse for attacks on others. When our righteous indignation breathes the flames of anger against a ‘villain,’ we all too often become a fang in nature’s scheme of tooth and claw. 

I want to thank Margaret for blogging and I hope these words touch you guys as they have touched me.follow her tumblr 

http://sneakywombatsuit.tumblr.com/

Worried

If your worried about
What girls I talk to
Baby don't worry
You know that you got me
I think about you in the morning
Pray for us in the evenings
Can't wait for you at night

She worries about me
About us about my words
The truth and depths of them
Her innocence is sacred to her
I gave my cali love my freedom
I have my white girl my soul
I'm willing to give you more
Whats left of my
Broken heart and body
Name your price
Your innocence is sacred to me
My deity my goddess
She wants loyalty
She wants honesty
She wants me

I'll give her all that and more

Open your eyes

Laying next to me
I wish she caught me on a different day
I find it strange
How the times have change
She snuggles into my arm
Pulling me closer
Her alarm goes off
She gets up
I can't help but too
Bite my lip watching her walkway
She kisses me goodbye
Says I read your blog
Leave it in the rearview
You don't have to shed
Tears anymore

Who is she to make
Me feel this way
How could she know
What's on my mind
She looks into my eyes
Kisses me again softly
Says it'll take some time
But in the mean time
I got you
I wish it was easier to be happy

Now she gone to work
Leaving me with
The sheets that smell like her
Her taste still on my lips
Feeling stronger
Feeling the hunger
Nothing but creativity
Swirling around my brain
Trying to focus
These lines to tie them together

My fix

She convinced me I'm broken
Drowning in a sea of misery
Sinking deeper while rising
Like a sour skittle
I'm a waking contradiction
Chasing dreams
That will never come true

Trapped between two worlds
Standing on my own
I walk alone
Thus dusty road
Like Johnny cash
Seeing others
Kidding and hugging
Makes me sick
I'm the new grinch
Hitting on chicks
Just to see if I can
No Susie who
To save them no more

Loving myself like never before
K2's and Hennessey
Swirl around my brain
Diluting the pain
Slowly bringing me back to me
Oxy and Jack
To bring the feeling back
A cocktail to kill a bull
Good thing I'm lion hearted

My violin v2

The saddest tune
Comes from my fingers
Alone in my room
Just practicing songs
That will never get heard
Tunes that make
Stones weep

Solely consoling myself
Do I run or do I stay
Three nothing here
In this state of heartbreak
I can't ever get this chorus right
Like most relationships in my life
Playing for my future wife
Playing to save my life

Uppers and downers
One filled the void
Helped me picture love
Believing the lies
That I told myself
Chasing lines just to waste time
She cries for me
With every note
Shakes my soul
with every stroke
She cries for me
For I can't cry for myself

My new toy

It sits in my lap
Staring back at me
I can Hear it's sick laughter
Taunting me calling me
I pick it up and put it down
I walk away then come back
My new toy isn't a toy
I've had many
but none like this

I spin the barrel
It mesmerizes me
Empty like my heart
We are the same
It wants to be filled
It wants attention
It cries for me to love it

It's voice is in my head
No-one else can hear it
But I can
It gets louder and louder
Like a beating drum
Calling to me
Begging for me to hold it

It wants to see my brain
It wants to warm my temple
It tells me
It can take the pain away
Who needs drugs
When I have my toy

I fill it up
Put it on the counter
Just watching it
It stares back at me
Like a sad puppy
Wanting to be played with

This game though
only has one round
I want to play
I need to play
I believe what it says
Take my pain away
Give me the liberation
That I so badly crave

I spin it once more
Watch as it turns
I put it
To my temple and pause
A deep breath comes
Before the game begins
How sick am I
A grown man playing
With a toy

Click nope fuck
The panic sets in
Reality creeps up
Grow some balls
I hear it say
Click nope fuck
This game gets real
Another breath and a pause

I see faces on my wall
I see tears from them all
How selfish am I
How selfish are they
I'm mad now
Why can't I be closer to Christ
Why must I continue on
Just to please them
Just to keep smiles on they face
No one really loves me anyway
I'm just a hack wannabe
Struggling to live
Who ever missed a hobo
From under the bridge

A deep breath and a pause
Click nope fuck
Sit it on the counter
What game is this
Is my luck really this bad
I'm losing at a game
That I made the rules for
No wonder no one wants me
No wonder I live
In the depths of demise and despair
Even Oscar the crouch
Had friends that loved him

I'm all alone
Stuck in a cycle
Of use and abuse
I give my heart
they use it then abuse it
Toss it in the trash
Like yesterday's news
Forced to smile
When tears fill my eyes
I need a man
Your only a boy
Repeat once more

Filled with sickness and rage
I grab my toy
Hear how it jumps for joy
This voice in my head
Wants me dead
Fuck the success and the fame
Even kurt cobain
Put a bullet in his head
Click nope fuck

Haha I'll win this round
Only one more round anyway
My toy might of won the battle
But I'll win the war
Once more a deep breath
A pause that's for sure
Fuck a knock on my door
How unlucky am i
I'll put my friend away
But I'll be back another day
To play with my new friend
My shiny black toy

What you've done

I'm concerned about my appearance
I want promotions at work
I'm keeping good on my promises
So dedicated to writing
Blogging writing comics and novella's

You knew I could be something
Kitty Kat look what you've done

The coldest words ever
Hit my ears
Like a winter night
With no ear muffs

So gym routines were made
Nightmares are concurrent
Like prison sentences
But I remember the good times we had
I've learned to love myself
Learned to stand on my own
Grown closer to being a man
Strengthened my ties with Christ

Now I can't look back
Can't love you
Can't be with you
But I'll forever be indebted to you
Saving me from the cliff of demise
With those beautiful brown eyes
I'll forever be here for you
Even though your ear
Will never be near
When I need to vent

Look what you've done to me
Look what you've done for me
You knew I could be something
Kitty Kat look what you've done

If your stressed out
and need something
Or someone to talk too
I got you
I got you
When the time comes
Will you be strong enough
To accept my friendship
Putting all the past in your rear view

Hilarity

Laying in my bed
Wrapped in my arms
She says she loves me
She wants to take
My fingers and keep em
Just to do things with
I guess

She only wants them to touch her
These other girls
Shouldn't have them
Possessive with me She is
Pussy so good I'm talking like yoda
I'm hers now
She doesn't want to let go

In a parallel universe
I think I would
Let her put them in her purse
Carry them around
Wonder what she does with them
Just to get them back
To do the same thing

My enemies

My thoughts are my worst enemies
Drinking this devil juice
Wondering what am I doing here
If I add more stress
I don't see how I'll cope

My vices are shrinking
I put the cocaine down
So I'm drinking coffee a bunch
Trying to catch a buzz
Drinking liquor and smoking weed
I wish I had some of that medical
What am I doing here

I'm my biggest obstacle
Rising above the Jack and Remy
Drinking my sorrows away
They say don't drop
One habit to pick up another
I'm floating away
Like I put needles in my veins
Life's my heroin

Where am I headed from here
Picking up the pieces
Of shattered dreams and aspirations
Moving forward like bad masturbation
Cause I ain't got no rear view
Can't look backwards anymore
Just climbing to the pinnacle
Of life's mountain

Her hands

They feel like silk
As they glide over my tattoos
She outlines each letter
With precision and care
Admiring them with a hint of disdain

Her smell fills my nose
Made my member rose
I try not to impose
Lord knows i want it
Heaven holds a warning
Fornication leads to a fiery demise

Her hands ran down my spine
Every slowly
With the skill of a surgeon
She makes me tingle inside
She knows just how to get arise

Holding me closer to her bosom
She runs get hands
down my neck
Reaching my spine
I'm gonna treat her
Like fine wine

Her hands are so soft
Her love is so pure
She only wants the best
For me
Her hands  her heart
She slowly gives it to me
Searching my body for the right spot
She will know when to stop

Church flow

It's been so long since I've been in a church.today was amazing I've forgot what it felt like to worship with others.this fellowship today had just made me feel so much closer to God.over the past few months I've been building my relationship with Christ.today just made everything feel so much worth it.

I'm so happy that God would put such a God loving women in my life.I've made mistakes in past relationships.with not going to church or growing with each other in Christ.this time around I won't make that mistake.I want the Lord to continue to grow in me.guide my life and my heart in the direction that he feels fit.

I've been so closed to the power of Christ.his words have haunted me most nights.I've fought him so hard just to walk my own path. I've brought many others to Christ over my life.but over the past few months I've realized I bright just as many ppl away from him.

Now he is giving me another chance.a woman that is pure and UN touched by any man.a God loving woman who wants to grow and see me grow.going to church with her I hope will keep us close and strong together.

I want everyone reading this weather your in the US.Europe or other parts of the world.I want you too know.you can grow and be a better person.don't every key anyone try to bring you down.lift your head up and smile even when your in the depths of despair.you might not all be Christian or believe in Christ but you can build on yourself.having faith in Christ and faith in yourself can go hand in hand.

I want to just thank the Lord for giving me a day like this to grow and worship with him.

Katherine's Dilemma the short story

Katherin walked into her empty house and threw her jacket on the couch.she had a long day at work.all she wanted to do now was curl up with a good book and get rest.as she entered her bedroom and took off her clothes.she admired her pale skin in the mirror. She was always so self conscious about her body. It was one of the major things she fretted about over in her life.yet she had grown to just be happy with herself.

She took off get clothes and went into the bathroom.started running the water for her shower.stepping into the tub the warm water felt do good.before she knew it get hands were running her up her thigh.starting to run on her clit. It was moments like these she wishes she wasn't such an introvert.she stopped before she ran out the hot water and didn't wash herself.

Finishing her shower she dried her skin and went into her bedroom.the scent of her lilac candles.filed her nose and relaxed her.she jumped into her empty queen size bed.rolling over she once again regretted being single.her career had taken up must of her life and time.strands of her wet hair clung to her back that escaped the towel she had wrapped it in.

Katherine took out her phone and scrolled through the contracts.over the years she had been with a few guys.she tried her best to stay classy and not go whoring every time she needed and orgasm.most nights she pleased herself well enough.

The first name she passed was christian. Immediately she skipped it. She scrolled back up and looked at the name.running her fingers over the phone case.before she knew it get other hand was in her clit again. Christian always knew how to get her off.he was the only black guys she ever had been with.

Katherine started running harder on her clit as she imagined Christian in to of her. He was so strong and forceful she loved it. Sometimes he could bee to rough but then he was gentle at the same time. Katherine put the phone to her side and rubbed it on her breast.her nipples were so hard she pulled them gently.

She quickly rolled over to her nightstand. Opened the draw and pulled out get dildo.  ol faithful she called it.over the years it's never let her down. She rolled back on her back and put it in.it slide right into her nice wet vagina.She let out a soft moan as it worked its way in.slowly  she grabbed her neck and started choking herself.

Katherine envisioned Christians face and pretended her hands were his. O how he would handle her in the bed room.She began to get wetter and thrust the dildo in deeper.squeezing her throat as best she could.finally she stopped and threw the dildo on the bed.it just wasn't the same.She couldn't be him or talk to herself the way he would.

She picked up get phone again and scrolled down the contacts. Gregs name crossed her eye.She had liked him.he treated Her good and could eat her out better then anyone.but Greg was older and the sex was subpar at best. John name came next.he was closer to get age but still never made her cum. But boy could he blow a heavy load over her face. Name after name she passed in Her phone critiquing her past flings one after the other.

Finally she got back up to Christians name.Her fingers trembled as she hovered over his name.She had loved him at one point in time but that was a lifetime ago. She knew he was single.She just wanted a good fuck with no strings attached.if any one would give it to her she knew he would. Finally she sucked her her pride and clicked the call button.

To be continued......

My ex's

They have been important
In their own ways
In the Times I needed
Bonds were made
That titanium couldn't break

When I needed them
they always appeared
Our friendships have outlasted
The many great breaks
I love you I hate you
I need you get out my face
Harsh words and sour emotions

The love is always there though
When they need me I appear
When I need them
they got a listening ear
Time healed our wounds

Now I'm at those cross roads again
Will I have that friend in the end
Can we handle moving on
My new love and her new mate